Been trying to Plan A. WW won't accept it. Criticizes or ignores everything. Very painful.

That is how most WS's act. Continue to Plan A. It is quite miserable at first, but it can be done. Many of us have been through what you are going through, and have emerged a better, happier person.

Did your wife show up for the counseling?

Are you working on yourself? That is the main component of Plan A. You need to show her the wonderful person she married!

Believer, she did show up. But it was very quiet on the ride there. She doesn't want me to even talk to her. What a turn around. Before the EA became a PA she actually sought me out for conversation on occassion. But since her return is has been cold and bitter.

She told the councilor she came to make sure I understood our marriage was unmendable. But she did agree to show for another session. I started a thread in General Q's about first session of therapy. It was not what I expected.

It is hard to Plan A, I feel almost incapacitated by this whole thing. Can't think can't get motivated. Everytime I say Good Morning, or Goodbye. I get nothing in return. THe silence is so painful.

I know where you are....because I'm there too....although my WH says he's not leaving, he's not "here" with me and our family, and the coldness is sometimes (always?) heartbreaking.

But occasionally there is a thaw....and then it's back to the same old coldness and yes, you feel like a doormat, or worse. I don't have any words of advice (since I almost gave up on it myself!) but to hang on...because that's what I'm trying to do as well.

And listen to WW....REALLY REALLY listen to her....I didn't do nearly enough of that with WH, and sometimes plan A's gift is silence on your part --so that you can listen to her.

And take time for yourself (sounds crazy, but its absolutely necessary)....work out, listen to music , whatever.

I know the pain, believe me.....good luck!

Plan A is very frustrating. It IS very hard to do. While the WS is still in the A, or in Withdrawal; ie, the FOG, you will get little or no positive feedback. As a matter of fact, it will often elicit very negative responses. It is a defense mechanism the WS has to continue to "justify" their bad choice. WS's will often become extremely aggressive in picking fights with the BS, to exact anger, frustration, LB's, Angry Outbursts and Disrespectful Judgements.

In reality, they are attempting to "prove to themselves" you are really the "MONSTER" they NEED for you to be to JUSTIFY the Affair.

Do not fall for this manuever. Plan A is not for wimps. Stand up and be tall. Accept their irrational behaviour as "normal". Do NOT be provoked. Simply state that you will not be a party to a conversation that is contrary to your efforts to show her that you care for her.

You will need to draw on an inner strength that you may not even know you have, but you can do this. Make sure you understand Plan A, and exercise it with a vengence. If you haven't seen your MD about AD's, it may be very helpful to your efforts to be calm, cool and collected.

Best Wishes

SD

Familyman - I have seen a lot of people here whose spouse just went to counseling to end the marriage. They plan A'd their fanny off, and are now reconciled. So do not give up hope. And be sure to take care of YOU.

What can I do if she doesn't tell me what I wasn't doing right? I mean I thought I was doing everthing right before, but I was doing what I thought was right - not what she thought.

I suspect I didn't meet her need for conversation, and it is apparent to me now we did not communicate clearly with each other. How can I do that better is she WON"T TALK.
I do know I major LB'd with angry outbursts at least once a month. Haven't had any for over a month and am controlling it ok so far.

Okay, in the counseling session, she did spew out everything that was wrong with you. What did she say? Work on those things. Right now work on yourself. You really cannot do anything to influence her. She is like a drug addict.

And remember, WS's tend to blame everything on the BS, and rewrite the history of the marriage. So you have to listen carefully to what she says. Then you have to seperate what you need to work on from what is just her excuse for the affair.

Also you need to get busy doing things for you. As you stick with us, you will find out you are much stronger than you ever knew you were.

Expore this website and look at His Needs/Her Needs, download the questionairre, and fill it out as you think she would. Work on those EN's.

Secondly, while in Plan A, think of yourself like a gardener. You are planting seeds. You may not see them even sprout for a while. But keep on planting them with Plan A. Many WS's have stated that they noticed, but out of fear? stubborness? A justification? and other reasons, simply ignored them for a while. But they did remember them. Don't look for a response or a thank you from any of the efforts you are making. Look for a cumulative response; ie, when you have made large deposits in her LB$, she might just come around.

It takes hard work, and faith. Keep posting for support here.

SD

That's exactly how I feel Believer, she's rewriting the entire marriage. When the counselor asked her she said.... ohhh just everything. Just to many things to many times, and she tried and tried and tried to work on it but now she's tired and done.

She's on the porch right now on the phone laughing and giggling. It's killing me. I love to hear her laugh and giggle, but I'm in so much pain and she can laugh.

I want to laugh. I don't know what to "do" for myself. I can't stop thinking about it. Can't take enjoyment from anything.

All I do is read relationship books, makes me feel like a wimp. But I've devoured 6 of the since she told me. 3 of Harleys. HNHN, SAA, and LB.

okay family man, time to settle down. Have you heard of the 180 list? Here it is.


posted April 18, 2004 11:30 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

--------------------

I know it is very hard for you right now. But you have to believe that there is lots of hope. I posted this list to Luke on the divorce forum. His wife had moved out and would not even talk to him. They are now reconciled and the funny thing is he never left the divorced forum.

You need to do things to raise your self-esteem. Figure something out. Your WW is not going to help you right now.

Believer, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Thanks for the cold slap in to the face. Needed it, truely.

Please feel free to do it again whenever you see me "losing it". I used to consider myself a "manly man", but what a bowl of pudding I've turned into.

1fm,listen to the advice! it's terribly hard at times,trust me i know as do most all hear.

belever is a great source of insperation. she always has helped me.

hang in their,it will be worth it when ww comes out of fog. my ww is still with me and our boys. 5 months after d-day and counting.

good luck. dmb1967

familyman - Of course you have turned into a bowl of pudding. But stick with us, you will be stronger than you ever imagined.

Your wife is addicted and will not be able to help you right now. But we will help you. It is extremely miserable at first, but you will get through this.

Not getting better, WW is out with a vengence. Worst ever now that her birthday has passed. She picks apart everything with cutting sarcastic remarks. I try to make myself clear so there is not a misunderstanding on her part then I shut up. Feel like a punching bag.

Should I tell her I love her? When I do I get ignored or told "I don't want to hear it."
No good deed goes unpunished.

She is following the WW script. She has to be nasty to you. It justifies in her mind her behavior. If she thinks of you as a great husband, the guilt would eat her up.

I would not keep repeating that I love her. Also, I know men don't like anti-depressants, but you might want to try them. They help.

.....

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

What are you doing to protect yourself and children financially? Does she work outside the home? Is she thinking of moving children, or leaving them with you?

Don't know what to do to protect myself. She has had a history of running up huge credit debts without my knowledge. Took years to overcome that.

And NO she does not work. I never pressured her to work. She worked a few P/T jobs but always quit them because they became inconvient. I didn't really care because we agreed our children would be better off raised by us instead of a caregiver.

So what can I do. She told me yesterday that when she went to a Divorce Attny for a consult he quoted her $3000 for a divorce.

Our property is about paid off, (family home, and rental property) Everything we had planned was geared towards being debt free by the kids graduated from highschool. We were right on track, to get them off to college and do some traveling. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I work a 24-hour shift several times a week, but otherwise am free to take care of my kids.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>