My husband is on a year long deployment. He was home for two weeks, during which he told me about his A.
Oddly enough, I seemed to have implemented much of Plan A even before I saw this website. I was shocked and deeply hurt, but did not freak out. I did make clear to him that I was really hurt and didn't know what to think.
During his visit I made sure to not be a nag about it, though we did have a few conversations which were on the whole very civil. He told me that she is actually gone now, sent back to the states because of injury. I don't know if I beleive him or not. I really am not going to contact his commander, etc because he would lose his career and that would not help our family at all.
I am trying to do my best to implement Plan A, though he is back on his deployment. I have written him letters, and today sent a care package of things he will like. He doesn't want his phone calls home to be taken up by talk of his A and I have agreed to that.
Any ideas on how to keep up Plan A when the other spouse is away but in contact?

berg - Welcome to marriagebuilders. We have several people here in your same position. Stick with Plan A, and keep reading and posting here.
Weekends are slow, so you might try posting on general questions.

Berg, I'm on the opposite side of the fence. I was the military member on a short deployment when my wife had her affair. I don't have any advice at the moment, but thought maybe if you had any questions of what deployed life is like I could help. I'm in the Air Force and our deployments aren't nearly as long, but I will help if I can. Respectfully, Zoomie

Thanks Zoomie! I was actually in the Army before, I got out right before our first child was born, joint decision to best meet our family's needs.
I have sent off a big care package, full of fun stuff he will like. I'm trying to meet his EN the best I can while we are apart. I have written emails and snail mails this week, as well as the package. I also have comitted to be very positive when he calls, and only telling him negative stuff he really needs to hear - kids having problems,etc. No little stuff and no whining about how hard it is here for me alone.
There is not much I can do about his SF needs - and that of course bugs me. I was very, err, helpful when he was home even though I was horrified that he had been sleeping with another woman over there. I can only hope that he was truthful that she is gone and that's it's over. It's just hard to trust right now, but I am making a big effort to not rant and rave on the little time we have on the phone.
Whenever I was deployed I was so low ranking that my NCO's knew where I was and what I was doing every second of the day, but he's been in a while and has a lot of autonomy. But it wouldn't make a difference, I guess, if he wants to continue the A it won't matter what restrictions, they will find a way.

Hi Berg,
I just read most of your posts from the Plan a/b forum. I'm also copying my post to your thread in GQII with a recommendation (found later in this post).

My H is in his 3rd month in Afghanistan, Army, so we're looking at a year to 18 mo. too.

We're also 4+ years in recovery, so a different situation than yours. But, the OW, now FOW is his co-worker, not deployed, but her (new) H is with mine, so I go to Family Support Meetings with my H's FOW--who is one of the leaders! So...that's made my memory a little fresher about the pain.

You probably can't force him to tell you who she is, but, he should tell you. It probably could wait until he comes home if you want to do a good Plan A during this difficult time. But, once he comes home, you need to know.

It sounds like you are doing good with sending him email, snail mail, care packages. Sometimes I think of it like if I were starting a relationship, sending that kind of mushy/romantic/intimate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> stuff.

And, like you, I rarely talk about my loneliness, I do say I miss him very much. But I really am busy with work, our kids--one going to college this fall the other a junior in HS, I go to the gym, and a couple other groups I belong to other than the FSG. I carry my cell most of the time, just not in the gym, and it kills me to miss the occasional call, but he knows I'm not sitting at home.

One thing you can know for certain, your H cannot start a divorce while deployed. In fact, divorces in progress when activation begins are halted. So, you do have this 6 month time without any possible legalities.

We haven't saved any money up to now either. My H's purchases before deployment were about $3000 in electronics, entertainment, gear, needed comfort/hygiene items. I've just paid off our credit cards, so if your H made a lot of purchases prior to deployment, REMIND him. Plus, that postage for care packages is a killer, my lowest package was $16 and have ranged up to $30, that's just postage, not the stuff inside, another $30-$200, depending on what H asked for (DVDs, sheets, dust buster, college alumni flag).

Do whatever you can to stay sane. If you need counseling, there is a chaplain assigned to your support group. If you live near a base, you can also apply for free mental health counseling.

I'd recommend touching base with some kind of counselor, military, your pastor/religious leader or private (that would be a money issue, but...how much does a divorce cost in comparison?)

You do need some support to get through this betrayal, this is more than deployment, which is hard enough. My H also was in Desert Storm, so this is not our first, but...still, I have tough moments.

MB is a very good place for support, and, there are some military members, some retired, some spouses who have some knowledge that are specific. I'd recommend that you put "military" in your heading to draw the others out. Your "deployment" post from the Plan A/B forum happened to be at the top when I signed on tonight and caught my eye, then I found you on GQII, the forum I hang at most.

This is an active forum, so, put some kind of "deployment/military" in your heading.

And, I am really sorry that your H has put you in this position.

LOR, thank you so much for replying.

I'm glad you pointed out the spending before deployment - he bought tons of stuff. AND when he was first there he put several hundred on the credit card, Walmart online and stuff. I won't bring it up but if he does, I will remind him he spent too.

I am seeing a therapist for depression/anxiety, she is also a marriage and family counselor. My next appt is tomorrow so I will be filling her in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am still at a loss, but I am so glad I found this site, especially the Plan A/Plan B stuff, it really helps to have a PLAN and a goal.

The couple times I asked to PLEASE tell him who she was, he kept saying "Why do you care about her, I'm the one who broke our vows..." I think he is worried that I will try to contact her. It's probably a good thing, really, I am staying calm but I might boil over if I know more. I just don't know.

You have been in recovery, you said. That makes me hope. Is there really hope? Can I learn to not be afraid of him hurting me again? Can I stop thinking about her when we make love? Will I eventually stop looking at every woman in uniform and think "Is it you????"