OK, I'm pretty sure I should just ignore this and not let it start to bug me.

Yesterday, youngest daughter contacted WH (either phone or e-mail) and said she wanted to go rollerblading with him. He had asked her if she wanted to go the day before but she had youth group at church to go to that night (Wednesday). I have no problem whatsoever with this part - them contacting each other and making visitation plans. (Have noted though that he has reverted back to only asking daughter to do things with him days/times that OW would allow... hmmm. So if he and OW are back on again WH probably got in trouble for doing something with his daughter last night LOL)

Anyway, WH lives and works almost an hour drive from my home. But he waits until he's about 10 minutes away before RSVP'ing to daughter that he's on his way to pick her up. Three possible reasons he's doing this: He is living with OW again (she lives near me), he is in town already for something (possibly including going to see OW), or he wants to show up before daughter is ready to go and thinks I will let him come in the home and wait.

The third possibility is bugging me as much as the thought that maybe he's back with OW again. WH thinks he is entitled to be treated just like he is still part of our family, even though two oldest daughters refuse to even speak to him anymore. He had told me throughout Plan A that he didn't see any reason why he shouldn't be allowed to come to my home everyday after work and for me to come along with kids during visitation - even after the divorce! During Plan A I did allow him to hang out at our home, watch videos with us, invited him over when we had friends over for potlucks, birthday parties, family game night, etc. I even went along for visitation sometimes. And he came with us to one out of state skating competition and to the drive-in movies. But of course that ended when I went to Plan B. (BTW, it also pretty much ended the affair because the OW had MAJOR issues with him spending so much time with his kids - let alone with his wife! LOL)

So now that I'm in Plan B, I don't exactly want him dropping by on very short notice, and certainly don't want him hanging around while daughter gets ready to go. To top it off, when he called yesterday to RSVP to daughter, I was outside mowing the lawn and hadn't checked my phone messages. I had just come back in for a break and snack before finishing mowing lawn. Then suddenly the doorbell rings and oldest daughter said: "WHY is Dad at the door?!?" (Oldest daughter's totally disgusted with her father and wishes youngest daughter was too...)
I go to the door, old yard work clothes on, hair a mess from sweating under straw hat I wear when gardening, mud on my legs... and probably a grumpy look on my face because I didn't appreciate him dropping by. Youngest daughter tells us she had asked him to take her rollerblading but since she hadn't heard back from him she figured he wasn't going to. She 'forgot' to tell us... (AND she was just about to take a bath so if he had been a few minutes later she either wouldn't have gone or he would have wanted to hang around to wait for her. WH asks if daughter is ready, she says 'yes', but he says he thinks she should change into shorts, too hot for jeans. She says no, she doesn't have any clean (little fibber - there are several clean pair but I think she didn't want her oldest daughter to get more upset by WH hanging around while she changed).

As WH is asking if daughter is ready he starts to pull door open more, as if he plans to come in and wait. I had opened door a tad but was standing in doorway - kinda blocking I guess. I sort of snatched the door back and shut it (didn't slam it but I'm sure he noticed an attitude from me - I certainly wasn't being hospitable) It just sort of pushed a button when he tried to open the door enough to come in and started to move as if he was going to invite himself in. I didn't say anything directly to him and didn't even look at him. He made some sort of sigh/grunt of disgust so I know he noticed. Then he went and waited in the car. No doubt he will describe it to his mommy and sisters as yet another example of him trying to supposedly save the marriage but I 'rejected' him and forced him to sleep with OW... Part of me almost feels as if I was being rude. But another part of me is annoyed that he put me on the spot like that and that I had to protect the boundary he was trying to breach. It was like when some jerk makes a sneaky sort of pass at you without coming right out and saying or doing something you can clearly object to; like somebody invading your personal space just enough to make you feel uncomfortable. It's designed to pressure you into going along or else you feel as if you're the one being rude.

I reminded youngest daughter to tell me when she makes plans (not to wait for his RSVP) and said no more about it.

But part of me wants to contact WH to ask him why he waits until he's mere minutes away from the house to RSVP? Why didn't he call daughter back before he left work? Was he with OW and couldn't call his own daughter in front of OW? (His cell phone is always off when he's with OW - his daughters have to leave messages for him and can't interrupt his time with OW and her daughter... Yet OW insists on him checking in to her by cell phone when he's with his own daughters.) I also wonder if daughter e-mailed WH or called him (and if she called him - his work phone, apt. phone, cell phone)? And how many hours had gone by between daughter leaving message for WH and him RSVP'ing? Again, this problem of only being able to reach him by leaving a message is an indicator he's back with OW...

But I'm pretty sure I should just keep busy and not think about it. I will stick to Plan B and not make contact. (Just vent about it here instead) Even if WH and OW are back together again, (it IS payday... OW is unemployed unless you count selling overpriced candles at home parties) they never stay together very long (a few days after payday he's broke so she breaks up with him again)

And I will remind daughter again from time to time to let me know whenever she wants to make plans to see her dad.

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

It would be the best thing if he was back with OW. I would stay completely out of WH's relationship with daughter. Sounds like they are doing okay. The more he sees daughter, the more he sneaks, the more OW will LB. I love it.

You stay as dark as possible, and let this dog and pony show continue.

Dear Mere Mortal,

Believer's analysis and advice seems to be right on.

I wouild add that the questions that you have, could maybe be translated in terms that are important for your youngest daughter. You could phrase these questions in terms of daughter asking WH. "Dad, could you call me from work, to let me know you are coming, so I can have an hour to get ready to go, or do you need to wait till you get near our home, for some reason?"

Might create an uncomfortable silence, but an innocent, questioning look from a 10 year old girl can be spell binding. A parent can be a drama coach also.

Blessings.

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Hello,

I would like to get some ideas on how to handle what is going on in my life right now. 13 days ago my husband lied to me about working late and took the new lady who works for us out to dinner and to a bar. He was out with her for 7 1/2 hours and told me "nothing happened"... needless to say I am devasted over this and am trying to come to terms with this whole mess. Since she is a new employee I think she can be let go because we no not have a new project for her to work on but my Dearest thinks she is too important for our "team" and we need her in our company. We have been argueing for almost 2 weeks over this and he did say he would get rid of her but he didn't. So I did! Well that all back-fired and a customer called wanting her to go fix something and when he called her in she told him that I had told her she was finished because of no work for her. Well... he flipped out and I thought for sure he would not try to work things out with me, so I called her and begged her to do deal with this one customer. I thought we were on the right track, because Dearest would not be working with her, but as it happens he had to drive her to that site (1 hour away) and she worked at one site during the day and he at another, but since he is the boss he had to go where she was and check up on the progress... then he drove her back to our home town and I wanted him to drop her off at the office so I could see her on our security camera but he didn't. He told me he dropped her off at a bus stop but I think he took her to her other job. He thinks I am completely irrational and I should calm down. He tells me he is just being nice (and he usually is nice but this doesn't feels right to me.) I don't have any idea on how to cope with this and I am having a very hard time finding a counseller to set up an appt. with. Anyone have any ideas for me??

Thanx for the reply Believer,

"It would be the best thing if he was back with OW."

My sources tell me that he isn't (as I feared) but maybe it would be better if he was. Because evidently he hates me now for breaking them up (exposure and couple times I contacted OW to give her info like she is only OW # 7, claimed she didn't believe me and/or didn't care... but apparently she did). They most likely would have broken up anyway but I guess I was partly the cause and it happened much sooner, while WH was still very much 'in love' with her. So (like everything else in his life) it's ALL my fault...

"I would stay completely out of WH's relationship with daughter."

I agree. That is why she contacts him directly about visitation plans. I just wish she'd remember to tell me ahead of time so I don't have him unexpectedly dropping by. And if he'd RSVP to her before he leaves his job or apt. I would have more than 10-15 minutes notice that he is coming over. At the very least I could make sure she's ready to go (and I'm not covered in mud LOL). I don't like bieng put in the positio of havign to assert myself when he creates an excuse to try to invite himself in to wait for daughter. Also, it really seems to bug him if I'm not here when he picks her up. So if I knew he was coming I would sometimes make sure I'm gone. The times he wanted to (try...) recovery were usually after he'd get jealous/worried because I wasn't here when came to pick up or drop off kids. He says I can't date or remarry after we divorce because I'm 'too old'... LOL I guess he figured I'd just be like the nanny the rest of my life to the kids and then grandkids?

"Sounds like they are doing okay. The more he sees daughter, the more he sneaks, the more OW will LB. I love it. You stay as dark as possible, and let this dog and pony show continue.""

Well, that WAS a MAJOR factor in why he and OW broke up (one he occasionally admitted but then goes back to denying/defending OW). OW did not want to share him with his daughters. Just 6 weeks before the divorce was suppose dot be final she started acting mega immature and selfish about it complete with trying to put him on a very short leash, making him check in with her while with daughters, and breaking up with him over it. I think it was one of the reasons why WH agreed to delay divorce for additional year!

Whaler,

Tnanx for the response,

"I would add that the questions that you have, could maybe be translated in terms that are important for your youngest daughter. You could phrase these questions in terms of daughter asking WH. "Dad, could you call me from work, to let me know you are coming, so I can have an hour to get ready to go, or do you need to wait till you get near our home, for some reason?"

Might create an uncomfortable silence, but an innocent, questioning look from a 10 year old girl can be spell binding. A parent can be a drama coach also."

Thanx for the suggestion, but I think I'd best just leave it alone. I just don't want to be surprised by him dropping by with littel to no notice and daughter not beign ready to go, so he has an excuse to hang around. Anyway, her older sister (who says she never wants to see her father again) already gives her a pretty hard time about WH coming over to pick her up for visitation. My daughter is 12 and I think she would instantly pick up on it and resent it if I tried to get info from her. She does offer some info sometimes. For example, when OW was playing tug-of-war with daughters for their father's time (July through October) daughters would complain to me that OW was interrupting the visitation with their father by calling him on his cell phone, or their father was calling OW to check in (telling her exactly which daughters were with him and where they were going!) Youngest daughter would soemtimes go weeks refusing to speak to or see her father then suddenly would agree to go do things with him every day. I think at those times she was trying to compete with OW (and more importantly OW's daughter) for her father's time. I think she was trying to spend so much time with her father he wouldn't have time for them.

Hi Heart Broken,

I think you're gut instinct on this is right.
I don't think your husband is just trying to be nice. (Has he ever given a male employee this extra special treatment?) And even if he were just being nice, and there's nothing really to worry about... If YOU don't feel confortable about it, and it's obviously causing you so much worry, then he should knock it off. His # 1 priority should be to care about YOU - not OW.

And IMO there's no excuse for the taking her out to dinner and a bar, such a BIG block of time basically unaccounted for. Does he do that for ALL new employees? Or is he in fact giving her special treatment? And if it was just an employee benefit of sorts then why weren't you invited along too?

I think you were justified in firing her and I would have rather put up with the disgruntled customer than to ask her to come back.

I definitely would consider this a boundary violation. Both your husband and the OW are pretty much expecting you to put up with this and disregarding your (very appropriate IMO) fears. I say stand your ground and set up even firmer boundaries to protect yourself from such abuse. I woudl fire her agian and this time I'd tell her it's because she and your husband are behaving inappropriately - unprofessionally even. And if a customer asks for her I'd tell the customer the real reason she had to be let go too - that you found out she was dating your husband and you had to fire her to protect your marriage AND business. If they don't like it or want to pretend your being silly or mean - TOUGH!

Have you exposed this to anyone else yet? What do your family and friends think about your husband giving this woman so much time and attention? More importantly, what do the other employees think of it? Maybe if they started to question why she is being given extra special treatment it would help put a stop to it?

I know that creepy feeling you're having - that if I assert myself they are going to act like I'm just being rude fear. THAT is what I meant by feeling so annoyed by my husband just dropping by and putting me on the spot. I would have rather avoided having to shut the door so he couldn't come in. I know you aren't comfortable with what your husband and the OW are doing... But you also don't feel confortable having to speak up and put a stop to it. No doubt they will pretend you are overreacting. Do NOT let it stop you from protecting yourself, your marriage, and your business. If your husband and OW don't have the sense or decency to put a stop to this before it goes any further, you need to set some very firm boundaries ASAP. Already your husband may have exposed your business to the risk of a sexual harrassment lawsuit. He's not thinking of your marriage or your business; don't let fear of criticism or accusation of jealousy stop you from doing what you can to protect what's yours.