Ok, I RELLY need some help here. This is a copy of a post I made to the Divorced/Divorcing Forum. Please see below for Update.
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Hello all!

I am new to this forum, but have been lurking around the site for a while. A little background....

My husband moved out in Oct, and filed for divorce in Feb. It's not final, and up until a week and a half ago, we (I thought) had committed to going to counseling and trying to rebuild. We were dating and having family time and still sexually intimate.

I'm 30, he's 31. We've been together for 5 years, married for 2, and to be honest, there were (are) so many problems for so long. This is a second marriage for both of us, and we have 4 girls- his 2, my one, and ours.

Yesterday, I accidentally met his new girlfriend, who he says he's been with for about 3 weeks. I am in soooo much pain that I can barely think. She's 23, never married, has a 3 year-old daughter, and works at a convenience store. She is also tall and blonde, the seemingly complete opposite of me. I stopped there to get a drink, and to my surprise, my husband was there. I went inside, paid for my drink, and by the look on my husband's face, realized. I went in to talk to her, and though I wasn't sure what I would say, I ended up being nice....to nice, perhaps. I wanted to call her a homewrecker, but I didn't. I wanted to say how she didn't have any morals, but I didn't. I wanted to plead with her to allow my husband and I to have some closure before coming between us, but I didn't. Instead, I felt sorry for her- almost in a motherly kind of way- for how uncomfortable she must have been. I explained that whatever anger I felt, it was not directed at her. Then, I left, knowing that MY husband would be by her side, attending to HER emotional needs, and kissing HER goodbye. I cried all the way home, drowning myself in self-pity.

I could ramble on forever, but here's the bottom line. My marriage has is not a very good one, and I suppose my husband sees it as having been over for some time. I've remained in denial, I guess. He doesn't treat me very well- not with love or respect, and I probably deserve better. That being said, I am so very much in love with him still. I still get butterfiles waiting to see him, and I KNOW we still have a chemistry and a deep love. I believe this OW could be anyone- as long as she isn't me, and enables my husband to have the strength to not commit to me and follow through with the divorce. He has told a number of lies about me to many people, and they are all anxiously awaiting the ending of our marriage. I doubt he'd want to disappoint them, as others' approval and acceptance is quite important to him. I've asked my husband why HER, and he said because it's "fun and she lets me do whatever I want and it doesn't take work....it's easy". Sounded very immature. He is running from responsibility, I think, as he has taken a similar approach with the kids and finances. He also stated that although he sleeps over her house, they have not been sexually intimate. I don't believe that, but I know I can forgive it with time.

My question is this- right or wrong- is there ANY WAY I can turn this around? I've made a decision to NOT be the crazy wife who has to beg her husband, only to be rejected again. Instead, I've decided to be the mature, loving wife, who displays the kind of attitude that is worthy of respect. I don't want to lose anymore self-respect, but I also don't want to lose my husband. He has many flaws, as do I. Our separation has allowed me time to grow some and reflect, and I desperately want only a chance to see if we might be able to make this work. Do any of you think there's any hope at all, or am I fighting a losing battle? I do appreciate honestly, but please- not too brutally honest, as I'm just not ready for that just yet.

Sorry this is so long. Thanks so much for your time.
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UPDATE-

Yesterday, H took OW to his family reunion, along with my stepdaughters. He didn't show up to pick up our daughter.

Today, H called me during church, and asked to talk to me about seeing our daughter. I called him back and H agreed to go out to lunch with me and the kids after church (he didn't attend church with us). He then spoke with me privately in the parking lot and came back to the house with me for a few hours afterwards. He told me that last night, he got drunk (it was the anniversary of his brother's death), and OW slept over, and they had sex for the first time. He went into great detail, and of course, told me how menaingless it was and how she wasn't good- not as good as with me, etc...

H was VERY affectionate/sexual with me, and after telling me this, asked to be intimate with me. We spent a couple of hours in the bedroom, on the bed, where he REALLY wanted me. I SAID NO! I almost gave in after much kissing, caressing, etc... (the thought of being with him sexually after he's been with HER makes me feel sick!), until his phone beeped over and over again. It was HER, trying to reach him. He had already told her he was with me earlier, when she called countless times. This time, I heard her say into the phone, "WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?". Sounded like demands for his time are already there- after only 3 weeks! We were intertwined, and he jumped out of bed, and went outside to talk to her. I was infuriated at how little regard he had for me and my feelings.

On one hand, he made me feel like dirt, and completely broke my heart to know that he had been intimate with her sexually. I hate the thoguht of him touching someone else the way he has touched me for 5 years. On the other hand, I felt relieved to know that even after that, he still wanted to talk to ME, feel close to ME, be affectionate with ME, etc. I showed me that there must not be much of a bond there. Then again, I guess he and I don;t have one either, or he wouldn't have done this to begin with, right?

Sex has NEVER been a problem for us. According to H, this OW is nobody other than somebody new and different, and for whatever reason, he says he NEEDS to have a relationship with someone else-anyone else, really, but she's there. He told me that he knows that he is happiest in a relationship, because it's when he feels safest and that he wants to experience someone new without having to look around for someone else everytime he has a free night. He just wants one person to fill that nees (but not me). H said that this relationship isn't going to be long term, as she is not his Ms. Right, but his Ms. Right Now. He didn't speak very kindly of her, basically saying that she's stupid and that they don't talk about anything important. He also said (This meant a LOT) that he wanted to put the divorce on hold, because although he feels it's what he wants now, he realizes that he may feel differently later. H has asked me to accept this OW in his life, and said he will come to me and tell me when it is over and be ready to work on our marriage.

What do I do now??? I had a chance to express s many feelings to him in such a positive manner, that this admission of his was really a good thing in many ways. It enabled us to talk openly and honestly, which is something that had been missing from our relationship. It also showed me that on some level, he trusts me and knows I'll be here for him. I know I can forgive him for the A. No questions there. I have forgiven worse. I just don't know where to go with things now.

Any suggestions?

Thanks so much!

I also forgot to add that H told me repeatedly that he missed me and loved me. I believed him. I wanted to, needed to.

Your husband sounds kind of immature. He wants a wife and a mistress. If you accept this, he will continue to cake eat. It sounds like you have done a good Plan A. Might be time for Plan B. Are you strong enough for that?

Thanks for the reply, Believer. Here's another update...

Last night, I called H, and he told me that the OW came over and he found out she had spent the day with her ex-fiance. Evidently, they had done a little more than spend the day together, as evidenced by...get this...a hickey on her neck! Anyway, H was admittedly upset, said he asked her to leave, and that he would be ending the relationship. He said he was upset because she "played him" and that he thinks she wants to get back together with her ex-, and was merely using my H to make him jealous. On one hand, it hurt me to hear that my H was jealous over another woman. On the other hand, he turned to me, and was honest with me. It felt like we developed a new friendship, which had been somehow lost in the crossfire for quite a while.

At 2 am, H called me, and asked me to come over for sex. I said no, and was upset that he looked at me like that- like someone cheap, who gets called in the middle of the night. This morning, he apologized for his behavior, and asked me to meet him for lunch today.

H says he would like to go back to MC with me, and to discuss our relationship in there only. He would also like to spend time together, to work on becoming friends again and trying to recapture that feeling of being in love with me again.

I have already asked H for NC with the OW after he ends the A today. He agreed, but can I trust him? I feel as though H only wants anything to do with me now because he doesn't have anyone else. Isn't that precisely the case?

I really don't know where to go from here. I honestly feel like H and I have made a great deal of ground lately, because as much as this A has chipped away at parts of our relationship, it has also helped to rebuild other, perhaps more important parts.

I'm not sure how a Plan B would work. Can you explain further? I understood it to be no contact. Is that where I should go with this, even when he has asked to go to MC and says he's willing to try to work on the M?

Thank you again!

Hi again. Plan B is to protect your love for him, if he is continuing to see OW. If there is NC, then do a great Plan A. Read about it here. It is to show WH what a good wife you can be and what a good marriage you can have.

There is an emotional needs questionnaire here. See if WH will fill it out. You need to start meeting his top needs. For men it is usually sex, and admiration, but check with him.

For some reason men like to be constantly admired, so see if you can find things to admire about him, and let him know.

Keep reading and posting here, and we will help you through this. You might want to move to general questions - more traffic there and you will get more advice.