***ALSO POSTED ON GENERAL QUESTIONS BOARD***
Those of you who have followed my previous posts know that most recently I struggled with the idea of finally sitting my BW/WW down and telling her everything.
All the fine details that she had been missing, filling in the blanks of truths that she has learned gradually over the last 2 months through 2nd-hand sources (most notably one of my OW in a direct phone call, as well as some emails, cell phone bills, etc.) has been my biggest fear.
Well, as per my last thread "new news: what happened when you told your S everything?" -
I have done the deed, thanks to my own conscience, words of encouragement from this BBS, and even her own statements that my honesty was going to be required to work things out.
Where I left off yesterday, after I was honest, she blew up and swore and yelled and screamed that it was over (again...you can read that thread for some of the gory details)...but then an hour later TM'd me and apologized.
Well - we started TM'ing, and the subject turned to sex. If you can believe this, she started talking about the sexual prowess (or lack thereof) of her OM, the one she still is involved with!! I can't believe I sat there and listened to it.
Anyway...she asked me to come over because she wanted me in a sexual way - I know there's more to it than that deep down - so I went over.
I slept there last night (2nd night in a row, but first time we had had sex since 9/8...we had sex a few times after D-Day) and this morning was nice, just regular chit-chat while she got ready for work and...it was just normal, like it used to be.
She said a few times over the course of last night and today that she just "wants to be the sexiest girl of them all" meaning, she's struggling with how I could have been with OW when she's so beautiful and attractive and our sexual chemistry is wonderful.
But then I have also admitted that my A's were really not about attractiveness or even SEX in and of itself, that it was about these women being readily available and worshipping me and feeding my ego. Groupies, in a sense. So she has heard the truth, but she is still struggling with a natural reaction of "I must not have been enough."
Anyway -
The cut of it is this...
She is flying to the East Coast this weekend to be with her OM. After the great weekend we had together (all pain and yelling aside), I feel terrible about that, because I really feel like we had a breakthrough this weekend. We spent the entire weekend together, I was totally honest for the 1st time ever with her, she appreciated it, we were loving each other...it was very beneficial.
Before, I was able to say "there's no hope for us and I deserve it and she's going to do it" and tried not to let it bug me when I knew she was with him. But now I'm starting to resent his existence.
So - I'm starting on Plan A. I've cut out my OW. I'm beginning to change for the better, for myself and for her. I finally have been honest with her. We are making progress and there is still lots of love there, even if it's going to take awhile, even if we're not officially "working on it" yet.
But I'm starting to dread what Plan B says - it almost sounds like I have to cut HER off until she dumps HIM and commits to our marriage. The thought of that kills me after the great weekend we just had.
