I'm new to this board, but I've been reading along now for several weeks. I've also read SAA and HNHN. Let me give some background.

I'm a BH and my WW's A is still continuing, (we're in plan A). I'm trying my best to curtail my anger, disrespect and demands, although it's hard when the lies and deceit keep coming. I'm also treating her nicely with flowers, love notes etc. Sometimes though, it seems so futile. You see, ever since I confronted her 4 months ago, she's wanted nothing to do with me. She'll only talk to me if it's regarding the kids or finances. Small talk and marriage talk are out of the question- she just leaves the room. She never acknowledges any of the things I give her or do for her. What hurts the most is that she tells anyone who'll listen to her that I'm a mean and nasty husband who has made her unhappy all these years! These are of course lies and fogtalk. At least I have my family and HER family on my side. (Yes, HER family...can you believe it!)

She's also seeking a separation agreement so I've retained a lawyer. The interesting thing is that she expects ME to move out of the house willingly, even though I've done nothing wrong! I'm gonna have to fight her on this issue because I'm not giving up my home or custody of my kids when SHE'S the one having the affair! That brings me to my question. Should I legally fight to stay in the house with my kids even though it's probably going to be a big LB? If a judge or my lawyer tell me to move out, that's one thing- in fact it would be an ideal time to implement plan B. But in the meantime, don't I have the right to fight for the house and primary custody of the kids? If I moved out on my own, I would look like the guilty party don't you think? The reason that I'm fighting this is because before I discovered the A, I used to stay home with the kids A LOT while she was out with her boyfriend. Now she "sneaks out" with him much less often, but she still goes out with her girlfriends once or twice a week. (I'm keeping all these "outings" documented). So I figure, I've been the primary parent a good part of the time anyways. I just hope the judge sees it that way too.

Sometimes I feel so depressed and hopeless with all this hostile behavior and the impending separation. Sometimes I feel I should just file for divorce and move on...but that would just burn bridges. Besides, it goes against the MB principles. It's hard to remain calm and rational when your emotions are telling you differently.

Anyways, it seems that legal matters and kids make Plan A/Plan B complicated. Has anyone else experienced this?

Thanks,

Blue Note -

Do not move out of the house. It is not an LB to protect yourself and your children. Just be sure to talk calmly and respectfully towards her. Tell her that you feel it would be unfair to the children to have to make another change during this unstable time.

Stay in Plan A. At first they do not appreciate anything you do. But that is not the purpose of Plan A. The purpose is that they will look back and remember what a good husband you were.

When you want to LB, come here. You will get great support and comfort. Sounds like you are doing a great job. The next step will be Plan B, but not until you are losing your love for her.

I agree with beleiver, your situation sounds nearly identical to mine, but my WW is going to move out and buy a house. I found our house and she agrees to leave it with me. We are entering into a separation agreement.

In hindsight, I would have frozen our accounts, given her half our money and told her to leave if she wants, but that wanted to stay married and work on the marriage. My WW is acting identical to yours, it's tough....I'm tired.

Get legal advice, the laws here could be vastly different than where you are. I think it's better for plan B if she left, but if the atmosphere becomes caustic in the house it might be best for the marriage if you left.

You might try posting this on the General Questions board, you'll get a lot more attention there.

Thanks Believer and Binder. It's great to have support like this. I've been in plan A for several months now and I'm getting tired of it but at least it's good to hear I'm doing a good job of it. It's esp. tough when nothing gets appreciated and I feel ignored.

I had another rough day today. I don't have them too often but I felt depressed about everything. It's funny...I miss my wife, even tho' she's living in the same house with me!

Hey Binder- let me know how you make out with your situation. It's interesting that our WW's think exactly alike.

I'll keep ya posted......she's staying here tonight, but in my son's bed. She is treating me horribly, but is civil for the most part. She has to finalize the deal on her house and our separation agreement so there's alot on her plate, and mine for that matter.

I too am tired, I look forward to plan B somewhat as plan A has had no observable benefits. I also keep a journal of her outings and I have been the primary parent for a while as well.

Keep your cool, get legal advice, read, post, ask advice and look after yourself and your children. Good luck.

Hello Blue Note,

Welcome to MB.

I'll just chime in here and also say that you should NOT move out of the house.First,for the reasons already mentioned but also because how you act now can come back to haunt you in court someday if you legally separate or divorce(D).

I didn't have a big problem with my WH moving out,he was already out due to a job far away,then the A happened and so now he just comes to the home to see the girls each weekend,sometimes for only one day but I am tired of the adultery too and so I am filing for a D.Not what MB suggests but I have been at this for 8 months or so and I am done waiting for WH to make me first in his life.He has not and chooses to give up everything for the homewrecker.

I am glad you are documenting things and make sure that you get legal counsel.Your WW is having the A and she needs to see what it wil be like living off in fantasy land.That means,she gets to keep her slimeball OM but she will also have to deal with the "inconvenience" of living elsewhere,part time visitation with her children,making ends meet with less financial help,etc.

Don't make it easy on her and leave.She wants you to do that so she can be comfortable despite what she is trying to destroy.You have to protect yourself and your kids and even though your WW will be mad,you just can't let her ride roughshod over you.Be careful and smart.Look ahead.

One other thing,don't do Plan A for longer than 6 months tops.If you do this will backfire and not produce it's intended effects.She will lose respect for you even more and you will start to lose your respect for her and maybe even your love.Keep that Plan B in the back of your mind,ok?

O

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thanks Octobergirl for writing. Your last point about Plan A for 6 months makes sense, in fact I've heard it mentioned before. It's been 5 months now and I'm already starting to lose love and respect for my WW. Now I have a "Catch-22". I can't move out and give up my house and kids, but I can't stay either because it's getting more and more difficult.

I think my case is unique because most of the WS's I read about here move out on their own, but mine is staying put because she thinks she's done nothing wrong and I'm to blame because I've made her unhappy all these years! That and she won't give up custody of the kids...which is strange because she doesn't give the kids much priority nowadays...she is only thinking of herself. If she were to move out it would make life much easier.

What to do?

Have you let everyone know about the A? That is a necessary step. Is OM married?