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Joined: Sep 2004
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Quick rundown, more than my signature gives:

* I have had multiple A's over a few years
* My BW/WW started an affair a few weeks before D-Day
* She was about to admit her A to me when she discovered evidence of mine
* D-Day hit with both of us only admitting to EA's
* Gradually more truth came out, she told me all about her and OM within a week
* I hid full extent of my A's until just 2 days ago, but she had found out most of it through 3rd party sources (the OW, emails, cell bills, etc.)
* Sept. 7 I decided to commit 100% to rebuilding myself and the marriage and have been "clean" since, no OW in my life at all
* She is still in contact with her OM regularly and visits him when she can (he lives on other Coast)
* She seems to be between 70/30 and 80/20 sure about our future - very scared and not sure we can work it out, but a small part of her wants to and thinks it could happen
* She has gone back & forth between saying the OM is a possible future love of her life and saying that he's only a complication, and that she's keeping that A alive because she needs the distraction (I also think she's holding on to slim chance they will be together even though she knows better).

So...since I have done my part - eliminated the OW in a very forthright way - committed to making changes I need to make that helped cause this - I feel I am in Plan A.

But since this is a situation where my W is both the B and the W, does Plan A also work in reverse?

Should I be applying the edicts to "cut off ties with the OP" to her and gauging our place in Plan A from her perspective since this is 2-sided?

And if she doesn't do so soon, move to Plan B and cut contact with her until she does get rid of OM?

The wording of Plan A seems like it should apply to both of us, since we both had OP and both were WS and BS (although mine was much worse).

[ September 28, 2004, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]

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I recommend you stay in Plan A and I admire that you are willing to work hard for the restoration of your M. Can I ask why you have done this 180? Are you sure you can avoid As in the future? You don't have to answer me, but these are the kinds of questions your BS will have.

Harley feels that men and women have As for different reasons. I like to think that different people have As for different reasons. Your BS/WS' reasons may be different than yours and she may not give it up as easily as you did.

I don't see Plan A as only for the BS. Plan A is for whichever partner is willing to put in the initial difficult work on getting the M back on track.

Yes, you should respectfully ask her to give up the OM and give your M a chance. No, I wouldn't complicate things by considering Plan A from her perspective. She is the reluctant partner. She is the Plan A-ee.

Unfortunately, Plan A may have to be done for a few months. And Harley sometimes recommends Plan A for 6 months if the wife is the WS. I don't know how anyone can do Plan A for 6 months, but I recommend you try it for 3.

BTW, why do you consider your As to be 'worse'?

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Heres one to confuse everyone. I was the WH. Did plan A for a little over a month and was doing good. My wife decided she needed to move out. Pushed ME to file for divorce. I avoided it as long as I could. I HAD to take custody of our 2 boys so I filed for D. That was on the 1st of September. Last week we seemed to be on the road back. Then she pulled back this Tuesday. I am starting something like a plan B today. I am 99.99% sure she isnt having an A. But Im oding what I need to do to protect me

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Plan A is for the betrayed spouse (the one NOT having an affair) to eliminate lovebusters and negotiate an end to the affair.
If you had an affair, you do not do Plan A.

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quote:
Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
Plan A is for the betrayed spouse (the one NOT having an affair) to eliminate lovebusters and negotiate an end to the affair.
If you had an affair, you do not do Plan A.

Then what is it that I would do, considering the circumstances?
I was a WH and am trying to change myself for the better so I can be a better H to my W. I want to reconcile and have faith that we can, and I believe in the conviction of what I'm trying to do.

However, she is still involved in an A, one that started before D-Day and was not revenge or related to my A's - until, that is, the truth of my A's came out. Now I think she's looking at OM as a salvation from me, as a way out of our M, as a better alternative to what I've done...but she also loves me and since my original post has admitted part of her wants to work it out but she's scared.
She vascillates between being loving and hinting at reconciliation, to saying there's no hope and she deserves better.

Despite my past, doesn't Plan A still apply in the sense that being patient and calm and loving with her could cause her to eventually give up her A and possibly want to fix our M?

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For the purpose of her A, you are the BS, she is the WS, and as long as you have initiated NC and terminated your A, it sounds like you are eligible for Plan A, as it regards to her A.

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VnusMars,
My previous response was to john3479.

If your affair is over and your wife is having one now, yes do Plan A.
Also, you have a lot of stuff to be remorseful for and let her know that you realize/understand you screwed up.
Let her know that is what you are trying to sort out now. About why you did it abnd what you have learned since then.

Keep in mind, you are not going to "educate" her on what is right/wrong and how she needs to handle it. You are simply letting her know that you understand YOU screwed up and are trying to fix it.

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quote:
Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
VnusMars,
My previous response was to john3479.

If your affair is over and your wife is having one now, yes do Plan A.
Also, you have a lot of stuff to be remorseful for and let her know that you realize/understand you screwed up.
Let her know that is what you are trying to sort out now. About why you did it abnd what you have learned since then.

Keep in mind, you are not going to "educate" her on what is right/wrong and how she needs to handle it. You are simply letting her know that you understand YOU screwed up and are trying to fix it.

Oh, I see, thanks for clarifying. I got scared for a second there! [Cool]

Yes...I am doing all of the above. I fear I let myself slip a bit recently on the subject of "admitting my wrongdoing and talking about it" - I've been so much more focused on what her intentions are - and she called me on it a few nights ago - but I hope she sees in my pain and sadness that I realize now what I've done.

And I've been Plan A'ing it and not LB'ing for weeks now, and it seems to have helped immensely. Ever onward...

Signs are beginning to show that she knows her OM is a temporary fix and may end soon, but she's afraid to admit it and give me false hope...


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