I copied this out of the "notables" section:

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Can you say FOG,FOG,FOG,FOG....I have something that I will share that may make you see things more clearly. I preached that I would never cheat on my husband, I was the perfect wife(far from it I know now). After twenty plus years I met a man. I told him no, no, no, he persisted. I ended up moving out of my husbands house. For the first time in my life I lived alone. I was seeing this man talking only(not cheating in my mind). After a month or so of my Husband calling me every name in the book, wishing death on me etc. I willingly fell into the OM arms. We are now married, my ex filed for divorce shortly after I moved out. I know he spoke out of anger, fear, hurt. Well three years into the relationship with my current H I find that it was all built on lies. He needed a strong woman to stand by him to face what he is facing now. My whole relationship with him was built on lies. I am still married to him, but with hindsight I now recognize the fog I was in. So in my opinion it is never too late as my ex could have won me over many times before I actually married this H. He just didn't know how close he was to doing it and gave up. I am now closer to my ex then ever before because I walk in his shoes now and know the heartache and pain of being married to someone like me. I will tell everyone on here if you want your spouse regardless of the hurt and pain they have caused you fight for them. Even when the battle seems lost it might not be. I am fighting for this marriage because my ex did not fight for ours. I refuse to keep hopping from one marriage to another and I think that we are worth the effort. At least I pray we are. Just my two cents worth. Jenni


Does anyone agree with this and if so, how long do you hang in there, how long do you fight FOR your marriage and/or wait for your spouse to come out of the FOG? Also, do you have to wait longer for a female WS to come out of the fog than a male WS?

I have waited for a year now and have not LB much at all, just an occasional blow up when I've caught her in a lie regarding her "not seeing OM".

"Does anyone agree with this and if so, how long do you hang in there, how long do you fight FOR your marriage and/or wait for your spouse to come out of the FOG? Also, do you have to wait longer for a female WS to come out of the fog than a male WS?"

I read that a BH should Plan A a WW for 6 months, while a BW is advised to Plan A a WH for 3 months. I don't remember reading an explanation for the discrepancy though. (I'm curious, if anyone here knows the reason?)

My WH moved out 2 years and 4 months ago. I suspect he may have already been at least emotionally involved with OW before moving out. He was definitely having a mid-life crisis (which I've read can last 3-5 years). Since he had become violent and refused to get anger management therapy (or to even discuss with me what was wrong) separation was necessary. Besides, he obviously had that as a goal (and I think was using the violence to try to get me to kick him out so he could pretend the separation was my idea/fault).

I am just now starting to feel like I have given it enough time and sometimes don't even want him back now. Plan A has helped me come to some acceptance that he probably will never come home.

Nobody I know feels I should give him anymore time. I now feel I have done all I can and will not feel I am to blame if we end up divorced. It's what WH chooses and I will no longer try to talk him out of it. Besides, our daughters don't even want to speak to him anymore. They don't trust him anymore and are very hurt and angry because of the way he's treated us.

I guess you should remain willing to reconcile as long as you feel you can/should. It's advised to set some sort of deadline in your own mind though, at least a time to reconsider what you want and whether you are willing to go any further. It's advised for both Plan A and Plan B, to have some sort of timeframe in mind. But you're not supposed to tell the WS what the deadline is because that would just make them feel they have until then to continue the affair.
You are supposed to let the WS know that you won't wait forever though.

I think one thing that helps the WS wake up out of the fog is thinking you are moving on, and not trying to talk them into coming home. They just resist you more if you try to convince them to see things your way.

Maybe it's not just how much time it takes for them to come out of the fog... but how little you can pressure/beg or argue/LB, so they will feel like maybe they have made a mistake?

And it also has something to do with how they think you will react. They don't want to hear "I told you so" and are afraid to face all the guilt and hurt their affair caused.

Don't you wish there were just some sort of equation we could refer to? Just plug in the data and get an answer as to how long it will take and what variables we could change to make it quicker?

<small>[ May 11, 2004, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

I think the discrepancy between a WH and WW is that women tend to be more emotionally involved with the OP. Also, I suspect that it's more likely a 'happy' WH may have an A, but a WW may have very valid concerns about the state of her M. It takes longer for the BH to convince the WW that the M can be better than it was.

I plan A'd for 4 1/2 months, but only cuz FWS was reluctant to leave our home. For the last month I was asking him to leave. I really don't know how someone can Plan A for longer than 3 months. They are saints!