I saw a post on another website for betrayed spouses. It was sparked by Dr. Phil's show yesterday. About how forgivness is a choice that we make. I think I am ready for that forgivness. Not for him, but for me. For me to let go of all of this. I now know the truth for sure of what was going on even though I knew all along, now it is confirmed. But it has been going on so long that it was no shock when I heard it.

I felt strange that when I heard the truth I didn't cry, fly off the handle nothing. Actually what I did was call him to see if he was ok. After he yelled at me the last time and hung up on me, didn't want to talk to my son. I told myself and friends that I was done with that. But I found some way, some how, to let go and forgive in some sort of way.

What are your feelings on forgivness and just letting go and either moving on into recovery together or moving on alone?

I have forgiven my WH even though he is still in the A. It took about 7 or 8 months. But after you read all the stories here, you just figure out that they probably did not set out to harm the marriage. I no longer take it personally.

I let WH retire, get his bonus and go merrily along. I even hope he has a good life. He used to be a good man.

I am struggling with forgiveness right now. I will see my husband this weekend. He has been calling every night for a couple of weeks while working out of town, but two weeks ago he was sleeping with the ow.

I keep reminding myself that God has forgiven me of stuff, adn I have to do the same. But its hard. I am so hurt and angry, there has been no apology or remorse, or acknowledgement of my pain.

I dont know if I can move on until he and I talk about things openly. I have to know that its over, and that he is done with her as a friend etc.

For now I am just waiting and trying to bear it, but its hard to even talk with him. He whines about work, his boss, etc., and I think to myself, 'I am supposed to listen to your problems when you have done so much worse to me and never even said sorry?'

I need to come to terms with this before the weekend.

Shul

I think you will know when it is time to forgive. How long ago did you discover the A? It has been a year for me this month. And I can pretty much guarentee he is still seeing her, or atleast did within the past 2 to 3 weeks. But I can't do anything about that and well all I see it is a weakness on his part, he is miserable and something is missing from inside him. I have learned that I am not responsible for his happiness. He has to do that on his own, as well as I am the only one responsible for mine. I gave forgivness to him for myself. I let go of it because I can't control it. And no matter how much I love him he is not going to change unless he wants to. I can still love him for who he is and was because I have come to terms that it is ok to still love him too.

You will know when it is the right time for you.

Hi NA,

It has been going on for about two years.

In a way this adultery is just another symptom of his spiritual condition.

I have had the sense for the past few years, that I am to get out of the way and let him do whatever he chooses to do without rescuing him or interfering in any way, and that eventually he will start to experience consequences. I see this starting to happen now.

He has Antisocial personality disorder, which is tricky to deal with. On the one hand, he is so tormented by things in his past that he has diminished control over his actions- he is really a mess. So I try not to take it personally, but it hurts all the same. There have been years of lies upon lies. He does value me, I am the only person in his life who loves him- which is why he tries to cover things up.

I am treading a thin line with him, trying to love him in spite of what he has done to me, and I have had to give up any expectations for the marriage. It is not a mutual relationship, and I have to remind myself that he can't give because he has nothing to give.

He said he would be out here today for the weekend, but he hasn't called or shown up so far. Chances are he got into town last night and went to her place. He has been calling almost every day, but he might be calling her too, when he gets off the phone from me.

This is very hard. I am going to curl up in the shelter of Gods arms today, have a good cry, and wait this out the best I can.

Shul