OK since it's only a short time now until the divorce will be final, I'm adopting a new attitude:

I'm going to start thinking and acting as if we already are divorced. This will make it much easier for me to stay in Plan B. Plus it will (maybe) get through to my WH what it will be like after the divorce.

I broke Plan B recently because WH had communicated that he was broke up for good with OW and was ready to start working on marriage... Apparently it was just another pretense, it would have been false recovery again. He didn't even want to talk about writing the no contact letter to the OW, accountability, etc. He basically was just expecting me and my daughters to pretend nothing ever happened! He didn't want our forgiveness - just for us to pretend he (and OW) did nothing wrong. He didn't want to rebuild our trust - just demanding our blind trust.

I told him there was barely enough time left for him to regain our trust and respect as it is, that I wouldn't waste any more time on false recoveries. I really feel that it would take ALL the time left between now and the divorce for him to prove himself. I will not allow him to wait until last nanosecond (enjoy three more months of philandering foolishness) and THEN expect me to give him another chance! I told him that he had to either START NOW at turning things around or I would start now at preparing myself and my daughters to get on with our lives without him. The remaining three months until the divorce would not be an extension of the already too long '2nd chance', 'take it one day at a time', he's 'torn' or undecided phase... He's had enough time IMO - times up.

Also, I am in a very strong little red hen mood now. I have been the only one willing to work on the marriage and the only real parent our daughters have had for several years now. I will continue to build a happier, healthier future for myself and my daughters. He will not be allowed to slip back into our lives AFTER I have repaired all that he destroyed!

Don't worry, I still will wait until the divorce to date. I still have my reasons (morals) for waiting. Plus I have three daughters watching me that I want to be a good example for. But my WH won't know anything about what I'm up to so he can just wonder I guess. I'll probably still wear my wedding ring (most days) too... But WH won't be seeing me so he won't know if I'm still wearing it.

I won't communicate or defend myself to his relatives anymore either. IMO that's one of his responsibilities. If he continues to fail to do so then he will lose me - his loss. If they choose to persist in believing his lies and put downs of me, blaming me for everything (or at least pretending to believe and support him to his face - not confronting him because they 'don't want to get involved') then so be it. None of his relatives have been of any support to me and my daughters through all of this. My daughters and I never managed to break into their clique during the best of times so it's not exactly a great loss to us; they're really just treating us the way they always have. We're just glad they don't live nearby and too selfish to spend THEIR money and time to visit us. My daughters have made comments that not having to ever visit them anymore will be one of the good things about the divorce!

Anyway, he is not getting me back unless HE confesses to his family and friends how he lied, that he was having an(other) affair, and how HE hurt his daughters so much that THEY decided not to have anything more to do with him. And he will have to admit to others that he wants me back - not pretend that I somehow forced him to break up with the OW and come home (lie he told when he came home for one week at Christmas). He will never do that because he cares more about what other people think than about his wife and daughters.

As each day passes with him making no changes, taking no responsibility to save our marriage and reunite our family, more bridges will be burned. Each day that goes by will find me less willing to consider reconciliation, less willing to work on rebuilding vs starting anew with a better man. I will do nothing now to stop the destruction he is so intent on continuing. Instead I will busy myself preparing for a future without him. If HE doesn't save our marriage, it will not be saved. And that's more than OK with me. Most days now I can't wait until September and wonder why I even wanted my WH back.

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 09:01 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

meremortal - I'm in the same position as you. My WH is still with OW, still says he wants to be married to me, still lying to his relatives about it.

Like you, I have been changing and moving on with my life. I don't think about him much, and am enjoying myself.

His relatives have completely ignored me. So even if we did get back together, my relationship with them would never be the same. It just seems like it is too much to overcome. I know how you feel.

Hi Believer,

At the moment my WH's relatives are completely ignoring me... They only contacted me when HE wanted to come home... to chastise me for not 'trusting' him (blindly). They feel it's unreasonable for me to expect him to take any responsibility for anything, to make any changes, to provide any accountability, etc. They even thought I was being 'manipulative' when I said he had to go to anger management counseling before I would drop the restraining order and let him come to my home. (Apparently "He SAID he was sorry - what MORE do you want!" is adequate when you head-butt somebody and threaten to kill them...) Oh and so what if he's a serial adulterer and had an online porn addiction... "you just have to TRUST him"... My hypocritical MIL believed WH's lie that I won't even let him talk to his daughters... but nobody is allowed to even mention the FACT that SHE divorced the father of her children, moved away with OM, and never allowed her children to have a relationship with their father or any of his relatives. Also, MIL expected me to put up with WH's adultery, porn, and abuse with pretended concern of what divorce would do to my kids... BUT when WH revealed he wanted divorce and OW more than his wife and kids, MIL then said depression and problems the kids are suffering was just to try to make their father feel guilty and to force him to give up his happiness with OW!

What a B***h

<small>[ June 26, 2004, 07:47 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>