MIF I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> many of us have been there and we know how desperate it is for you.
Some good news is that you are in the right place here at MB to begin to recover your life and your relationship. You may want to use the busier 'General Questions II' forum though.
One big thing to realise is that short of locking up your WW, you cannot actually STOP her from continuing the affair BUT the affair is likely to end soon anyway.
If you DID lock her up this would certainly only temporarily halt the affair until you let her go.
Plan A is the most counter-intuitive behaviour on the planet but it has been proven to work in thousands of relationships over the years the Harleys have been counselling.
Look here
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html for a summary of plan A , then search on this forum for posts by Ark, Worthatry and other wise heads that explain far better than I can about Plan A.
If all this sounds 'not enough' remember it took a while for your M to hit a spot where an affair happened, you will not fix it by Saturday night.
The GOOD news is you can start Plan A'ing right away !
Be calm, and try to choke down the panic and hurt you feel. Then say to your WW something like this I told my FWW :
" I want very much to work on our marriage, as I recognice that although I'm not responsible for your infidelity, I played a part in the state of our marriage.
However before we can work on our marriage, the affair must end and you must never gain have contact with the man.
When you see him or contact him you knowingly twist a knife in my heart AND you deliberately prevent work on our M recovery from beginning.
I will not pysically stop you from continuing the affair, because I love you and would not have you SHACKLED to our marriage, but instead staying within by choice. Just know that you are deeply and deliberatly hurting and humiliating someone who loves you very much by contacting the OM."
Then, whatever her response, hunker down to making your home and your life a welcoming place for her to return to.
STUDY, do not just read the case studies on here. I will include a post of my own regarding plan A here to start you off.
All blessings to you, and know you CAN RESCUE your marriage using MB !
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* Your instinct as a BS is to be angry, indignant, sad, fearful, reactionary etc and no-one could blame you. However actions supporting these emotions will REINFORCE the fantasy in your WS warped mind that you are a worse bet as a life partner than the OP and that the A was justified.
* You may feel 'better' by venting, doing the vengeance dance etc, but this will almost certainly fatally break your relationship.
* Plan A is a carefully calculated response to the fact of an affair that recognises the strengths and weaknesses of the BS position at this time, and who wants to save their M. It is NOT instinctive, in fact it is counter-intuitive, but it works if adhered to. To use MaddyKs analogy :scratching poison ivy rash feels SO GOOD but causes nothing but grief. Instinct does not always help in complex situations.
* FACT a BS cannot directly stop an affair unless they kill or kidnap one or both infidels, and thats not usually recommended by MC
* FACT NEITHER is a BS as helpless as they think they are, and has an armoury of weapons to use. Plan A bundles these for use in a proven strategy.
* Plan A recognises the uncomfortable reality that although the BS is IN NO WAY responsible for the A and that an A is NEVER JUSTIFIED or OK the BS HAS contributed to the marital environment being ripe for an A. This is a major thing to choke down for most BS ( it was for me!) , but its also a major enabler to recovery. Once you know what broke in YOU you can start fixing it.
* Using tools such as exposure the affairs bindings can be exposed to the light. Typically A's only make sense in a by-the-hour highway motel for two hours at a time when only the lying infidels listen to each others fog drivel and 'lets pretend' sex. Exposure to OPs significant other, and carefully targeted family and friends and colleagues forces this shaky, sex-justfying bag of fluff to the scrutiny of the real world. In MOST cases, the bindings disappear like vampires in the sun leaving the infidels 'love affair' looking like the tawdry, cowardly alternative to fixing a flagging marriage that it truly is.
And YES exposing is counter intuitive too, but it WORKS !! see now ?
* So when the A is exposed as a shabby thing, Plan A also makes sure that you, the BS have ALREADY and PROACTIVELY recognised the failings in your behaviour and demeanour that led to the marriage flagging and made a start at fixing them. You have also patently disarmed your WS by not being violent, disrespectful, unforgiving nor any of the other things that they expected and FEARED you would be. In fact you raised your game SIGNIFICANTLY as spouse material and they begin to notice it, really.
* WSs fear that with the death of the A, they have no safe place to go, not the OP and certainly not home to face the judgment and wrath of the BS they have hurt do much....except the BS has done everything possible to provide a place of calm safety for the WS to return to. My own FWW thought it was a trick! She couldn't believe the loving and non-hudgmental "nest" I'd made for her when she felt she deserved it so little...through Plan A I'm a better Dad than I've been in years, a better listener and more thoughtful of my FWWs needs. Plus MUCH slimmer, fitter and more buff ( GgrrrrOOOWWWLLLLL ! )
* SOME A's bindings are stronger than others and SOME WSs find it harder than others to return home, so plan A may not always work at killing the A and providing a sanctuary for the WS to recover in. Thats when plan B kicks in. Plan B REMOVES the sanctuary , love , forgiveness and support so carefully built and demonstrated in PLAN A from the WS. You do a good plan A and you will be REALLY missed, while OM looks everyday more like the unreliable, lying betrayers they always are.
* See how it works ? By choosing to lay down your righteous indignation in plan A you are in NO WAY a doormat any more than spying for the Allies made brave intelligence folks in WW2 Nazis. You are bravely and deliberately overruling your primal instinct in support of the marriage God gave you and you gave to God and each other.
* STUDY(not just read) SAA, HN/HN , this site, the old heads stories and become aware of the dynamics of affairs. Deconstruct your own situation and apply the principles to it. Knowledge is power. Understand that affairs are JUST LIKE medical conditions, the symptoms, prognosis and cure are all utterly predictable in most cases. Your sitch feels unique BUT IT AIN'T ! THIS STUFF HAS WORKED FOR THOUSANDS OF COUPLES IN EXACTLY YOUR SITCH !
* Finally I have said before that Plan A is a heroes gig and I still think so. For a 'silverback' like me the easy way is to go crashing around hitting people , suing people and making lives bad. Instinct isn't bravery.
Bravery is doing what is needed, however uncomfortable, frightening and counter-instuitive to rebuild a stable loving platform for all involved in the mess of an affair.
Even if Plan A and Plan B doesn't recover your M , it will leave you a much more "examined" person able to move on in life and not repeat the errors that contributed to the problems in the M.
I hope I have helped explain my take on Plan A. And to close, Plan A has worked UP THE WAZOO for us so far so I'm not talking theory.
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<small>[ September 24, 2004, 02:07 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>
