Background: D day - Oct 2003. Separated for 3 months then WH moved back in under guise of no contact rule. Now refuses to follow NC. Spends hours on the phone and god knows what else. Meanwhile, I have been following Plan A rules carefully. Attempt no love busters. Try not to even bring up fact I know about his contact. Issues is that he sees everything that is wrong in our M as starting with me. I cause his lack of affection because he gets emotional drained with my "obsessive" behavior - working hard, studying, taking care of kids, elderly parents, etc. This emotional draining of dealing with me dealing with my life leaves him spent and unable to be affectionate. This lack of affection led to little sex. and the rest just compounded until he "gave up" and found emotional and physical A with OW. Claims they started out being just friends and are now just friends. Problem is that he shares intimate details about me and how "screwed up" I am. I discovered this is an email to her that he left out "accidentally".
So...do I stay with plan A at this point. I'm an emotional basketcase and feel like a fool.

Hi Montana; I'm in the same boat as you. My WW blames our failed M completely on me and won't accept responsibility for anything.

Have you tried exposing the affair to family and friends? That will create some more pressure to end the A. Otherwise, I would keep up with Plan A for now. If he happens to move out again, you have to implement a real STERN Plan B. Tell him he must follow the NC rules and he must pledge to work on restoring the M, preferably with a good MC.

Hang in there and good luck.

You need to talk with him. Plan A is about making the M more attractive. You can't just let him sneak around and you look the other way. Nothing will come of that. Talk to him. Tell him you know he is having an A. Then choose your next steps. Have you found an MC? Can you get him to go with you? Are you seeing an IC? Is he/she supportive of MB principles?

WS' always blame the BS because that makes it easier to have the A. It's the other person's fault. This is fog-speak. Don't take it personally. Yes, tell him that you take responsibility for contributing the atmosphere that let to his A and you want to work on correcting that. Have you both filled out the EN questionaire?

Start listening to him. What obsessive behavior is he talking about? Tell him you want to work on those things and then *start* working on them. You have to convince him that you are able to change.

Unfortunately, Plan A means that you will be doing all the work. That sucks, but the goal is to end the A. That is your focus right now.

Plan A is also about taking care of yourself. Have you been to the doctor, yet? Tell him/her what is going on and ask for anti-depressants. You need to get back on track.

Unfortunately, you will not be able to control your WS. You can only control yourself. And when you improve yourself, you will only look more attractive to your WS.

It's time to take the attention off WS and spend some time doing what will make you happy.

I am trying to guess how long you've been in Plan A... If D-Day was in October and he moved out for 3 months, did he move back home (and Plan A start) around January or February? If so, you have been doing Plan A for about 3 months? I read it's advised for a BW (betrayed wife) to try Plan A for 3 months with a WH (wayward husband). But more important than the length of Plan A is how well you do Plan A. Have you been filling his most important emotional needs, showing you have changed the things he was bothered by, and avoiding LB's (love-busters like arguments)?

I think you should let him know that you are aware he is still in contact with the OW and that he is complaining to her about you. BUT do so calmly! No LB'ing... no yelling or name-calling. Don't put the OW down, that is LB'ing too. And he will probably just respond with defending the OW which will just upset you even more. Just tell him you found the e-mail and you know. You can tell him how that makes you feel, and that him contacting the OW is not acceptable, but stay calm. It would be OK to remind him that he had agreed to no contact with OW when the separation ended (calmly).

I would try to stay in Plan A a little longer. If he wants to leave don't try to stop him, but don't kick him out. You want to make sure you've done a REALLY GOOD Plan A before you go to Plan B.

Oh, and if you have not done so already: EXPOSE his affair. You could also further expose regarding the fact that he has been in contact with the OW again after returning home. Who have you exposed the affair to so far? His family? Your family? Mutual friends? OW's family? Does OW have a boyfriend or husband? Did your husband and the OW meet at work? If so, have you exposed the affair OW's boyfirend/husband and to bosses and co-workers? Exposure is a key ingredient in helping to end the affair for good. And even though exposure will anger the wayward spouse (WS) it is not considered LB'ing for the betrayed spouse (BS) to expose the affair. Exposure angers them because it ruins most of the excitement of the affair and pust pressure on them from others to end it.

<small>[ May 14, 2004, 07:50 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>