My wife and I have been seperated for almost a year now. She has been on the "roller coaster" thing the whole time and of course I have been along for the ride. She had/has a boyfriend and they go thru a cycle of breaking up for a few weeks and getting back together again. Of course when they break up she acts like she wants to "work" on our marriage but I find out a few weeks later that she was back at HIS house. The latest is she has broken up with him for good because he has always treated her very badly. I want to believe her but I am not about to fall for this again. I have done several very good plan A's over this full year and one or two fair plan B's. I do not see her truly giving effort to repair our marriage. She says we should "let it happen" more or less and that she is not ready to committ 100% to our marriage right now but wants to see how things go. She has some of the same issues that other WS on this board seem to have. She lied about contact with the OM in every situation before. My thinking is to sit back and keep to myself and our three children and not think or worry about her at all until I see some positive signs from her. Any help, guidance or advise out there???

BS(me)41
WW 35
Married: almost 12 years
3 children:4yo, 8yo, 11yo
she moved out: May 25, 2003

Seems to me, you should be getting child support. Are you? That might wake her up from her little fantasy.

Not getting child support legally but she has been paying over $300 a month for all of our health costs in addition to all deductibles and copays and pays for other misc stuff also. She paid the house tax when I coudlnt and things like that, daycare etc. I cant help but think that the only thing that will wake her up is for me to leave her alone, no calls unless it is about the children or money. When I do that she seems to want to come around more or call me more but it doesnt last. She does have some childhood abuse issues, some sexually and some verbal. A year is a year and I have made some very good progress with regards to positive changes in myself and she has noticed but it just does not seem to be enough. I can honestly say that after a year of soul searching and changing some bad habits and becoming a better person/father, I am at a loss as to what to do now? A stern plan B is all I can think of at this point.

I would still ask for child support. It is her duty as a parent to support her children. Then I would stay in Plan A for a couple of months, then a good Plan B.

I have asked her for child support but she will not do it and I do not have the funds to force the issue with a lawyer. She wants to give me money when we need it, basically so she can CONTROL me and the children. She has left us strapped financially although she does pay for 100% of the healthcare($300) a month plus other things as they come up. She has the children 2 or 3 days out of the week. I am not quite sure if more of a plan A will make an ounce of difference at this time. I think going dark might be the only answer. I cant help but think that a year is a very long time. She doesnt even call her our children on the days she does not have them. I cannot understand how a mother could go days or even a whole week without talking to her children.
Her mother and two sisters are basically on my side and have tried to talk her into working things out but it does nothing. Where to go from here? Do not know!

"I have asked her for child support but she will not do it and I do not have the funds to force the issue with a lawyer."

I found out (after hiring my lawyer to do it - which he took almost a year to do...) that all that needed to be done was to fill out a free form at the courthouse and appear for a court date.

"She wants to give me money when we need it, basically so she can CONTROL me and the children."

Yes - My WH does the same thing. But now that I can at least count on a specific amount for child support (and maintenance - sort of like alimony) it helps. WH still tries to manipulate about extra financial help but my daughters and I are determined to try to get by without the extras so we won't have to play his games anymore.

Since your WW has the children several days per week, that may affect your ability to get child support though? Maybe you can search online for info for your state's child support guidelines? Most of the info I asked my lawyer for I had to do online searches for instead.