Yes, I have been lurking and finally summoned the courage to participate. Here's my story in a nutshell. WH informed me that he wanted a separation/divorce on 1/05/04. Quite the shock (we had problems not addressed, but I was just at the point emotionally to address them.) He said that he had an affair for about 5 months, but it ended 3 months before D-day. WH moved out soon after into his own apartment.

WH insisted that separation had nothing to do with affair--just us. He needed space to think about us (and I believed him). Of course it turns out that he started seeing OW again and he is "in love with her."

I've been in Plan A every since and have done a fairly stellar job. Our problem has never been LBing (we don't really fight). Instead, it's the not meeting ENs and growing apart. That's why I have spent so much time in Plan A--to prove to him that I do love him (he said that I didn't).

He comes over every weekday to get the kids off to school (I go to work early and pick up the kids after school). We have made a lot of progress and he says that he now knows that I love him. He has even said very recently that his goal is to come back and work on the marriage. Problem is he's not sure that he "can give up what he has" (sound familiar?)for the uncertainy of our marriage working.

He started A-Ds and that really helped. WH said that it gave him the ability to think things through (how he has "let down the family"). He even tried last week to break off the affair, but was "sucked" right back in. I suggested he write a letter with NC (etc), but he insisted on doing it his way (you know, he did make a "lot of promises to her").

Anyway, I am very anxious to go to Plan B--it's time. The problem is I really need to wait 4 weeks to go "completely dark," due to kids/work schedule. The problem is that it's starting to take a toll on me. WH is aware that something is up. I'm usually very "up" about us and now I'm
losing that energy.

Also, MIL does not know. I don't feel comfortable calling and telling her. Is it appropriate to give her a copy of my Plan B letter so that she really understands what is going on (and what will happen in Plan B) or is this letter just for those involved?

Please advise--is 4 weeks too long, even though this is what it would take to go completely dark?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You might want to switch to the general questions forum. There is a lot more traffic there.

Plan B is very peaceful, and really helps BS to get self-esteem back, but is hard at first. That is why I would wait until it is more convenient for you. Four weeks is not long (I know it seems long to you, though).

While you are waiting start posting here like crazy. You will get tons of support and advice. Also it makes you stronger and gets you into the mindset of Plan B.

Some days the forum moves very quickly. So if you don't get enough answers, just post again to your own thread. That will bring it back to the top.

Many of us have been exactly where you are right now. We will help you through this.

Thanks Believer. I'm moving to "general questions."

Hi FE_Hopeful,

Sorry you have to be here, but welcome. You will find a lot of support here.

"I've been in Plan A every since and have done a fairly stellar job. Our problem has never been LBing (we don't really fight). Instead, it's the not meeting ENs and growing apart. That's why I have spent so much time in Plan A--to prove to him that I do love him (he said that I didn't)."

Hmmm... maybe part of what he gets from OW is more passion? Since you and WH had a pretty calm relationship without LB'ing, maybe he needs to see you care enough to get more emotional? Maybe you can show more emotion and passion while you continue to avoid LB'ing? It's OK to let him know how you feel, as long as you do so without disrespect towards him.

"He comes over every weekday to get the kids off to school (I go to work early and pick up the kids after school). We have made a lot of progress and he says that he now knows that I love him. He has even said very recently that his goal is to come back and work on the marriage. Problem is he's not sure that he "can give up what he has" (sound familiar?)for the uncertainy of our marriage working."

He may be worried that the imrpovements he sees at home are just temporary, or even just to get him to give up OW. So it would be a good idea to stay in Plan A a little longer. What's silly though is the WS doesn't see the uncertainty of giving up the marriage for the affair! Only 3-5 % of relationships started by adultery make it to marriage. And then there's the odds of those marriages not ending in divorce - only about 25%... But the WS 'in love' (addiction) can't see through the fog...

"He started A-Ds and that really helped. WH said that it gave him the ability to think things through (how he has "let down the family"). He even tried last week to break off the affair, but was "sucked" right back in. I suggested he write a letter with NC (etc), but he insisted on doing it his way (you know, he did make a "lot of promises to her")."

More silly fog talk (about promises made to OW)... MY WH claimed that he has "made a committment to" OW... supposedly after only 2 months into affair! (We've been married 25 years and have three children but after only one week of separation he announced he "had closure", had "gotten on with his life", and was "over you guys", his daughters too!) I'm sorry your WH has decided to try to do things 'his way'. My WH has the same problem. He refuses to send the no contact letter to the OW, so I remain in Plan B (after several false recoveried and him promising to do what's needed). You will from time to time meet WS's posting here intent on doing things their way... It doesn't work and they eventually accept that they have to do the no contact with the OP in order to break the addiction and reapir the marriage.

"Anyway, I am very anxious to go to Plan B--it's time. The problem is I really need to wait 4 weeks to go "completely dark," due to kids/work schedule. The problem is that it's starting to take a toll on me. WH is aware that something is up. I'm usually very "up" about us and now I'm
losing that energy."

Have you started on an AD? Don't try to start Plan B if you think it will be difficult to stay in it because of practical problems like your schedule and care of children. It will be hard enough to stay dark without those excuses to make contatc with WH. It's really important to stay dark and to not break Plan B until WH meets conditions. And him seeing you sad may not be all that bad, just as long as you can avoid LB'ing. Try to hold out a little longer. Come here to vent and for support.

"Also, MIL does not know. I don't feel comfortable calling and telling her. Is it appropriate to give her a copy of my Plan B letter so that she really understands what is going on (and what will happen in Plan B) or is this letter just for those involved?"

Who have you exposed the affair to? Exposure is soemthing that's advised to do in Plan A. So make sure you expose the affair as much as you can. And yes, it's OK to send the MIL a copy of the Plan B letter. You can even send it to the OW if you want to. It lets others know you are willign to work on marriage, that you still love your wayward spouse, and that you are not just kicking them out to be with OW. Otherwise WS will probably just lie to OW and his family saying you rejected them and the affair is OK because they are just getting on with their life AFTER you dumped them!

"Please advise--is 4 weeks too long, even though this is what it would take to go completely dark?"

I would say BECAUSE you feel you will have to wait 4 weeks to go completely dark then you should wait the 4 weeks. Post here, we'll help you through this. It will seem really tough to stay in Plan A longer but Plan B will be really rough at first too. If you haven't done so already start an AD ASAP. Tell the MIL about the affair ASAP too and then give her a copy of the Plan B letter in 4 weeks too.