Hello Everyone,
I haven't posted in a while. I have been on a "wild ride!" Since I originally found out about the A in February, my WH has been going back and forth. He doesn't know what he wants. He says he wants to work on the marraige, but he continues to talk to OP.

I finally got my courage up and moved out on Tuesday. I, of course, took our three girls with me. I wrote him a Plan B letter and left it for him to see when he got off work. I let him know how much I loved him, but that I could not continue to let him hurt me. I told him that as long as he was with another person, I could not see or talk with him. It hurts too much.

I know many of you are wondering why I moved out instead of kicking him out. Well, I will tell you. Not only has he been having an A, but he has renewed his old compulsive habit of gambling. I have found out about a lot of personal outstanding loans that he has throughout town. Needless to say, we have all of our creditors calling our house. We are in the middle of filing bankruptcy. If I would have stayed at the house, that would have all been dropped in my lap! I also told him in the letter that since he was the one breaking up this family, then it is only fair that he pick up the broken pieces! I also wanted him to be reminded each day of the family he is leaving behind. Everyday he will be reminded of us and what he is leaving behind if he seeks a relationship with OP.

He did leave for about a week before Easter to "be on his own," but he ended up staying with her. After spending time with us at Easter, he wanted to work on our marraige again and he still hasn't committed to NC with her!!!! His reason for staying with her before was because he had no where to stay. Well, this resolves that issue too!

He needs to spend time by himself to do some soul searching. I did talk to him yesterday (accident!). I was callling to leave a message for him to get the phone bill paid or it was going to get shut off. I was not expecting him to be home. Well, he answered the phone. He cried the whole time. He was crying so hard at one point that he was hyper-ventalating. I kept my cool. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He said that he thought he had made the wrong choice and that he was so confused and sad. I told him that I was very worried about his mental state. He is very emotionally unstable right now. He is in a downward spiral. I told him that he should start back on his Zolof right away and that he need to get some councelling. He knows the he has issues, but he doesn't know what to do. I told him to not just get any councelor, but get a spiritual councelor. We have never attended a church since we moved here. The girls and I are the only ones that have ever gone. My H has only gone to church maybe 3 or 4 times in our 16 years of marraige. He believes in God, but has never built a relationship with him. I told him that a spiritual councelor would not only help him understand himself better, but help him to form a relationship with God so that he can become a stronger person. After that I repeated a lot of what I told him in the Plan B letter and suggested that he stay away from both OP and me. This would allow him to do some "soul searching" and find himself again. Right now he is EMPTY inside! Although, no formal diagnosis has been done on my H, I believe he has a passive-aggressive personality. He has all the same traits. Blames his problems on everyone else, addictive person, procrastinates making important decisions, etc. It is also said that people with passive-agressive personalities are more likely to cheat. Interesting, isn't it. I would suggest that any of you that feel that your WS my have a passive-aggressive personality that you do a little research. It sure opened my eyes. Now I feel that I have a bit of an upper-hand. Some of the sites I found on-line even give you tips on how to deal with this personality disorder.

Well, right now I am staying with friends. They are helping me to stay strong. Being with them is sooo much easier than being in the house with all those memories! I am finding out how many good friends I have. Since I don't have a pot to P*ss in, they have been feeding us too! I feel like such a moocher! I have always been the giver not the taker, so it is really a struggle for me to do this!

I written way more than I had planned to....sorry! I give you another update next week.

Dear hard,

I am a husband working on Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Usually, I try to raise questions, and see my problems in the reflections.

You point out a number of aspects of irresponsibiity for your H. Gambling, Debts, Bankruptcy, a continuing contact with an OP.

One objective of Boundaries, is to bring things up in a loving manner, but will full confrontaton of problems now, and on the horizon.

You are not specific about what counselor to go to. You don't mention any specific programs that might help. You don't mention a plan for joint parenting, if divorce takes place.

Have you talked to an attorney about the separation and the bankruptcy? I understand the logic you have presented for moving out of your house. I always stay ready to leave my house when things are getting out of hand. But in bankruptcy, I believe the family home can be saved from bankruptcy, under certain conditions.

You are certainly within your rights to insist on no contact. It souds like H is in bad shape right now. Zolof cannot be but a temporary bandaid, but is not very often a solution for a gambling addiction.

Cloud defines 6 types of marital problems, and gives 10 Laws for determing who is responsible for solving any problem. The 10 laws also provide a basis for the harmed spouse to confront the offending spouse.

Cloud suggests that the spouse feeling offended should first look for any options for avoiding playing into the sequence of irresponsibiity of the offending spouse.

What are your terms for reconcilation? What do you think time alone is going to do for H? For the marriage?

It seems to me that you should be insisting on some specific program of his getting himself together, or you are bringing the hammer down. What programs for gambling addiction do you like? What other hammers can you bring down?

Parenting courses always helped my wife and I work better together, but it seems you are beyond the point where that makes sense, for right now.

To expect this guy to figure out how to put it together may be asking more than is realistic. I suggest that you may be wise to do the research for him, and make specific demands for particpation in counseling or programs. You can use an intermediary, if you want to stay dark, but I suspect H needs to be led by the hand.

Blessings