Interesting idea. I read somewhere 3 to 6 months. personally I remained in fog for over 2 years. I have spoken to others whose spouses remained in fog for 3 years....I often see the 3 year figure here. 3 to 6 months seems ridiculously little to me when my husband is still in the fog (although no longer having an affair). Personally I have decided to give PlanA a year and then review the situation (besides...as far as domestic support goes, its going to take me that long to finish getting the house tidy!). id be interested to see what others opinion on this is.

I lasted only 3 weeks in plan A. I could not continue to do plan A while knowing Wh has an on going affair. I was lovebusting badly at the end of the 3rd week.

You had an affair for 20 months during that time did you feel any feelings whatever towards BS? I am wondering what WH is going through in his head daily now that we are in plan B.

Thanks

4 1/2 months and I'm surprised I survived. Hmmm...Plan A is only to end the A. After that, both spouses need to be on board to recover the M. Have you been to MC?

zizzycool....I felt only friendship towards my BS during that time. I felt no romantic love and woudl have been perfectly happy for him to begin another relationship. The problem was that he was continually LBing during that time. I went from relationship to relationship because he was treating me so badly and I was so in need of affection. If he had PlanAed I think it would have been a different story. It took our being apart for a long time, and my realising that he was moving on (Plan B I guess) for me to return.

lbc.... I am continuing to Plan A because basically he is still in withdrawal. He feels no romantic love for me at all ("I care for you but I am no longer in love with you") and I feel he is at risk of beginning another relationship at any time one presents itself. Thus due to his lack of commitment Im still in PlanA. If you think about, Plan A which includes avoiding LB and trying to meet ENs is what is needed for recovery anyway. He is very hurt (both by me and the end of his recent relationship) and very vulnerable and I feel that Plan A is the best way to go.

Debbra,

There is no way that I can say strongly enough, but Plan A has specific guidelines because those are the time frames that have the best results. Can you vary it slightly...of course. Can you vary it for a year...not on your life. Those folks who have extended it for one and two years have almost all done it with disastrous results. BTW...if an affair is OVER you should NEVER be in Plan A. You should still be meeting needs, and stopping love busters (that part of Plan A is forever)...the difference is....that you should be marriage building...negotiating with the POJA...following the four rules for a successful marriage....time, care, protection and honesty. Plan has no expectations because it's a strategy to end affairs...marriage building is about recovery after the affair. NOT the same thing.

Star*fish...u r absolutely right! It just seems to me that there is a stage somewhere between the affair ending and recovery which is where the FWS is still in the fog and unwilling to put anything into the marriage, despite the affair being over. I read this about a lot of spouses. I think this stage is simply called withdrawal and it is this that can last up to a year (in my case it lasted longer than that). IM not sure what we call this stage. Certainly in my case it took my husband moving onto a PlanB type thing for me to come out of the fog....

Debbra,

Early Recovery is definitely a very difficult time...in some ways...almost harder than the dealing with the infidelity because the steps to change it are more elusive. Physical withdrawal from the affair (yes physical...as in biochemistry) occurs in about 3 weeks) but psychological withdrawal can take much longer. I think when you talk about Plan A...you're really talking about the part of it about no love busting and filling needs...which is only half of it. That's the half that should be maintained long term...for all of us who wish to have happy marriages. But what do you do if your spouse continues to neglect you long term and refuses to come out of withdrawal? Well, I think that's when you DO continue to practice the skills you learn here...but it's NOT a good idea to have no expectations (like in Plan A).

Why? Well there are some really good reasons why. That kind of plan....sets up some pretty destructive and debilitating patterns in a marriage. The WS learns to take take take...and the BS learns to give give give. This isn't healthy and it won't rebuild the marriage. It is also a recipe for disaster because it's almost impossible to maintain. The spouse who is the giver....remains strong as long as possible while being neglected...but slowly the love for the spouse is being destroyed in that process. The result is that they either just leave....OR their taker comes out raging.

Recovery is about negotiating. So after the affair...that's what needs to be occurring. If a spouse ultimately refuses to reinvest in the marriage...it may finally be necessary to move to a higher risk strategy like Plan B to end the neglect. And it's better to do THAT and protect the love they have....than remain in a perpetual Plan A and let it slowly slip away until the opportunity for Plan B has just slipped away too because the love is GONE.

Make sense?

It funny that you write that because I was just thinking along those lines. I am VERY slowly watching my spouse come out of withdrawal. he seems to slip in and out. Today we spent nearly all day alone together and it was really positive. He even wanted to go out together this evening and later watch a movie (and have sex)with me instead of going online. he didnt forget the "dont read anything into this" comment before going to sleep though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What I have realised are that all the reasons that I left the marriage are still there, some are actually worse. I realise that these conditions, if not fixed in the long term, will make my resentment build again. What I really dont know is when to begin the negotiations... He still says that he wants to leave me (he cant afford to do this at the moment anyway) so I really dont feel in a state to be able to do anything like beginning negotiations to have my needs met at the moment. I do show appreciation when he does things for me that do meet my needs but other than this positive enforcement I really dont even see a way to approach the subject. If I ask him to meet specific needs he will simply say hes leaving anyway so whats the point, and that he doesnt want the marriage to work.

when I came back I did set a year as a marker point for me to reassess the situation. At the moment I am simply heading for this point. I cant see any possibility of getting my needs met until he comes out of the fog. In teh meantime I am concentrating on not LBing and fulfilling his needs. he wont tell me what these are so Im using the top 5 mens needs plus conversation , which I know is important to him.

When, and how, can I begin negotiations?