It's been 7 months since I found out my husband had an affair. We are still together and he has had no contact with OW for the past 5 months. My husband is so disgusted with himself that he no longer know who he is and feels he is not deserving of anything. He feels so guilty for the hurt he has caused both me and our 3 year old daughter. He is depressed a lot. We've been in counseling which is going OK. I still love him so much but deep inside I am still so hurt by the lies. The good thing is we talk a lot and he is really honest now about everything. The problem is there is no spark b/t us anymore. He wants things to be real and he refuses to do anything that is not in his heart. But the problem is, I am hurting, I am lonely and I don't know how long I can wait. I have been trying but it is to the point where I can't do it anymore. He is only doing what is in his heart and unfortunately for me it is not me. He says he still loves me. We spend all of our time together. We laugh, we have fun, we spend time with our daughter. I don't get it. I don't know how to get that spark back. This site focuses on emotional needs but it is not working.

Well, thanks for listening.

rumyam - Stick with us. You can do this. Are you making some changes in your marriage to make it affair proof? Have you thoroughly got all of the answers of why his A happened?

It takes a long time to work through infidelity. It is not easy like people think.

Dear Rumyam,

Trust can be an important basis for sparks. You mention your concern about your husband's lies during his affiar. There are different types of lies. Since your husband is being honest now, you feel, then perhaps his lies were not sneaky types of lies. Some people are difficult to deal with, as their lies are tricky confabulations of mixing facts with fantasy. I suggest looking at the types of lies that H has used, and understand better how to trust H.

There are ways of creating sparks. Sometimes timing of inimacy time can be important. Is intimacy going well? Have you tried different time settings? Any way to add more to the atmosphere of intimacy or mood at times when H feels receptive? Are there times you are assuming are the right time, and you are not available at his peak times? Do you both have good rub-down skills? Any way you can extend the times when the atmosphere for intimacy is present? Anyway to enhance the atmosphere to be more inviting for intimacy?

The Love in a committed relationship is different from the sparks when a couple first meets. It is also about helping prevent cancer by keeping the prostate gland liquids freshly discharged once a day, or 5 times a week. This is partricularly important for smokers. Does H smoke?

There is a section on Recovery, where others may have some good ideas. Plan A is really to get the wayward spouse to the point of agreeing to work on imporving the marriage. What has H said could improve the marriage? Anything you find difficult? Someone might have ideas for easing your difficulties, if you let us know.

What has your MC suggested you change? What have you agreed to change? Change creates interest. I made it a rule to make a list of what my MC suggested for changes, but did not agree to any changes in session. What changes have you agreed to, but not followed through on?

My wife enjoys giving me the idea that she is untrustworthy, and likes to keep me guessing about what is really going on with her time outside the home. I just try to do my part.

Believer points out that recovering from an affair takes some effort. You don't menniton any changes you have made to improve the quality of your marriage. You mentioned that you were hesitant about H taking a promotion in an earlier post. How would you rate yourself as being supportive of his struggles at work? Do you ever inquire as to how things are going? Once a year like my wife? Have you tried improving your active listening skills? Are you the ideal couselor for H? Any skills you can work on?

What parenting courses have you taken with H? Parenting courses alsways brought my wife and I closer together. Are you planning another child?

PARENTING COURSES


Nurturing Parenting by Stephen J. Bavolk, Ph. D. Nurturing Parenting Courses and Materials
1-800-688-5822

Parenting Books, Courses and Videos

AP, Active Parenting by Michael H. Popkin. Ph. D.
Active Parenting Web Site


Tough Love Parents Manual by Phyllis and David Yourk


Instructors for awareparenting .com Phone: 805-968-1868, California, or E Mail info@awareparenting.com

for Parent Effectiveness Training instructors in your area, Phone, 800-628-1197, or 858-481-8121, or E-Mail to info@gordontraining.com. Gordon Training, Parent Effectiveness Training

This is a Link to parenting instructors: Instructors trained in awareparenting.com
805-968-1868, California, E Mail, info@awareparenting.com


Boundaries With Kids, Raising Great Kids
by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530.

Boundaries, Face to Face (2003) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

cloudtownsend.com
www.drhenrycloud.com
www.newlife.com


ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder

WHAT PARENTS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ODD, by Dr. James D. Sutton, Ed.D. docspeak.com


Internet Search for "Step Parenting"
stepparenting.com
step-parenting.com

Hope you are able to post back.

Blessings

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 08:06 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Thanks for the responses...so many questions....not sure where to start. But here it goes....

In terms of undertstanding my H, his A, his difficulty in his job and personal difficulties, well I finally understand. It took me some time to get over the A so I could listen and understand why he did what he did. And it was so painful because despite the variables that led to the A, he was dishonest with me for 2 years. The biggest change I have made since the A is listening. That was one of the factors that led to the A. After our daughter was born, she had a stroke, my husband changed jobs and that was very difficult for him, I was overwhelmed with my daughter, trying not to put more pressure on him than his job already was, I switched jobs and it got to the point where we'd work, then take care of our daughter and he'd work 70-80 hours a week. I always brushed him off and said if your unhappy with your job leave....I never listened and understood. And as a result, he resorted to the OW as his escape. This is all so hard. My H is not a horrible person. This is totally out of his character. And now he will not forgive himself.

Your question on change is good. But change is hard when you are full of fear inside. Our communication is better than ever. We talk about things we've never talked about before. We are truly getting to know each other again, but both fear to make any changes with respect to jobs, etc...

H does not smoke or drink. Our intimacy is very good..better than it had been since before our daughter.

He says he still thinks about OW. I don't know what that means. He always says he just cares for her and hopes she is doing ok. Her H found out about the A once I found out. Of course, I found out by reading a text message on his phone.

One of the hardest things, is that in life you can usually have people to talk to, stories to reference. This is not a topic to just talk to anyone about. No one knows except our MC. And 1 hour a week does not cut it. I know things are different with everyone, but is all this normal, good or bad. I want to be with my H and I love him so much...but what does all this mean. He says he wants things to work out too.

Everything is just hard. My job right now is so stressful and I am having difficulties. So now I struggle at work and at home. I have no where to escape.

Dear Rumyam,

My wife just ignores me when I ask her what she is thinking. I don't mention to my wife that I saw an excitingly attractive woman on the bus. Your husband could maybe keep it to himself that he still thinks about the OW occasionally. Some truth is hurtful. Relationships are about being considerate first, and truthful as necessary, balanced against the hurtful content of the idea.

I congratualte you that you have not let the information about the affair slip to anyone else. Part of the damage of an affair, is when other people find out about it. You can find other posters with similar problems and post to them. Do word searches to find similarities, and post ideas on their problems, and gain insights on your own difficulties. That is my strategy anyway.

If your husband is discouraged, then try to find ways to encourage him. What has worked? What are you thinking of trying next? How is your daughter doing? What are your objectives in MC? Could your committment to the marriage be bigger than without the adversities?

Blessings

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>