I post on recovery. but now...dday was 10-02. lots of ups and downs-continued contact with ow- etc. Married 24 years. grown sons 19-22;living at home- going to school and working-paying their way. H finally made MC appt last week- left this week. have seen -talked -emailed everyday but answer is always the same "you should have thought more about me sooner- I don't know if I am coming back or when - I want to do what I want to do when where and with who" etc.....new kind of fog to me. Sons answer is clear- come back or get out of my life. same for me I guess! what a rats nest its turned out to be. tomorrow is OS birthday dinner party here with both our families. H says he is coming but won't be staying to live. lawyer/minister/counselor all say "let him come" so we will. but if hes a jerk.....still has no time-line for when/if.......what do I do? change the locks? make my own time limit?

this h is REALLY lost and we want him back- go ahead- never had to consider this mess.....I don't know what to do.

PEACE OUT

Are you in plan A or plan B?

If you are in plan B...yes...you can change the locks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

the ow was purportedly gone. now H is parked in her driveway- yet has every contradictory line in the book- I miss you-I'm just not ready. I love you but I don't know if I am coming home. you don't need a lawyer- maybe I should get one too. I'll come for the party but won't stay. should I come early to cook? I need the car- you can keep it. ( I told him to take it I would walk!) and here is the killer phrase that h gives to me and ow tells her h. we are not having an affair at this time. just talking. ooooooooooook. last nite sons found out h bought a new truck and parked it in ow driveway- it was a long night- their fear comes out in anger that their father won't come home and of course all I want is my M. MC is required before D in our state and we have an appt in 2 weeks. the MC pre-paperwork came this week but H hasn't been home to read any mail.Yesterday h gave me his cell phone # and said he would answer if the kids called. OS called 3 times and got no response. I am going shopping for the dinner party now and we'll see who shows up. maybe nobody but me and the kids?? anyway.....I don't know what steps to take or not, next. PLEASE advise........

PEACE OUT

Sprezz, this is the point I would go NC. This is the point you decide what you can and cannot live with. It is so much easier to sit here and tell you what to do vs live it.

If you let this go, and allow too much, it won't end and you have no marriage. If you get a lawyer, it may end and you have no marriage. So, really, it comes down to how it is you want your life to be.

This is the point I would take everythng he owns and put it in the bed of his truck, get the lawyer and change the locks. He has made it clear what it is he wants and WHY he has been so distant for so long.

It wasn't until I was ready to end the marriage did the marriage actually begin. I was ready though. It wasn't a bluff.

My best advice? Get some ambien. At least you will get a few hours sleep. The nights are always the worst.

If you have been in plan A long enough...according to MB 6 months...then you should go to plan B. No more talking...time for action in your part.

But i do not how you can do NC with your husband since you hv appt with MC in two weeks. Why dont you hang on until then and see what happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

h left a week ago today. I can't keep going like this-h bought a new truck- sleeping at ow- HELLO???????? told him to come today to talk before party- end of story. can't do this- ''maybe'' CRAP. not ready to talk etc........ who knows if he would show for the MC appt.......

PEACE OUT

How long did you follow Plan A? I read with a WH the BW should do a good Plan A for 3 months (BH should Plan A WW for 6 months).

If it's ANY comfort whatsoever, your WH sounds just like mine - says some of the same things. We could have the truck, we could use the truck, we couldn't have the truck, we couldn't even use the truck? Also my oldest daughter told WH she won't even speak to him unless he 'gets rid of bimbo'. And when WH was with OW he wouldn't anser his cell phone, expected his own daughters to leave a message for him (but OW would call to check up on him interrupting daughters' visitation with their father).

If you've already done Plan A go to Plan B and stay there.

As far as son's birthday party goes... Does son want his father there? If so, then let him come but you can still do Plan B. Just don't talk to him, don't sit by him, ignore him but in the most civil way so as not to ruin the party. Smile and talk a LOT - to everyone else. Have fun and enjoy the day. You don't have to let him come earlier or stay later than the other guests... However, if you want to stay in Plan A a bit longer him hanging around at your house will probably cause the OW to nag. If you're ready to start Plan B (and more importantly stick to - therowsie don't start it yet), you could just get info to him for minimal time for party (like having him be there for when the cake is cut and presents opened). Make sure it is communicated to him that he is only being invited per son's request and will no longer be welcome in the home and/or your presence until he meets conditions to end affair. Have you found somebody to serve as intermediary yet (I still haven't but had to go to a sort of Plan B anyway). If your son wants him at the birthday party (which is the only way I'd allow him to come) then your son could just give him an invitation with the beginning and ending time of the party - just liek all the other guests get. Also, if the birthday boy would want to spend more time with his dad than you would want to on that day, you could suggest they go do something together before and/or after the party. That way nobody can falsely accuse you of trying to prevent him from being involved in his son's birthday.

Whatever you decide YOU and your sons should definitely enjoy the day (and hopefully OW will be most miserable).

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 12:08 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

sprezzatura...hugs to you...I am so sorry to hear the latest news...

Plan B is definitely where you should be...you need protection honey...

if you read this message before the party, my suggestion would be to get through it however you can...as was already said, with NO expectations, no discussion with H if at all possible...

he is in a place where he is hurting you a lot...we don't know why he is there himself...perhaps he doesn't know either which is why you get confusing messages...

but you do not control him or his actions...

can you Plan B? are you feeling strong enough to do so? will your sons support you in this?

awed

oooook. called h this morning after a major drama last night-he agreed to come here to talk before the party today or there would be no party. never showed up all day. did show up in a new fancy red truck 1/2 hour before party. we had cancelled the parental guests by then. OS and I talked to H- he kept waiting for the party......H was here almost 3 hours. YS NEVER said ONE word. and H didn't try to draw him out. YS and H are BUDDIES- close as can be. too amazing and sick to see that scene. OS (his 22nd birthday) talked very reasonable with H til the 2 hour point. then couldn't resist bringing up that its not ok to live with ow and her young child up the street from us....h got REALLY angry and left shortly after. we are changing the locks NOW and H agrees he is abandoning us etc. plan B is here huh? tell me all about it folks.........someone followed him on a 20 mile car ride and he met ow and is in her house now. up the street. he just returned a cell call to OS and says he is not there at ow house. we watched him meet her- ride with her and go into her house. did I mention plan B is here? let me have it.........

PEACE OUT

Dear Sprezzatura,

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{sprezz}}}}}}}}}}}big hug for you!!

N/C!! NONE! do not talk to him....let him come over.....call....anything!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Change those locks and write a plan B letter!!
I think your H will come around....I don't know why but I have a "feeling"....HOPE I am right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blessings,
Atruheart

I was briefly talking to Janie about you tonight on the phone, and without having read this thread, or knowing much about your situation, it seemed quite apparent to me that you should be in plan B.

I know it's hard.... especially when you don't feel that you're ready to be in plan B. But you need to remember... plan B is not entirely NC. It is there to PROTECT YOUR LOVE for your H, and to help him to get out of his fog when he cannot just come and go as he pleases around you (which he is obviously doing... and it sickens me! Ugh!).

I agree with the suggestion that you work on your plan B letter, and wait until the MC session. That gives you time to work on the letter, and see a lawyer, and hopefully, get some much needed sleep (always the best thing to have in these situations... and almost always the hardest thing to get).

I've followed a bit on MB Ladies too... but didn't know what to say there.

Take care,
Karen

(((((((((((((( sprezz ))))))))))))))))

Sorry for this turn of events. S, you have to go Plan B, all the way!! You know from reading here how it goes. Give him the letter. Change the locks. Do NOT speak to him, NO contact. Read up on SAA again. Can you counsel with SH at all? He is a great coach, support etc. He really helped me in my Plan B.

Your H is a mess--don't let him make you one too. At this point you concentrate on YOU. Don't let yourself thing about what H is doing or thinking. Let his situation explode, and it will, without any help from you. Remember, all his comments are fog talk. They will not make sense and can be hurtful. Plan B protects your love for him so that these comments are not heard and taken to heart.

Get busy on yourself. What do you like to do? TAke walks, pray, read, get manicure, got to lunch/dinner with friends, do fun stuff with your sons. Anything and everything to make you feel better.

Let him go. Let him live with his choices.

I know it is hard, but the other choice is to continue as it is, and that sucks even more because you are being hurt so much and losing self respect.

Read all those good success stories again about those on the brink of divorce whose M's were saved: Lor(Lor), HopesAlive, there are a few more, but I can't remember their names.

Praying for you.

Hi Sprezz

You have been at plan A way too long.

There are times when plan A works for us. You by now know well my story. For me, plan A was a better choice than plan B, plan B was never an option, until someone pointed out that my H didn't had your regular fog. He even lied a whole IC appointment, that was, when I knew, I had to come to plan B (messed up, but still we didn't talked at all for 3 months or so, just email), not just because to save the love I had left, but to save me of my own crazines, and all the pain and hurt I was getting because of it.

Your plan A didn't worked fully, you couldn't separate your H from the OW. He got plenty of time to do it, and so do you to change. You made those changes, and still he is worse than ever.

You need plan B but to yourself. I know you want your M, but the truck issue, and leaving you without FS at all knowing your situation, would be a deal breaker for me. He knows what he is doing, and he knows his cards, and why you want him so badly and he can continue doing this. FS is a very powerful need. Get to a lawyer, change the locks, stop the insanity for a while.

I never thought that plan B would bring us together, and even worse when I started to think and act on D, was when H started to come back. I don't know, if it's going to work, but since last week, H had made a sudden change or gears, and he is trying but with good faith I think. It took us like 16 months to arrive here. 14 of those separated, but it is different.

You need plan B for yourself, not for your H.

Hi all- ya know......I was doin' ok this morning- sent YS off to college-made a plan for getting his job going again this afternoon-collaborated on a birthday gift for OS- all good. then I read the plan B letter thread- copied some parts so I can write it by hand and have it delivered to H. and then my baby-hes 22 today and training to be a freight engineer, walked down the steps and I lost it. kissed his hand and said Happy Birthday baby. when his father was here yesterday for the "party that wasn't" OS cried like a baby for 1/2 hour- I thought I would have to call 911 he was so distraught. H sat right still. OS is a strong wonderful young man and he is breaking apart. HE DRIVES A FREIGHT TRAIN! YS won't even talk to H at all. or about the entire subject. hes gone superficial and I see this as depression.

OS changed the locks last nite- I have money for a lawyer and a new truck to drive myself thanks to the graciousness of my parents. My stepfather is literally dying in bed from multiple terminal illnesses and wouldn't even get into his wheelchair yesterday because of this mess.

we do have a MC appt. on June 15th. but who knows if H will show up-he didn't take that mail either-the uptake papers you have to fill out for the 1st session. I did explain to him yesterday that MC is required by our state for D,it is suggested that we persue it on our own and not have it judge-ordered; which I have no intention at this time in filing for. I may have to file for spousal support-I am employed part time for 8 weeks this summer but that equals one month of h usual pay. so - I can "go dark" for a few days and see how it goes.

H parents called me last night after they missed the NON-party- and assured us that no matter what their son says to the contrary that they are on our side- do want to see/hear from us and wholly disapprove of H behavior. (h told us yesterday that his family wants nothing to do with us-stay away from them etc....)

thats my morning update- I will work on the Plan B letter and be ready to send it if that time comes.

thanks for posting to me.....peace be with you all.

PEACE OUT...and IN!!

Sprezz, I just hurt for you. Just coming back here brings me to places in my soul I would prefer to forget. The pain is so intense where you are right now.

If you want to chat, I am going to go sit in the chat room

went to chat- didn't see you- I'll go back.....

Stay dark in plan B...try your best.

I have fallen twice during my on going plan B. Each time i fell it only brought me back to square one.

Try to resist the temptation of wanting him, need to save the marriage and children story excuses. You will without doubt find some kind of excuse for yourself to contact WH. DON'T DO IT. WH will also contact you for all sort of excuses...you must ignore the calls. Imagine that all the contact from WH is like getting battered from an abusive husband. Can you imagine yourself as a battered wife and tolerating all those abuses? if you are not then resist his calls and remain dark.

You will have thoughts of him in the first few days...try hard to resist contact...2 months is the turning point in plan B. Keep dark for 2 months then you will be strong enough.

Get yourself a battle cry e.g. i am moving on. i am strong...i dont need WH etc etc...whenever you feel like you are missing WH like crazy...scream that battle cry.

I have done plan B and gone through the worst part of the plan. If i can do it so can you. Keep strong and keep dark.

have to tell lawyer by this thursday if h intends to have his pay automatic deposit as is usual, in the bank so we can use it to pay household bills. if he is not going to leave it in the auto. deposit state so I can use it, then I have to tell the lawyer by thursday. it takes a week to get spousal support and the check will be coming in another week 1/2.

so. do I have son ask father about the check? or try myself.......

PEACE OUT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sprezzatura:
<strong> do I have son ask father about the check? or try myself.......
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't insert your son in a financial support issue. It will alienate both of them, from each other and from you.

It's time to relax - pay the bills you can, live lean and set aside for the bills you'd have to pay next week out of his check Thursday. Then if he keeps direct depositing his check, your fine. If not, sic the lawyers on him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You are getting good advice. Avoid talking directly to H at all costs. Let him not get his needs met, not be able to blame you and shield yourself from his painful idiocy.

You can correspond on particular financial issues via email (be all business) or get an intermediary--a family friend, minister, someone who can be neutral and not betray any emotions.

S, hang in there. You are doing great. This MUST be done and believe me, if you don't talk to him, don't put ANY stock in him calling you for any reason, don't get your hopes up until he shows you by his actions that he is giving up OW, you will feel a whole lot better in Plan B.