Please excuse my abbreviations as I am not all that familiar yet with the ones used here. In 9/03 I found out my H was having an A with a woman he works with. I felt like things were wrong (time he couldn't account for, unusual phone calls, etc), and then I figured out how to get into his work e-mail. I'm not really proud of doing that, but I felt like I had to. The e-mails I found made it obvious their A had been going on for awhile. He swore he would end things with her, have no contact with her, etc. I believed him, and started making changes in myself to try and improve our M - being more considerate, trying to make him feel more loved, etc. In February I suspected they were seeing each other again, then in May I was standing next to him when she called him. Just Friday he said he was going to dinner with friends, which I didn't believe. The next day I was doing laundry and found baseball tickets in his pocket with her name on it, from the night before. Part of me says he left them there hoping to get caught. Since we have already been through the part where I beg him to stop seeing OW, he promises, then he breaks that promise, I told him we must seperate until he figures out why he continues to do this and until he is ready to stop and recommit to our M. Am I right in doing this? How long do I let this go on? What if he shows up in a day or two saying he's ready? How do I believe that this time will be different? I have read lots of post on this board, and it gives me hope that if we both really want to make this work we can. I'm just so hurt, and angry I don't know what to do next.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have come to the right place. You should do a good Plan A (showing him what a good wife you could be) for about 3 months. Then it is time for Plan B.

Post up on general questions. There is more traffic there.

Right after the phone call on Mothers Day I found this sight and started Plan A. I felt like things were going well - we talked more, he even commented on how great things were going, I made sure to do things I knew he liked, etc. The problem was that he also began trying to make our marriage work, or so I thought. Then I find out it's all been a lie and that he never really stopped seeing OW. I feel like I just made myself so vulnerable, and have been tricked once again. I thought moving to Plan B already was what was needed because I'm not sure I can take this dissapointment again. I also think he continued the affair in part because he knows how much our M means to me and that I'll do just about anything not to have it end. I felt like the only way I could make him take this seriously was by seperating for awhile. We have been married just over 10 years. He had another A around years 3-6 but I really wasn't strong enough emotionally then to hash everything out. I know that keeping my hurt and anger in over that time is mainly what has caused our M to fall apart and make H more vulnerable to this A. I am truly trying to work through all that, and have told H as much. I will also take your advice and post this on "general questions". Thanks for your help!

Hurt in DE,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. From what I read in your post it sounds like you have been doing a good plan A. Be proud of yourself for that.

His behavior, painful as it is, seems typical.
He may have actually been sincerely trying to work on the marriage, but an affair is an addiction. Without complete separation from teh other person, he will fall again. Have you read the section on the marriage builders site, titled "How an affair should end"? In order to be able to believe him when he comes back he needs to write an "No Contact" (NC) letter. After that he needs to provide you with accountability. NC sometimes requires a job change. He sounds like he is still in the fog and will not like hearing this. That's ok. Continue plan A. He will come out of it eventually. One way or the other most affairs end. Plan A is hard but it works.

Also, have you exposed the affair?

JGNC
BH (30) - me
FWW (29)
D-Day 10/4/03
NC 3/04
In Recovery

The affair has not been exposed. To tell the truth I am too embarrased to want it known publicly. But quite honestly I think a few people (his coworkers) probably know or are suspicious. We live in a small town where there arent' many secrets. OW lives about an hour away. I have read about the NC letter and will approach him about that. I have come to the point where I can kind of understand why/how the A began, and can forgive that. But I cannot yet understand why he would continue it after knowing how much pain it is causing me. Does anyone know of posts from WS's that could explain what is going through their minds? And am I currently in Plan B since we are seperated?

I have not been in Plan B. But no you are not in Plan B. If you were in plan B then you would not take him back until the NC letter was written and you had sent it for him, he had agreed to accountability, counseling and committed to recovery. During Plan B you would have absolutely no contact with him regardless of what he said until he committed to the conditions.

I understand what you mean about exposure. There was a thread around here when I first got here talking about just that. Remember, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You understand how your actions made him vulnerable but he chose to do this. He is the one shaming himself. You are the one choosing to stay in your M, when by most opinions you have every right to leave. Do not be enbarrassed.

I encourage you to expose the affair because affairs wither in the light of day. him and the OW are living in a fantasy world. Exposure helps shatter that fantasy. Right now he is in the fog and addicted to her. That is why he is doing this. He is living in a fantasy world.

If the OW is married contact her husband and tell him what you know. Contact your family and maybe even his family. Inlaws are tricky, sometimes they will back their son no matter what, others will actually hold him accountable. Choose people that will be allies to you, support you and will encourage him to return to his marriage.

A friend and I were recently having a discussion about wedding guests. We invite friends and family to a wedding to bear witness to our exchange of vows. When they do so, they have a responsibility to hold us accountable to those vows. Expose the affair to those that will hold him accountable.

Take good care,

I will think long and hard about your suggestion. One issue is that exposing this to his family probably wouldn't matter - his brother recently left his wife for another woman, and my H's parents lived together but were never married (his mother died when he was young) and had a very rocky relationship from what I understand. I am reluctant to tell my family because what happens when we eventually get back together (hopefully)? I can forgive him, but I wonder if my parents would ever really be able to? That just seems like a really bad position to put them in. OW is not married. I couldn't agree more that what they have is just a fantasy life - at least once when I know they have been out together they have taken her young niece with them. Almost like it was their own little family outing. It's interesting because one of the unresolved issues in our M is when to have a family. My H seems certain that he wants one, and I do too but only when the time is right. I thought last summer was the right time but thank goodness we hadn't actually done it since I then found out about the A in September. I kind of wonder if deep down he isn't so sure he wants a family and that is why he keeps doing things that he knows will prevent that from happening? I have asked him about that reasoning and never gotten a real response. As of today he has respected my wishes not to contact me, and I feel a little guilty that last night at home alone I felt a little relieved to not be dealing with the pressure of the relationship. I just wish he was ready to give her up already and work on us. Time will tell I suppose. I found some threads on why WS did what they did. I find it interesting that even in recovery many of them still can't give a really good reason.