My husband asked me for a divorce two months ago, after 8 years of marriage and 10 together. He said the marriage was over,thathe needed his freedom. He swore that there wasn't anyone else. He said he stilled loved me, but needed to "find" himself.

Since that time, we have argued, talked, sought counseling etc. We started having sex again, feeling the love we still have for each other. All this time, we lived in separate houses. I thought we were getting back on track. The last Saturday I discovered that he had been having an affair with a mutual friend for months... I followed him and caught them together and confronted him with all of this.

He confessed everything to me. This past week, he's stayed with me and we've talked, had sex and gotten closer than we ever were. Today, he's gone to see the OW and I'm sitting here waiting to hear what his decision will be. I'm so hurt, confused, uncertain and scared. I love him deeply and never thought he would ever do something like this to me. I now know the reasons for the affair, and know that I had my part in it too.

What do I do now???? I'm seeing a counselor and he's going to see one in a week. The counselor says it's a mid-life crisis--but for me it's a LIFE CRISIS.

I've tried using the advice on this site, which is different from what the mid-life site advises. What is my best plan of action???

Riitta, 48

Riitta-

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. Here we advise folks to start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

You will be completely miserable at first, but I promise you things will get better. My husband is going through a MLC and affair also. In fact he has been living with the OW for a year.

I don't know what the advise is for a MLC, but Plan A seems to work well for people here.

Is the OW married?

You might want to post on the general questions forum, since weekends are very slow.

Dear Riitta,

You mention that you feel you know the ways in which you contributed to the temptation for your Husband to have an affair. Do you feel the affair is entirely your fault?

If you were not doing everything you could to create satiation in the marriage, to provide the best defenese against H having an affair, what do you plan to change now? Which specific Emotional Needs were neglected? Where was effort mistakenly placed?

What could H change, to provide more inspiration for you to do more for him? Have you read the LOVE DIET chapter of What Women Want Men to Know? Has your Husband been following those suggestions in the past? How can H imporve? Has H read the LOVE DIET? Some MB posters report substantial improvements in their relationship after H reads the LOVE DIET.

MB Thread on The Love Diet

The Love Diet Chapter of WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW by Barbara DeAngelis


Have you tried to assit H to understand how to imporve his foreplay skills? How is his back massage? Does he have the $31.00 Trigger Wheel for deep relaxation?
Rollers for self muscle stretching and easy massage of muscles of the other person.

Muscle Toning and Stretching Aids, and 2 Inch Massage Wheel


What are your goals for marriage counseling? What are H's goals for Marriage Counseling? What are your stratgegies for getting the most out of MC?

Personlly, I never criticized my wife directly in session. I would let the MC have my anger if he provoked it. I would make my position, and my requests for fulfillment, clear to the MC.

I brought paper and pen, and any suggestion MC made, I would write it down. My rule was to never agree to any changes in session.

Have you looked at the 180 Degree Divorce Busting List? MB Thread on 180 Degree Divorce Busters

What is the website address for Mid-Life Crisis? Did they recommend just make no changes, and ride it out? What were there suggestions?

Welcome to MB. You may not wish to answer each question right away. It is good therapy to consider any question raised by a poster, but you may not wish to actually give full details for a cpmplete answer in your post.

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair, available from this website? One of your requests could be NO CONTACT. If H has changed his mind, and wants to keep the marriage with you, then he can demonstrate his resolve by agreeing to No Contact. You can assist H to write the No Contact letter to OW. What parts of H's life have to change to accomplish No Contact?

It seems you have been doing a good Plan A so far. If H refuses to agree to No Contact, you may reach a point where you feel that H should decide, one way or another, and that H is stringing you along, by refusing to implement No Contact. If you reach that point, you might consider Plan B, with a Plan B letter.

One of the objectives of Plan B is to enter MC. Since you have MC already, you may not need Plan B. Hopefully.

You have not mentioned who else knows of the affair. You have not given much of the dynmics of power and assistance in the marriage. You have not mentioned the influence of other relatives, and other people in your lives.

Blessings

<small>[ July 24, 2004, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>