I recently found 2 pics of kids belonging to the ow. When I asked my H about it his reply was that he didn't give it much thought and it was only 2 little pics. I expressed to him how it made me feel like he was holding on to the memories of his affair with this little bit of memorabilia, and it hurt all over again. He didn't understand my blow up and says he doesn't want to hear this all over again. I thought we were well into plan A but feel now like we are probably ready to go to plan b because he still has not convinced me that there is NC. Please send me your thoughts on it.

How long have you been in Plan A?

It's advised for a BW to stay in Plan A for 3 months before resorting to Plan B.

Also of importance is how well you do Plan A, not just how long you stay in Plan A. How well have you been doing at meeting his most important emotional needs? And how well are you avoiding love-busters? You want to make sure you've done a really strong Plan A before going to Plan B.

I've guess I have been in plan A for about 4 weeks now, but have done a few LBs along the way. I am trying to cut it out but sometimes I just can't help myself. I want to get intimate with my husband but here lately everytime afterwards i get so angry because of images coming in my head of him doing the same things to the ow! Will this ever end and I have relations with him with my stomach tying into knots and my mind running away with me?

Try to stop the LB'ing as it will undermine your efforts in Plan A. The thinking about him beign with the OW will fade with time but you will have to fight those thoughts popping in your head. It's a normal reaction and you will not be able to totally block it out. But try to as much as you can. Try to enjoy being with your husband. Anytime he's with you instead of with the OW take advantage of that and build some new happy memories together.

When you feel angry and need to vent, do that here with us instead of at him.

Also, have you exposed the affair to anyone yet?

That should be done ASAP. It will help end the affair.

I have only told my close friend who lives about 8 hrs away. H told me his brother knew who lives in our home town. But other that that, I suspect everyone knows in my family but not sure about H.
I would like to talk to my brother-in-law whom I deeply respected and hear from him his thoughts on the A.

Hi barbequedrib,

what a funny user name! is there a story behind it? (hopefully NOT a bad encounter with a BBQ!!!)

I'm confused...you are in Plan A but your H has ended contact, except you think he might not have, and now you are considering Plan B???

can you explain a bit more to me or point me to another thread where you provide more detail?

in the meantime, I can offer a few suggestions/observations that may help...this stuff can be complex and hard to grasp during an emotional crisis of enormous proportions...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I expressed to him how it made me feel like he was holding on to the memories of his affair with this little bit of memorabilia, and it hurt all over again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yup...that's painful...it may help you to hear that these "triggers" lessen over time...they won't always rip your heart out of your chest...

and it's excellent that you shared these feelings with your H...

I am a bit concerned though:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He didn't understand my blow up </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how exactly did you "blow up"??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

it is really important to share your feelings, without anger, without demands, without punishment...

this is a VERY hard thing for a BS to learn...however, it is absolutely vital to recovery...

you may be surprised to learn that it will help YOU as much as it does your M... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought we were well into plan A but feel now like we are probably ready to go to plan b because he still has not convinced me that there is NC </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">here's part of the complexity: there is no "we" here...YOU are the one that has chosen to work on the M...YOU are here asking for help...YOU are the one working the Plan A...

and most importantly: Plan B is all about YOU...and only YOU will choose when you are "ready" to go there...it is a plan specifically designed to protect your love, to protect your M, while the A runs its course...

but...I don't think you are ready for Plan B yet...if you are in the early stages of recovery (I'm guessing???), ups and downs are a NORMAL part of the process...

let's talk some more...okay?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but have done a few LBs along the way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">they have to end...no exception...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am trying to cut it out but sometimes I just can't help myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you can ALWAYS help yourself...this is all about YOU...and your choices...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to get intimate with my husband but here lately everytime afterwards i get so angry because of images coming in my head of him doing the same things to the ow! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so we want to help you work on getting rid of those images...who could ever be intimate and relax while images like that play in your head???

and yes...I am the BS...I've been through this and emerged a happy and sexually-fulfilled person totally in love with my H!

so I know first-hand what you are going through...

but far more importantly, I know where you can get to...if you choose to do the work!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Will this ever end and I have relations with him with my stomach tying into knots and my mind running away with me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">a very happy YES!!! yes it can end and you can be happy...but...no one can help you get there except YOU...many people think it is up to the WS but it isn't really... the power is within you ...

take care...awed

I feel really connected to you all now, expecially AWED18. Before I felt all alone and that no one understood what I was going through but from reading this site I feel hope again and now really want to go on...Thank you so much for that!
My UN was created by the way I felt at the time. I felt I was being roasted on a grill and being the rib the Lord described in the book of Genesis, I felt that described me to a tee!

I am in plan A and just has so many doubts in my mind about my H's sincerity. I gues that is normal but hard none the less. He assures me that he has NC with the OW but I still get these panic attacks that just knots up my stomach. Previously, I wrote that I have no information about the OW, where she lives, her REAL name, occupation...my H gave me her name, where she works, and lives but I can't trust him to tell me truth and when I try to investigate I just get dead ends. That is the most frustrating for me is that this person knows all about me and I know nothing about her!*()!

The way I blew up and just after the having sex with him I asked did he get rid of those pics he revealed he had in one of our conversations. (I was asking all kinds of questions, trying to understand what happened and why our marriage was in the state) basically, it was during my first discovery of the A and I was grasping at straws and trying to get information and ask all kinds of questions, but still have more...
Anyway, when he said he still had them, that's when I turned very unresponsive, Asked him why hadn't he gotten rid of them when he knew I upset I was when he said it had them! But it was only when I said I knew where they were that he knew he had to do something, so I feel that this guy thrives on secrets and it's not until he is corned that he will act and do the right thing, not before. That's why, I still have doubts about his sincerity, he's just not honest.

I am trying real hard not to LB and do as you suggested of not being angry, demanding, and punishing when I express my feeling but that has got to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do! I don't want this joker think he has gotten away and everything is back to normal...Sweet, attentive, loving wife...I want his to know things have changed...I am like a wounded animal and just trying to heal the best way I know how.

I have come to this site to share my feelings and have receive good advice so far and is very much appreciated.

My H and I have both agreed to work on our marriage, we just don't seem to know exactly how to do it. So I have been printing out information from this site and sharing them with him but I don't think he takes it serious as I do.

At any rate, we are still trying and that is saying a lot and I again am very hopeful that we will make it through this.

Last night I tried to talk constructively to my H about problems in our M. ENs that were not being met and come up with a plan to address them. Well, he basically ignored me and told me he was too tired and sleepy to discuss it and why are we going back over this anyway. He says there is no sense in re-hashing the A all over again and start an argument. I told him that was not my purpose but it was to work on our M, that there IS a problem here that can't be ignored. You had a A but there were things that led up to it, and I'm not buying that you saying "I just F**KED up! No I believe it's more to than that and for us to dig into what is missing in our relationship. He wanted no part of it and finally after feeling totally rejected and hurt and told him I couldn't go on like this. Feeling hurt and rejected, like I'm the only one trying to make this work ACTIVELy, while he just sits passively by waiting for me to get over IT. I truly think that he doesn't know how deeply he hurt me to the point where I am on ADs to just make it through the day. I told me that I need to get help, psycological help because he saw prior to the A that something was wrong with me. Boy, that really cut to the heart. So now it's because I was losing my mind and possibly dealing with normal female issues that he had this A?? I tell you I don't know if I can continue with someone who says they love me but is relunctant to show it in his actions. He says he will do it but in his time and not before, I shouldn't have to tell him what I need, he knows it but resents that I tell hem ENs that are not being met.
At this point I think that Plan A is over and I ready to move on. But I have a personal problem going on that I can't overlook. I will have surgery on Monday and need to focus on taking care of myself for the next 6 weeks. This couldn't have come at a worse time!! This is so frustrating but I feel it is out of my control and I will have to put up this this jerk continueing in whatever he is doing, treating me like a second class citizen, and feeling like I'm not appreciated, special, or deserving of anything better.

This has to be one of the lowest times in my life and if this all life has to offer, I don't want it!!

Hey BBQ,

I hope you're still lurking around...I'm so sorry I didn't see your post again until today...I'm not around these forums that much these days...

this is hard honey...you want to push and hurry up and feel better...and yet you're mad...and sobbing...and...

it is a MESS...and it is made so much worse when WS tells you to just get over it...or that there must be something wrong with you because you can't just leave it alone...

I have so much to say to you but I want to keep it simple for now so you don't feel overwhelmed... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

first off, I'd suggest posting here infidelity help ...the forums are smaller and the support is very strong...

you CAN get through this ordeal...nothing you are going through is unusual, but it will take time...

I have a whole variety of techniques I can suggest that will work to reduce your anxiety, control your LBs, etc. but it is really important that you be able to bounce off other people right now, people that have successfully been through this and come out the other side at peace with themselves...

priority # 1 is your recovery...until you feel better, you will continue to react in ways that do not help your M recovery...

priority #2 is your M recovery...you can do things on your own to assist this process...that encourage your H to reconsider the M but in a new and healthy way...

lots of stuff to learn and this all takes time...lots and lots of feelings and information to process through, and that too takes time...

don't worry...time is helpful...it does not heal per se but time will allow you to calm down the panic, restore positive rhythms in your life and learn new habits...

I am so sorry to hear about your surgery...please be kind to yourself, pamper yourself in any way you can (including forcing yourself to think about things you enjoy, not just obsessing about the A each and every moment!) and practice relaxation techniques...

deep breathing...in and out...slowly, calmly...count to yourself...focus inward and listen to each breath...

simple technique but it will work to relax and nourish your body and your mind...

take care...awed

<small>[ May 22, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>