Will a plan A letter work after she' filed for a D?
I'm trying to write a good plan A letter please review the following. I know it's long so tell me what needs to stay/go. Thanks all!
Dearest W:
I write this in full Faith that you read this letter with an open heart. You deserve to be happy. You deserve a relationship where you receive undivided attention, lots of affection, positive responses and honest communication. Conflicts should be bearable, if not solvable. You should love enough not only to feel the love you receive but be willing to give it in return. Your passions, as well as your concerns should be for the person with which you’re paired. He should be the main person with whom you want to share your dreams, feelings and experiences. And you deserve it for life. That’s not really too much to ask.
I know that you've been unhappy with this marriage for a long time and for many reasons. I also know that my behavior has contributed to your unhappiness and the emotional gulf between us. I acknowledge and apologize for my part in the failure of our marriage. I couldn’t see how to meet your needs through my own confusion and depression. However, I have recognized and learned from my mistakes and am taking steps to ensure that they’ll not be repeated. I've worked very hard these past 11 months to overcome my negative, oppressive behavior, not only for you, but for me and our boys. I wanted to be a better partner, a better father, but most importantly a better person. The changes I've made have improved my relationships, especially with Son 1 & Son 2. People can change if they're willing to take a long, hard look in the mirror and hold themselves accountable. I did that and I'm proud of the person I'm becoming.
So what am I saying here? I ask that despite all that has happened between us, you take one last opportunity to recreate our marriage. “What??” “Why? “I’ve made up my mind!” I’m not happy married to you.” I’m not happy being married” "I don’t like who I am when I’m with you” "I want to be my true self” I hear you and understand. You have every right to feel this way, so what else is there to consider?
This year (and all this intensive therapy and counseling and education I’ve been receiving), I’ve learned a few things:
• This relationship, if healed, has the best chance of bring us both the happiness we desire
• Our children would be better off with us together and happy
• Our feelings toward each other can and will improve if we do the right things for us
• Divorce (with children) is stressful at best, catastrophic at worst
• This crisis between us is temporary while your divorce is permanent
• Decisions this big should be based on principles, not feelings
I do not want this divorce, W, nor do I want to fight over the value of our lives together. I’ll not demonize you nor play the “tit for tat game”. The process is adversarial as it is. The emotional, physical, and financial cost to us both (and the boys) is high enough to give me pause. It even began in a spirit of conflict and duress. This started while I was broken, you were longing and we both wanted to end our pain. Along the way we addressed our needs and issues with the wrong people and in the wrong manner. All this did was to guarantee failure. Anger, Emptiness, Neediness, and Fear are not places from which to build a future.
“What about OM?” you ask. For now, you have much of what you want with him. Your heart is aflame. You feel an intimacy, an emotional connection and chemistry that you’ve never felt before. He’s given and made love to you unlike anyone else you feel this inexplicable connection down to your very soul. You hold your breath until you connect with him again. Each “hello” and “I love you” fills you with enough light to move you through your days. He’s what has allowed you to cope with the stress and strain surrounding you now. I understand, more than you could imagine. How dare I ask that you give that up? There are reasons that you would, but I’ve learned the hard way it’s not my place to address his role in your life. Only you can. He seems to be a good, loving, lighthearted man who’s looking for what I’m striving to rebuild, a committed, long-term relationship with you. All I can say is this: There is more than our hearts’ eyes can see.
Listen, I’m no fool. I believe that you, I and our boys deserve the best effort that we can give to make this family a great one. If that doesn’t work, our new relationship will be better than it would if we did not make the effort.
While watching those “Dr. Phil, Relationship Rescue” shows with you, I thought, “we haven’t gone to those lengths” But I also realized we haven’t sunk to those depths either! If those funky couples can find happiness with each other, we sure can! Dr. Phil’s: take on calling it quits:
“You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until you have turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible. That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.”
"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," . "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."
I’ve internalized this excellent advice. By working on Self, I am releasing anger, neediness, manipulation, judgment and guilt from my life. A new perspective has arisen: I prefer to stay in this marriage not because I would die without you, but because I value what we have together. I’m dedicated because I love our children and want them to know that we gave every chance for them to experience unconditional commitment and love. Finally, my principles tell me that it’s the right thing to do--to give my best to a life that that blesses me and so many others. I’m empowered and encouraged, then, to not fight for your love, but to stand for our family. I do it because I committed to do it, because joy awaits, because it’s right. I’m standing because we are worth it and our boys deserve an intact, loving home. The love and even the passion, W, will come. We only need to choose this path.
As much as I want to heal and continue our marriage relationship, you have made it clear that you don't. You must think I’m crazy then, to even ask for reconciliation. Maybe I was, but I’m clear when I say that this effort is the most valuable thing we can give each other. I’m not naive; I know there's been a lot of damage done. We need help to guide us in learning better ways to meet each other's needs and begin to rekindle the spark of emotional intimacy between us. It won't be easy, but it can be done. I've had the good fortune this past year to have been supported and counseled by folks who have built great relationships from crap marriages. They have conquered betrayals, withdrawals, unrealistic expectations, toxic friends and parental legacies. I’ve seen passion rekindled and love reborn. They have taught me that the love, peace and happiness on the other side of crisis is more profound than we could imagine. We can learn from our mistakes, grow from them and with effort and desire we can begin to rebuild the love that was the foundation of our relationship.
Can you embrace this with an open heart? I care enough about you to promise you release if our last, best effort does not succeed. Do you have enough regard for me to allow the same? If you agree, we will set up meetings with folks who will help us really connect. No judging and living in the past. No “H cries & W goes unheard” sessions. Further, I will continue to commit to meeting your needs. I will do my part--100%. I will give you what you ask without reservation or stipulation. I know you don’t trust me, so I must earn it. I will take responsibility for my actions—all of it to whomever needs to hear it you, our family, etc. I will stop any relationship, behavior, or attitude that impedes me from this goal (as long as it doesn’t compromise my integrity). I am doing this, even as you read this. I’d also like to acquaint myself with the real you, the true self you have not been able to reveal and share with me.
Much prayer, work and love have gone into this. I do not speak from feeling, but from faith and example. This comes from the strongest position I can occupy-principle. Although I've suffered tremendous pain from seeing our marriage fall apart, learning about your relationship with OM and dealing with our impending divorce, I never stopped loving you or forgot what a wonderful person you are or the joy you’ve brought our lives. That promise and the principles I have embraced give me the strength and hope to go on. I believe in our relationship and our family. I believe in Love. I believe in change. I believe in you. I hold this Faith so strongly that I will risk my future for it. W, please know that I still see you as a good woman who deserves the best a man can give. My commitment is to give that to you. Can you take this risk? I pray so. Really, what do you have to lose?
with love and in Faith,
H
