Hello, I am another lost soul who has just recently come across this site. I find it to have very good, wise, and useful information. I am hoping to use some of this information to help keep my marriage together.

My story: One month ago I suspected my wife of seven years (happy years I thought) to be having an affair and confronted her. Yes, it was true; she had been seeing someone for about a month. After a couple days we started talking and she said she did not know what she wanted to do (try to work it out or leave me and continue with him). She also said that she had been thinking of leaving me for quite a while before the affair. She was bored in our relationship and needed more excitement and attention in her life.

Since that time, I guess I have been sort of Plan A-ing it, but not doing a real good job. I try to understand why she wanted to leave and express that I want to work on these things, but it isn’t going anywhere. I guess she is either in withdrawal and not yet ready to respond to my efforts or maybe she really hasn’t ended the affair, plus I have not always been entirely pleasant to be around since I found out (no displays of anger, but not always pleasant). For the past couple weeks, she has been staying with a girlfriend overnights (so she says, I have not been able to verify it yet) and seeing the kids during the days while I am at work. On a positive note, she has recently said that she is willing to try and work it out with me and get some counseling, but that she really feels we need to separate in order to do it. She feels a need to “be independent for a while” and live her own life. I have offered to give her space and privacy when we are at home together, but she says that isn’t what she wants and thinks that nothing will actually change if she doesn’t leave soon.

She has one child (11) from a previous marriage and we have a 6 year old together. So I wonder why the need to separate in order to work it out. Seems like it would be rough on the kids and more hassle than it is worth to separate if there is the possibility that she really wants to work it out and we get back together. Am I missing something? Is she (or I) not being rational, or do you think she really hasn’t ended the affair and wants to continue that while “trying” to work it out? Am I being paranoid here? Am I trying to fix things too soon?

I really want to try and work it out, and have been trying extra hard to be more positive and pleasant to be around. I guess I just don’t understand this “need” if she really wants to work it out.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Oh dear. Welcome to marriagebuilders.

As you read more here, you will see that they all say and do the same things. When they feel the need to separate, that means they feel the need to continue the affair, without you interferring.

She will not be able to work on the marriage until there is no contact with OM. Is he married? If so, you need to notify his wife.

Stay in Plan A and be sure to read Ark's post on it up in general questions. In fact you might want to post there for now. You will get more responses.

Dear 93,

Believer seems to have hit the nail on the head, so to speak. Sounds like a challenge.

Wish I had a magic phrase for you.

Have you read the Love Diet?


MB Thread on The Love Diet

The Love Diet Chapter of WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT THEM
Poor Couple Communication caused by Controlling Acts


This was an on-linge counseling service with Penny and Tupy mentioned as helpful counselors.

saveyourmarriagecentral.com


Have you taken parenting courses? My wife and I always got cleoser when we took parenting courses. Your 11 year old step-child may be doing a splitting job. Just the age of real power for splitting.

PARENTING COURSES


Nurturing Parenting by Stephen J. Bavolk, Ph. D. Nurturing Parenting Courses and Materials
1-800-688-5822

Parenting Books, Courses and Videos

AP, Active Parenting by Michael H. Popkin. Ph. D.
Active Parenting Web Site


Tough Love Parents Manual by Phyllis and David Yourk


Instructors for awareparenting .com Phone: 805-968-1868, California, or E Mail info@awareparenting.com

for Parent Effectiveness Training instructors in your area, Phone, 800-628-1197, or 858-481-8121, or E-Mail to info@gordontraining.com. Gordon Training, Parent Effectiveness Training

This is a Link to parenting instructors: Instructors trained in awareparenting.com
805-968-1868, California, E Mail, info@awareparenting.com


Boundaries With Kids, Raising Great Kids
by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530.

Boundaries, Face to Face (2003) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

cloudtownsend.com
www.drhenrycloud.com
www.newlife.com


ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder

WHAT PARENTS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ODD, by Dr. James D. Sutton, Ed.D. docspeak.com


Internet Search for "Step Parenting"

stepparenting.com

step-parenting.com

<small>[ July 08, 2004, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

lost,

Your story sound close to mine. WW had affair, now is preg. not sure if she wants to work on it or not, thinks she should be apart from me to figure it out.

I do not understand why people think they can figure out what to do about a relationship unless they are in it.

Read the plan A post earlier mentioned, its good. Also, I am struggling with plan A -- - why do I have to do A darn thing??? I still am struggling with why, BUT the plan makes sense. My understanding of it in a nut shell:

plan A: Be the best husband you can be while still being true to yourself. Don't just give in, but really try to be better at being married. Show her how good it can be. But only for a little while. They say 6 months, I am on month 1.25 and I think I need some meds for my depression.

plan B: Leave. And wait. And wait. This will only work if plan A is done VERY well. Show her how good of a man you are and if she doesn't see it, after you leave she will miss you. Or she will not. The second may hurt more, but then you will know that it was not to be. If you are your best and she doesn't want it, what else can you do?

The other things I am doing include:
Reading a book called 'what happy people know' It makes a lot of sense.
Believing that hurting people is not good, even if it feels good. I do not believe the ends justify the means, so even though every fiber of my soul is screaming "LEAVE NOW, GET OUT AND SAVE YOURSELF" I know that would hurt her and most likely leave me in alot of pain too, sooooo I am trying not to do that.

I am dying inside, my WW still works with OM, he goes to the doc visits w/her, gives her money.... But I still think I love her and want her. My story is on the preg and just found out board. I got some good advice already, read the replies I got, some apply to you.


Good luck and keep us posted.

What they say: I don't know what I want to do.
What they mean: The OP doesn't know what he/she wants to do. I don't want to burn my bridges until the OP offers me something permanent.
What they say: I'd been thinking about leaving you for quite some time before I had the affair.
What they mean: I wasn't really working on our marriage or committed to it, and I didn't have the strength of character to tell you before I began my affair.
What they say: I was bored and needed more excitement and attention.
What they mean: If I don't have drama, novelty and the spotlight, I won't be faithful.
What they say: I'm willing to get counseling and work on the marriage, but I need to separate to do it.
What they mean: I'm going to string you along with false hopes while I make myself available to indulge in my affair with the OP. I'm going to lead a double life until I can hook the OP. And you're going to subsidize that double life.

You are rational. The only way to work on a relationship is to be in the relationship. My guess: she hasn't ended the affair and wants to be available whenever the OP wants her.

Oh, and the "staying with a girlfriend thing"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> on that.