So you don't have to run to other threads, here's a quick run-down of my situation. This thread probably gives a little more truth (sometimes embarrassment can keep us from telling the whole truth!) and while a summary, might give more relavant details.

Basics: Husband is 27, I'm 33. We met when he was 19 and I was 25. We met over the internet but our relationship was developed face-to-face. I will admit that the internet (through e-mail and IM's) bolstered the developement. I was married once before and have a son from that marriage, he's now 16. Current husband was in college when we met. We married a few days after his graduation.
Details of relationship: We had some problems during the first year of our marriage due to his internet activities. He did not form any EA there, but I felt that he crossed the line of innocent fun and flirting. I felt that an EA did not form mostly from lack of opportunity. In a nutshell, we did not take the possibility of the internet causing problems seriously and we should have. 2nd year of marriage better. Mid-way through we move to another state (he's in military). Marriage seems to be ok except for one problem. I would say 'content' describes it well. I lost all sexual desire (not just with him..but I just lost it). I missed the sex, but did not want it. We very very rarely had sex...maybe once every couple of months. We move to another state (well, puerto rico) after a year and a half. He had to go to a school back in the states almost immediately. He comes back. He kisses me differently. It comes out that he had a EA/PA for most of the time he was gone, with someone we were friends with (not great friends, but someone I knew). Affair ended before he came home (and this person lives in the NW US). He confesses that he has been unhappy for a very long time. We discuss our future. We decide to give things a year to see if we can work on things. He goes to another school, no affair. He returns and says that things really have not worked out. He feels that we've given it enough time and he loves me but things we need to go our separate ways. I ask him if he really does love me. He says that he does, but that he also wonders if there's something better out there for him (ouch!). I ask him if he's ever consisdered a separation. he didn't really know the concept but I explained and he agreed to a one year separation. At the end of that year (june 2005), if he still isn't SURE about things, then we will divorce. I move back to the States for this separation.

Some details of what bothers me about him:
-He does not get along well with my son (my son has ADHD and can be difficult to get along with). While I can see where they would not get along, I think he lacks patience.
-He can be hypercritical of people. He's not been this way towards me (openly), but I can see the trait in him
-He does not like to hurt my feelings (or does not know how to deal with my pain) so he never told me what wrong. The first time he told me how unhappy he was, I was in shock! I feel like he waited to tell me until it was almost too late and that I now have to overcome not just my bad habits, but also a lot of resentment.
-His affair, of course.

Some details of what bothers him about me: (from my perspective and from what he's told me)
-He has said that he had doubts when he first married me but that he wasn't willing to give me up so did not call off the wedding. (I do not know if this is hindsight on his part or if he knew he felt this at the time).
-I have changed a lot from when we first met. When we met I was going to college and had a lot of plans. I was fairly independent and had a lot of friends and activities that I did. When we married I made him my world. He did not ask me to and I don't think he wanted it. He felt burdened with the responsibility of my happiness.
-With our moves, I've never been able to find a school with the degree program I needed. I also have not been able to get a regular job. This has made me depressive and needy and unhappy. I let these feelings take over and felt that he should just understand (I now know that was wrong).
-He thinks I expect him to fix everything. I don't expect that, but I think I have relied on him too much for my happiness.
-I do not take very good care of my family: housework, regular dinners, disciplining my son.
-I am a procratinator.
-I stopped caring about the way I looked on a regular basis. My weight is fine, but I don't eat well, don't sleep well. If I had no plans, I would not change out of my PJ's during the day.

Okay...so we're separated now and living very far apart. At the time I thought that was a good idea. Wish I had seen this site before we made this decision because now it is impossible for him to come here or me to go back there. Even if it were possible, he would not agree to it. We have an actual written separation agreement. Some of the terms include whether we will date other people (we will), how often we'll talk on the phone, how often we'll actually discuss our problems and how often we'll see each other. Again, after reading this site I think that dating others is not a good idea, but I do not feel like I can change that term in our contract. He wanted a divorce. I convinced him that a separation was more suitable for us right now as long as it had a time limit. Some of the tools I used to help show him this was the right choice was dating others and moving away and the time-limit. Also used...that we love each other very much and while love is not enough, it's certainly enough to try and improve things and see if we can make a go of it. He agreed. Part of me feels like I talked him into the separation..but the other part says that he let me talk him into it and so there *is* hope. And another part says that the love part is true and so there is more hope. We've also talked about our chances of being successful. After reading this site I feel more hopeful. Initially though if I had to give a number, I would have said our chances were 60% in favor. He feels that our chance is 25% in favor. Okay, that's not good..but if there were a 25% sale on bathing suits, you can bet your butt I'd be there! One thing that gives me encouragement is that we get along very well and seem to communicate well when we actually do communicate (he holds stuff in a lot). We are both very respectful of each other when we talk and consider the other person's view even if we don't agree. This separation, while very hurtful and disappointing, has also been amicable if that makes sense.

Some other things that might be relavent. Since he's not sure that he WANTS to work things out (though he's willing to try), I asked him to complete some questions. These questions are from a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. The book is designed to help people who partly want to leave a relationship, but partly want to stay. All of his answers indicate that he would probably be happier staying in the relationship. Well, that's great but everyone knows it's not that easy. We translated it to say that it would be worth his effort to work on this relationship. While I truly believe his affair with that girl is over, I also feel he kind of left the door open. I believe that the continued communication via email, but the emails I saw (without his knowledge) indicated that it was a friendship. I do have a feeling that he may have reinitiated contact since I have left to see if that door is still open to him as a romantic relationship. To me this is the continuation of an affair and not the same as a new relationship he might establish while we're separated (though I've since come to believe that both situations could be harmful to us). He will not admit to this and I have no way of proving/disproving, nor would he be willing to give me this proof. All I know is that I have a feeling and when I've ignored feelings in the past, it has blown up in my face. I also acknowledge my own paranoia and insecurity though. I have firm plans in place to change some of my own behavoirs and have already put some into action. I will be a happier person because of this whether we stay together or divorce.

If you've stuck with me so far, THANK YOU!!! I could really use the input and I'm always afraid of being either too confident or too insecure so it's good to hear other people's input.

Here's the way I see it. He is willing to work on the problems in our marriage. We've agreed not to talk about our issues for two weeks and then we'll fill out the EN forms. He'll be coming for a visit shortly after that. Anyway, he's willing, but he's not sure he WANTS things to work out between us (he's not sure I'm the right person for him and he's not sure he wants to be married in the first place.). So I'm in a situation of someone who's willing, but maybe reluctant. I'm afraid of pushing too hard here but also afraid of not looking out for my own best interests.

Here's where I wonder if Plan A/Plan B will work for us.

-The possibiity of the continuation of his previous affair: I *will* put Plan A/Plan B into effect for this if I learn there is a continuation. But I have no way of knowing if he doesn't admit to it or if he refutes it, if he's lying or not. I don't know *why* he'd lie at this point, but I think he's afraid of losing me before he knows whether or not he *wants* to lose me. What can I do about this?
-For dating others. After reading this site, I'm fairly certain that dating others is not a good idea. He feels that he needs to in order to see if there is someone more compatible with him, if someone else can fill his needs better than I can. At first I thought that was a good idea, until I read this site. Now I see that if I'm able to fill his needs then I can be that compatible person. But the problem here is that not only do I need to take care of a negative balance, but I also have to make a positive one. A new relationship only has to worry about making the positive balance and does not have a history of "love busters". I have the advantage of good memories but the disadvantage of bad ones. I am also at a disadvantage because we are living far apart and I will have less opportunities to fill his love bank. As I introduce him to this site I hope that he will come to see these things. For now though I have explained to him my views about why I do not think dating others is a good idea. But I am also not YET willing say that he may not date others. Problem point--he has said that he does not wish to discuss our dating situation (does not want to tell me when he's dating someone). I told him that I feel comfortable not knowing the DETAILS of his dating activities, but that I would like to know if he goes out with someone more than once. We are currently negotiating this point.

Here's how I would like to implement.
-for the affair, Plan A/Plan B as described on this site. not sure how to do this, though, if I don't know the truth (will introduce the concepts of honesty to him though)
-for dating--Give my reluctant blessings to dating for a few months with the known wish that I would like to renegotiate that term. This is Plan A. Renegotiate terms at the appropriate time..if he refuses, then Plan B. This will probably lead up to the planned end of our separation and will naturally lead to an outcome.

I understand that we're in a difficult situation to begin with. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this? If you need more details, i'd be happy to oblige.

Dear maddyk,

I have not read your other posts. A number of ideas come to mind, but a nice logical order of which to present first to last, does not present itself to me in outline form. So here are some ideas you have generated for me.

You mentioned that your 16 Year Old son has ADHD, and that H has trouble gertting along with your son. Have you looked at ADHD sites? chadd.org? Have you looked at Step Parenting web sites? Have you and H taken any parenting classes togeteher? Have you ever attended any Chadd suport groups? ADHD kids are slower to matrure into the work and college world. Do you have plans for extended adolescence? What do you know about ODD? If your son has difficulty getting along with H, then he may well be ODD, as well. The complaints you discuss about H, how H treats your son, indicates H has not listened to What parents should know about Oppositional Defiant Disorder by Dr. James Sutton
Dr. James Sutton, Oppositional Defiant Disorder

You mention that you have lost interest in marital relations, but you want to remain married. You mention a number of contradictory ideas that your husband has expressed. However, I see inconsistencies in your statements of your desires. You have not mentioned the concept of Standing. Standing is where you say you will do everything honorable to honor the marriage.

I suggest you first decide if you want to be Standing or not. You can search MB for Standing and find many references where Standing is discussed. If you want to start Standing, then you should make an attempt to re-negotiate the separation agreement. You speak of the 1 year separation agreement as if it is irreversible. Has a lawyer told you the separation agreement canot be modified? Do you have grounds to recant that Separation agreement? To nullify it?

You mention that you feel that H has submitted to temptation, but you do not mention your attempts to increase satiation to reduce temptation. You do not mention various considerate options that military couples work out to handle lonely feelings during separataion.

One of the cycles is W lets down working on the marriage, H starts to stray, W loses interest in Standing, H strays furhter. Are yo willing to start standing now?

Your separtion now is your idea, and not a result of military duty. It seems to me that Plan A would be appropriate, if you are truly intersted in being married to a militaty man. You have not mentioned much about how you plan to meet the special challenges of a military marriage.

What are your standards of tolarance of EA's? What are the limits of your feelings of jealousy?

You say H will not agree to re-uniting. What enticements have you offered? What more can you offer? What more are you willing to offer? How can you demonstrate your resolve?

You say that you procrastinate and find housework unintersting. These are qualities of Adult ADHD. There are all kinds of new meds. Have you ever tried Straterra? Have you ever asked a doctor for a trial perscription? Have you ever gone to an Adult ADHD support group? Have you ever sought Individual Counseling for your ADHD charactersitecs? My son is ADHD/ODD. My wife is somewhat ADHD/ODD, but she is in denial of any of her ADHD/ODD charactersitcs, and refuses to go to counseling or support groups. I personally have some ADHD/ODD charactersitcs, and I particpate in verious self-improvemnt strategies. What is your plan for handling your own ADHD characteristics? ADHD is largely inhereited. What other ADHD characteristics do you posess? What are you doing to meet the challenge?

It seems to me that you should be in Plan A, if you are intersted in being married to H? Usually, you should try to do a good Plan A, for several months, and if you feel that H is dragging his feet or stringing you along, then you may want to do a Plan B. But the idea is to do a Top Notch Plan A, before switching to Plan B, so that H will have a vivid recent memory of what you have to offer. Trying to do a Plan B without having done a good Plan A, reduces the likelihood of Plan B resulting in getting back together.

If I have touched on any sensitivies for you, let me know so I can be more considerate.

Blessings

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Whaler, yes, the ADHD definitely has an effect on things and it's partly our fault that things got out of hand. You see I was always very again medications. When school became too much, he was put on Ritalin and it was like night/day..I couldn't believe that I had been so stubborn about the meds. But when he went to a school that was not so demanding, I took him off the meds. I can't believe that I never associated his behavoir with not being on the meds..but I didn't. I've come to realize that had a big effect and he has an appt to consult with the doctor about this.
I've since read up a lot on the ADHD..from what I've read, I do not believe he has any of the conditions that are sometimes associated (like the ODD). We've not been to support groups, but we have read on the subject.
I have to say here that I am probably not the best mom for an ADHD child. I'm not knocking myself, but I don't want to falsely portray myself as the perfect parent. I was very young when I had my son and gave up a lot for him. I've done the best I can, but I know where my mistakes lie. I think one of the problems in all of this has been that I just kind of expected my husband to take over as "Dad". It was an unrealistic expectation but I never really did anything to change it. That's something that I'm working on now..both my relationship with my son and my parenting skills.
I read a little bit about blended families on this site and saw where sometimes you just have to live apart until the children are out of the house. I think this is kind of where we are during the separation.
Even if we decide to stay married, we will not be able to live together straight off. We both know it's possible that my son will still be with me at that time and so we know we need to work on our skills in that area. I think it's unlikely my son will be with me past high school, but I know the possibiity is there (he's determined to go into the military either as enlisted or go to a military academy to be an officer. He's has already taken active steps to ensure that this will happen).

Dear Maddyk,

I may have added more to my previous post, since yo last read it, as I was still revising, after you had already answered. I raised some issues you may wish to consider responding.

My ADHD/ODD son is 26 years old and still living at home, going to college. What is imortant is that you and H have a common approach. I ask my wife about her goals for our son, building responsibility, etc. It is probably important for yo to ask questions and get ideas from H as to how to handle things for your son. Keep H in the loop. Keep H with as much control and input as you can muster.

Blessings

Whaler, yes, I did miss your add-ons until just now..lol..I was just thinking..hm..I don't remember seeing that!

To answer some of your points:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You mention that you have lost interest in marital relations, but you want to remain married. You mention a number of contradictory ideas that your husband has expressed. However, I see inconsistencies in your statements of your desires. You have not mentioned the concept of Standing. Standing is where you say you will do everything honorable to honor the marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, I don't mean to make a 'duh' moment, but by marital relations do you just mean the day to day experience of being married? (if you mean sex, then the sex improved dramatically once I learned of the affair..and the desire for it wasn't faked. It was the one way in which I really woke up). If you mean day to day. I have not lost interest in maintaining our marriage. I want to save it! I am not sure that I can say the same thing of him right now. I thought I read through the site fairly throughougly but I do not remember seeing the concept of Standing. I'll read up on that but from how you describe it here, yes, I am willing to do everything that I can to honor our marriage. I am not sure at this time if my husband is willing to do the same thing.

Our separation agreement is not a legal document, it is something that we have worked out between us. I'll have to read about Standing before I can fully comment on this aspect of our marriage right now. All I can really say about it right now was that my husband originally asked for a divorce and I convinced him that a separation would be more suitable for us right now. I do not think he would be willing to renegotiate it at this point in time. It is possible that it could happen before our agreement is up. However there are logistics involved here. I have a lease on an apartment and he's in Puerto Rico right now. I would not say it is IMpossible for me to move back there, but I feel it would be too disruptive for my son, would be difficult for us to finance, etc. Of course it *is* impossible for him to move up to where I am. That is our separation in a physical sense. Could we renegotiate to mean that we are simply living apart but fully married? I do hope that it can be accomplished before our given year. I am not sure my husband will be willing. I hope I'm not getting too confusing (or too confused)!

As to the affair. Sexually I feel like I succeeded in making that a non-factor. I feel that if he were to have another affair or renew the one he had before, that it would not be for sexual reasons. But I did not make a full, whole-hearted attempt to work on other issues. I can admit fault here, could kick myself for it. Despite our failing marriage I did not understand the magnitude or realize the full consequences. How could I have been so blind? I dunno. Am I doing these things now? Yes..or I have a plan to. Some things have already been put into action, some things necessarily have to be put on hold for a few months.

Re: military separation. We are lucky that his particular job does not require a lot of separation. It does happen, though (such as his school). My own lonliness during our separations have occured primarily because of my independence on him--as my best friend. This is something I am currently and actively working on (one of my plans that is already in action). He has not ever expressed feelign of lonliness during our separations except for the "i miss you's". Is it possible that I just don't know he has them? Yes, that's fully possible. I have not received any indication of that though and it's something I will bring up when we discuss emotional needs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of the cycles is W lets down working on the marriage, H starts to stray, W loses interest in Standing, H strays furhter. Are yo willing to start standing now?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I woke up and smelled the coffee. I do not mean to sound flippant..this is true. His asking for a divorce poured some ice-water on my brain. I am very sorry that it took that..I am very sorry that I brought him to that painful decision. Probably as sorry as he is that he felt he had to make that decision.

I feel that we are up to the challenge of a military marriage. Please understand that I'm not downplaying the issues, because any time I see someone talking about getting married to a military person, I do ask them if they truly know what is involved. I know that I enjoy the moving around and have always looked forward to the next place we go. When we've been in a place I didn't like, I was able to understand that we'd only be there for 2-3 years. So far in the military aspect of our lives we've fared well.

Re: tolerance of EA's
-I am not tolerant of them at all. At this time during our separation I am forcing myself to be, but it is not something I would allow if we decide to remain married. I believe an EA far surpasses a PA in the amount of damage it causes. Of course an EA/PA is worse.
-Hmm..my jealousies? I'm not sure that's a good way to describe anything. I did wonder what the OW gave to my husband that I wasn't giving him (I have a better idea of that now, but did not at the time). But I don't believe I could say that I was ever jealous of her, before or after the affair. I don't believe I'm a jealous person by nature, and may in fact be a bit naive and not jealous enough. I blamed the affair on my own shortcomings and on my husband's inconsideration of me (which is kind of a laugh because it was my own inconsiderations that partly enabled it to happen in the first place) and that he allowed someone to help him with his problems that I knew nothing about--which led towards feelings of..I would say 'crush' on her. In short and in the words of this site, he allowed her to fill his emotional needs, ones that I knew nothing about. I find both of us at fault for that--me not knowing and him not telling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You say H will not agree to re-uniting. What enticements have you offered? What more can you offer? What more are you willing to offer? How can you demonstrate your resolve?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, at this moment I would say that he would not agree to fully re-uniting. I have offered the promise to change some of my habits that I know are bad, these are backed up by a plan. I have offered to get outside help for my emotional issues and have gotten the insurance OK for it along with a list of doctors I can see. I have offered to stop emotional outbursts which is something I think I need help with (therapist) but something I've already started to practice. Most importantly I have offered to stop the lip-service and actually make the changes. What more can I offer? I don't know. We'll be completing the EN forms and working from there. I've started the changes for things I KNOW I need to change. I am willing to try an fill any EN's that I don't know about. How can I demonstrate my resolve? That's a very very good question because I'm not really sure. I don't think he will relent until he sees actual changes (I don't mean 100% better, but at least the start). I have a plan, I have the tools to implement the plan and I've already gotten the gears moving in the areas in which I can right at this moment. Finally..I'm here. I REALLY want to make changes and have come to realize that I can't necessarily do it by myself.

re: adult ADHD
-you bring up some good points. the possibility of my own adhd has occurred to me, though I dno't know if I actually have it. I am afraid of making too many excuses for myself, because it's something I'm VERY good at and has gotten me into a lot of trouble. I can see qualities in me that might indicate adult adhd. I would have to think on getting help for it. It's not that I'm unwilling..I just don't want to make excuses for myself. It's something I would have to think on.

I am most definitely interested in saving my marriage. The separation is not something I wanted, but plans and plans for changes were not good enough for him. He wanted a divorce. The offer of the separation we currently have is the only thing that staved off a divorce. He's willing to work on things, but he's reluctant.

You did not offend my sensibilites <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I want other people's REAL input or I wouldn't be here!

Dear Maddyk,

Here is my suggestion for a STANDING letter to H:

Dear H,

I have been thinking about our separation agreement. Thank you again for holding off on a divorce in exchange for our current separation agreement.

I wish to propose two types of changes to our separation agreement. One type is one which I need to get your permission to change, and presumably I will need to agree to some further concessions to you.

The other type, is a unilateral decison, of some things I want to give to you, without anything in return from you. The main thing I want to give to you unilaterally, is your having given me permission to date. I have decided that I would rather Stand by our marriage. I believe that God and moral people, will be more pleased with me, if I decline your offer to date. Therefor, for the forseeable future, I intend to Stand by our marriage, by not dating.

I ask you to consider making me a similar promise, but I need to offer you more in return. Please consider what I can offer you for this change.

I realize that I have a jealous side to my love for you. I want to posess you exclusively. Please let me know how I can work on this dream.

Your feelings, opinions and support are imortant to my son, as he enters manhood. Please share your ideas for our guidance.

Maddyk

Dear Maddyk,

ADHD is defined as something like having 7 of 12 qualities or characteristics. Left Brain people do not have ADHD characteristics. Half the people are Right Brained and have some of the ADHD characteristics. The ADHD Criterea number of 7 our of 12, are aimed at describing the most extreme 5% of people who are creative, right brained. Whether you have 4 or 3 or 8 of the ADHD characteristics, is a matter of expert opinion. But if one of the ADHD characteristics that you have is creating a challenge for you, then you might want to work on that characteristic. Counseling, Medication, Self-discipline are common approaches.

Whether you are technically ADHD or not is not really too important, from my perspective. By knowing which of H's emotional needs you wish to focus on, and which of your personal characteristics are presenting obstacles, you can select which remedy you may wish to try first.

One view of your situation is that H is interested in Divorce and you are trying to save your marriage. This is a common situation where one partner is more interested in saving the marriage, than the other partner. Since you are more interested in saving the marriage, the question arises, what more can you do?

Here are some references about what can be done to help your spouse change his mind.

MARRIAGE HELP BOOKS

'How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything, yes anything' by Albert Ellis, he talks about people who 'awfulize' things.

Books on doing divorce with minimal negative impact on the family:

Divorce Casualties; Preventing Parental Alienation by Douglas Darnell.

Mom's House, Dad's House, by Isolina Ricci.

Catholics Views on Marriage: Catholic Views on Marriage

Website: divorcebusting.com Divorce Busting.com


MB Thread on 180 Degree Divorce Busters


Stop Divorce Website
Stop Divorce website


I particularly like 180 Degree Divorce Busters. H may want a divorce because he feels you will not change sufficiently to meet his Emotional Needs. By asking, "What would you like me to do differently?" in a meaningful way, you can start to make the changes that are important to H. At first, you may get the response, "Oh nothing, I am not asking you to change anything." But once you demonstrate that you can change some things, H may be willing to let you know what he would like changed, and have more confidence in you as a considerate partner.


Blessings

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 07:20 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Whaler, just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking on your post (lol..though I just saw your last post was edited as well) and not ignoring what you wrote.

I am beginning counseling on Saturday. My counselor is a psychologist and I'll bring up the possibility of the adult ADHD. Ask her which ways are best (for me) to cope perhaps.

I will be looking at the links you provided. At this stage of the game I am hungry..no STARVING for information. Admittedly, I'm a tad obsessed about things right now and it's one of the things I hope the psychologist will help me with.

In a nutshell, I'm willing to do anything he asks me to do (I'll add "within reason" to that..just to indicate that I wouldn't do anything overtly harmful to my mental health or that or my son's). I'm also willing to do things on my own that will help me and will naturally lead to a better relationship.

This is all really new and the changes and steps I'm taking are very new. My husband does know about some of them, doesn't know about others. But actions speak louder than words and right now I am trying to show that I am a woman of action!! I have not done so in the past..I've given lip-service. I understand that will be a hard thing for him to see is over with. I'm willing and able to do what I'm doing now...and I'm willing to do so much more!

Dear Maddyk,

You sound very postitive. If you ask your spouse, "What would you like me to change?" and you are actually willing to work on some things, then that seems like the ideal spouse to me.

My wife is in denial about anything she could cange, and has rotating lists of things I should change.

I often keep adding things to a post until you reply, then I don't make any chages, except for typographical errors.

Blessings

Oh, Whaler..believe me, I am SO willing to make changes. I have fears that I will not be able to make them but I'm trying very hard. I also understand his reservations at trusting me on my word.

If you're around and get a chance, have a look at my thread in the Divorcing forum? I'm getting all flippy floppy with emotions lately and do not trust myself to do or say the right things. Post basically outlines a "plan a" phone call..but..lol..has a title along the lines of..desperate..

Maddy....I just want to give you an excellent website that I saw recommended on marriage builders and has really helped me with getting myself and my home in order. Its www.flylady.com . There is also a book related to this site called "Sink Reflections". This will really help you with the practical side of getting yourself back together.

Hope this is of some help, specially as your husband is to visit soon.

Good luck!