I did call H today. There were terrible storms here & I knew he'd be driving right through them to get back to his brother's place. So... I kept it short & pleasant and told him I just wanted him to be careful & safe on his drive. Then I called him this evening just to be sure he'd made it safely as there were alot of accidents being reported on the news that were on the roads he was driving. He seemed fine, maybe even just a tad bit pleased that I was concerned for his safety. I ended both conversations with a quick, upbeat, "I have to get back to work now. I love you." I didn't say it in a way as to let on that I was waiting to hear it back. But he answers "I know you do. Bye." And he seems irritated. Is this what is meant by a spouse in withdrawal being unwilling to accept love deposits? Is this something I shouldn't be doing?

Yes, it's 'normal' (um the normal sort of abnormal behavior of a wayward spouse in the fog).

Also, it's normal for somebody who is feeling pressured or pursued... Human nature to want what we can't have... and to take for granted or even value less, what we know we can have...

Are you in Plan A or Plan B?

If you are in Plan A, maybe it would be better to show your love more than verbalize it?

If you are in Plan B then you shouldn't contact him. Even if there is a storm and/or you want to make sure he got home OK, in Plan B you should resist all urges to contact him. Not contacting him will let him see what it will be like if he loses you. Contacting him (while in Plan B) just assures him he can continue the affair (I'm assuming he's having an affair?).

But, yes - it's normal for him to be acting annoyed by you telling him you love him.

He will not want you to try to fill his love bank right now. If you are in Plan A you should continue to be loving towards him though.

I am trying with Plan A. H left me a little over a week ago. I knew something was wrong, & when I asked if he'd talk about it, he just left. He says he is unhappy in our marriage. I can find no reason to think he is having an affair. I was suspicious, of course... but there is nothing that I've found (and I have been looking) to base those suspicions on except for the fact that he left. He says he needs time away from me to think about things. He is staying at his brother's place for now. He will accept my calls & answer my emails, but refuses to see me in person. I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad I can barely breathe. The problem is, I didn't see this coming... and therefore did not do the research & learn about plan A & Plan B until he was gone... I believe I NEED to able to do plan A if I am to have a chance of his ever coming home, but I don't know how to do this. If I go into plan B now, won't he just remember how he felt when he left? I want to show him that I'm changing & becoming a better person, but how can I do that with no contact??

You can Plan A while separated. In some ways it might even make it easier for you to do. It will be easier to make sure you and your home always look spectacular when he comes over, for example. It's OK to contact him while in Plan A, but not to pressure him. So make sure you contact him less often than he contacts you. When there is contact be friendly and sound happy. It's also OK to tell him you love him, but if it makes him annoyed maybe do it less often and make sure you don't do it when in a needy state of mind, more playfully or flirty, but brace yourself for rejection and don't allow your hurt to be acted out as anger. He is going to try to reject any attempts you make to fill his needs - expect that and try not to let it bother you. If it seems to annoy him a lot or anger him then back off and just pamper and love yourself instead.

My WH was acting just like yours before he moved out. And he wouldn't tell me what was wrong (still hasn't over two years later). It's their problem and if they don't want to tell you what's going on they won't. I did eventually find out there was an OW in our situation, plus some other issues related to WH's family, and a midlife crises... But WH denies that had anything to do with why we separated, prefers to pretend it was all my fault and that I rejected him!

I didn't know about Plan A before he moved out or even for first year of separation. But eventually WH started acting nice to me again and wanted to see me (behind OW's back). He was asking me to come along for visitation with daughters, claiming the kids needed to see us together... We hadn't seen each other except for a few times at court during separation. I started allowing him to pick up the kids at my home for visitation, let him come in and hang out watching videos and invited him whenever we had company over, and even went along sometimes during visitation with kids. I did a really good Plan A for about 6 months. WH even moved back home for one week. He also agreed to sign a separation agreement to delay the divorce for a year! (I told him I would not continue to see him after the divorce was final)

And it really messed up the affair. "It was never the same"... LOL OW instantly turned demanding and controlling with WH. She checked up on him when he had visitation with his daughters and even tried to make him choose between his daughters and OW. She started breaking up with him a LOT - sometimes more than once per week, and sometimes for over a month. But my WH was so 'in love' and addicted to her that he kept going back to her. So I went to Plan B.

Anyway, I just want to assure you that you CAN do an effective Plan A even while separated.

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Thanks Meremortal... I needed to hear, or rather, see that! I am trying hard. I've committed myself to NOT contacting him - gonna leave that ball in his court for a while. Still doing Plan A, though... gonna drop off a yummy homemade desert at his office while he's out to lunch on Monday with a card that says "Just me. Just hi. Just because." I saw that card & thought it was great for this. He'll know I care, but it's not pushy in the least. I very much doubt he will be coming over here too soon. And when he does, it will either be to come back, or to get the rest of his things (let's hope & pray for the first of those options!).

Dear Wanting,

180 Divore busting comes to mind. Here is an MB Thread: toomuchcoffeeman's thread on 180 Degree Divorce Busting

m01069 has a bunch of references in her attempts to get her H back with Plan A, after giving up on a Plan B. There are a lot of refernces in her threads from myself and others. You might get some ideas just looking through the threads for links and references. m01069 Thread on Working with an Emotionally Distant Husband

Whether things are normal or abnoromal, marriage, to me, is about accommodating your spouse's eccentricities, or deviations from normal. What are your husband's above or below normal characteristics, and how have you been trying to accommodate his individual characteristics? Which ones do you suspect were important to him, that decided against trying to accommodate? What are you willing to try to change now? What love busters, or love withdrawals have you made? Who can you ask to confirm where you might be coming up short?

I am working on Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Have you been a boundary sensitive wife? Do you have a good understanding of your husband's boundaries? Boundaries can be pictures by two overlapping circles. Once circle is your wishes, the other your husband's and the overlapping part is your agreed upon wishes. Can you make three lists of yours, his and our wishes?

Do you have a marriage counselor in mind? Do you have coverage with your health plan?

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Dear Wanting,

The reference for Boundaries in Marriage, Book, DVD and Video and Instruction Book and Partricipnat's Guide is on Sale for $66.00 from Wallmart. Walmart Boundaries in Marriage Video, DVD , book, Participant's Guide and Instructor's Manual I have found them helpful. My wife and I have watched all the sessions together.

This is a reference related to 180 Degrtee Divorce Busting, but I amlocked out of editing inprevousl post. Approaches for Ending a Separation and Stopping Divorce

Have you filled out the Questionaires on Emotional Needs? Emotional Needs Questionaires

Blessings

<small>[ May 15, 2004, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>