Hi everyone,
I'm new and not familiar w/ the acronyms, so forgive me, but I'm desperate and didn't take time to learn them all. Quick bio info. - married 6 years and together a total of 11. No children, but dogs that are like children. I am 36, my husband is 35, his lover is 40. My H left in July, telling me he didn't want to be married to me anymore, didn't want to waste more time w/ me because we were young and could still be happy. What I didn't know was that he was already having an affair, for at least 2 months prior to his leaving (any maybe longer). She and her husband and their child were friends of ours, live on the same street, and had been in our house and out with us several times. She and her husband (joint company) began working for my husband's company (he is CEO for a startup that he began). Long story, but I was clueless. Even when my husband began taking her/them to work with him, he said it was because they only had one car, and since it was on his way... My husband is the type of person to do anything for a friend, male or female, so I didn't think this was out of the ordinary. Obviously, I was wrong. Anyway, both she and her husband are still working for his company, although her husband doesn't go into the office. This is not her first affair - she has had affairs w/ at least 2 men and a woman before in her marriage. I have no idea if my husband knows, and now have no idea if this is his first affair. My husband has never admitted an affair, or that anything was going on before he left me, but I saw his truck in her garage overnight the weekend after he left me. He made a flimsy excuse and got angry w/ me. He blames the failure of our marriage on me, and says that he had nothing to do w/ the failure of his lover's marriage (they separated the same week we did - shocking), just like she had nothing to do w/ the failure of our marriage. Our marriage was not great in the last year and a half - we had virtually no sex life, as both of us withdrew, thinking that the one was no longer attracted to the other, and we didn't communicate well. We were living apart a lot due to his working in CA several weeks out of the monthy while we/I lived in NC. But before the problems began, our marriage was full of love, affectiion and we had so much in common. We considered eachother soulmates. Not to say it was perfect - we had our arguments just like anyone else - but I know we loved eachother tremendously. Anyway, at this point, my husband is trying to rush the legal separation agreement, and is practically living with her up the street. They are being more careful now than in the beginning, but I still see his car there and sometimes see him in the house at night. He has told me over and over that we are finished and he does not want to be married to me anymore. He has told me that he and his lover "would date", and that they are seeing eachother, but "not like boyfriend and girlfriend". He has also said he loves her, but that he also loves her husband and is his friend, so that he loves her like a friend. He does not want to attend counseling, but does want us to talk about what happened to us in our marriage, so we can "heal". He has proposed an agreement and division of property, and seems to be threatening me that if I don't go for his proposal, he will fight and I will be in a much worse financial situation in the end than I started with. He has always made more money than I, so I do need to be careful. I am getting an attorney, which he is unhappy about, as he thought we could just work this out together. The other day, he told me that he hadn't been in love w/ me for 2 years. I don't mean to sound even more naive, but I really can't believe this. However, I feel like I do not know him anymore. He has lied to me so many times, but will not admit any of them. I feel like once the settlement agreement is signed, there will be no hope of salvaging our marriage. Maybe I shouldn't even want to, if he can say and do the awful things he has done. I take full responsibility for my failures in the marriage, but I was never unfaithful, and I still love him. I wish I didn't, but I do. Most of the info. I've seen about surviving infidelity deals w/ couples who are still living together, but an affair has been admitted. My situation doesn't seem to apply. Does anyone have any ideas on whether it would be possible at all to save our marriage, when my husband has already left and seems to be so enamoured w/ his lover? He is hiding the affair from his work and at least most of his friends, but I believe his family knows and has welcomed her with open arms. (I was never their first choice for him.) I am getting desperate to just find something of hope, or to find out if this is a situation where it never works. Any help would be so much appreciated.

Thank you!

Welcome to marriagebuilders. All the stuff your husband is spouting right now is right out of the Wayward Husband handbook. They all say the same thing, so ignore all that he says.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my sig. line.

Stick with us, and start reading here. You will see your husband's words repeated over and over. It is very possible to have a good marriage again, and may happen even faster if he is living with her.

Does her husband know what is going on? If not, be sure to tell him.

Thanks for your response. I want so much to believe that Plan A/Plan B can work, but how does one get started when the spouse has left and continues to spout - it's over, I've moved on, there is no hope no matter what, etc.? Am I supposed to try to tell this person that I am still committed to the marriage and him, and that I am prepared to meet the needs that were not being met earlier if he will leave the lover? I think this would cause him to just get angry and even more frustrated with me. We have finally had a couple of discussions, rather than arguments, about some of the needs that were not being met in the marriage and have touched on why we think they were not being met, and I have learned a lot. But, he still says this is just to heal and to move on, nothing else. It just seems that trying to talk about a reconciliation at this point would be fruitless, but if this is what I have to do, I'll do it.

And the husband knew before I did, and was the one who finally told me what had happened. My spouse continues to deny there is any "big relationship", even though he is on a business trip w/ her and the child for an entire week again. I don't know what my spouse has told his family, but they have to know that this is an affair. She has been over at his mother's house on several occasions. His family and I were never really close, so I'm sure they are glad to be rid of me. I doubt he has admitted anything to most of his friends.

I really appreciate your response!
Dina

Well the bad news is you have to stick to the MB Plan A. Don't worry if you don't feel like doing it, or don't think it will work. These plans do work.

So everytime you talk to your husband, stay in Plan A. Really you don't even need to talk about your relationship.

In the meantime, keep posting and reading here. Then make changes in you, which is really the only thing you can do.

You might want to post on General Questions, as there is more traffic there.

Thanks again for the quick response. You have been very helpful. I'll read more about Plan A/Plan B and see how I can make it work for this situation. And I will look into posting on General Questions.

I hope that whatever your situation, you are now in a happy relationship!

I know how you feel.

I stood for the marriage to be restored during our year and a half separation. We divorced in June of 2004. There were many other women. He is in a detention center now for the other woman accusing him of beating her. He has told me to move on.

I am not dating and staying single. I have prayed for this marriage for 8 years and had so many help me pray.

I am wondering God is for putting marriages back together that are divorced now.

I want to read plan A.

Should I hang in here?

Also for the married..there is so much scripture that supports God will restore a marriage if you following the Biblical guidelines and don't give up and keep praying and stay single even while separated.

I'd like to find answers too. And feeling foolish I still love my husband. But I feel God won't let me give up.

Any comments and help and encouragment. I hope I can help and encourage too.

Love in Jesus,
Leah

Family pictures

Hey LivinNJesus, I've been going through this stuff now for 8 months...after a 5 month seperation my WW came home to me 4 months ago and told me of her affair. We got together...I di what I thought was a decent plan A...we had fun together...but she was wanting to run with her 10 yr. younger girl friend and seemed in the last few weeks as if she was trying to run me away. As I went to church last Sunday...she packed a few things and headed back to her brothers...next day she was here with my supper...but lately I've started trying to pull away a little. I still want to save my marriage and pray for her. Can you pray that the Lord touches Deb's heart. Thanks, you will be in my prayers.

NC

I just want to let you know that YES marriages can be saved after one leaves. My story is long and drawn out and I am really tired but the short of it is in my signature line. He did leave me for OW but soon found out that she wasn't me (imagine that) and that he didn't really care to be around her kid (imagine that too) and now he is here with me. I think we have a better marriage now than we ever had. If anything is hampering us it is me now. Recovery is very difficult and I take it day by day. If you stick to the plans here you can do it. You must pick yourself up and be strong though. These principles are not for the weak by no means. Plan A is hard because this person just hurt you terribly. Plan B which is the last resort is even harder because you have withdrawals from the WS. Anyway if you do everything here it can work. It doesn't always work, but what have you got to lose? Read everything on this site. Get the books Surviving an Affair and His needs/her needs . Even if you don't think you can work it out these books will help you heal and become a better person for your next partner in life. You are in my prayers and good luck to you.

HINY

Welderboy..yes you will be in my prayers. Actually I hope all the marriages represented here in this website can be restored and healed.

Here is another website to check out on marriage restoration. They don't have forums, but the couple who started the website and restore ministries have a restored marriage after divorce, and remarried.

Go to www.restorem.org

Also my homepage was typed wrong, I need to fix it. It's http://hometown.aol.com/livinnjesus

My ex-husband does write me from the detention center for the reason for us to be friends and communicate. His last letter was about him reaching out to me for Bible verses on addictions. He said it was for a friend in jail with him. Either way, the material I'm sending has to get past him first, so I am thankful to God for that and God is answering prayer for my ex to get right with God and become a man of God. I don't see the prayers being answered for us, but I don't want them to be until my ex is living for God. Or it would be the same old same old if we tried to reconcile. Insane behavior is doing the same thing expecting different results. I know God will not restore till we both are what God wants us to be for our relationship with Christ. I need to make changes too. I really fit in the love busters section I read on the demands and angry outburst. Never saw that was killing love. I thought he was the bad one for not staying home and riding the roads getting drunk with the buddies. Never found out about other women till after the separation. After I moved to my own place, then our friends came out and decided to tell the truth. I guess friends don't want to cause the separation, but once there is one they get truthful.

It takes two.

But the link I gave for marriage restoration agrees with Plan A and B.

Believe God!

Love to all,
Leah

NC I also offer you the same website for help too for the main reason that they truly help encourage true marriage reconcilation based on Biblical principles and to prayer and trusting God.

One thing I have experienced is true..Proverbs chapter 5 and 6. Both chapters are about adultery and what happens to you when you stay in adultery. So if you want to read about what will happen to your husband based on God's Word, read those chapters and believe it.

My ex is now reduced to no home, no job, no vehicle, no money, nothing but jail till May 05. A domestic violence record, almost a felony record with 10 years in jail for her accusing him of threatening her life with a gun. They were both heavily 24/7 smoking meth. I'm sure most of you have heard of the Meth maze in America. It's like cocaine, but made out of household cleaning products, planting garden products and sudafed and it's made in homes, backyards and on the rivers (here in the South). It's a killer.

I believe God spared my ex-husband's life through the accusation of this other woman to get him off the street and confined so he could be away from this drug. If you look at my homepage that is in bad need of updating LOL, and I will do that soon, he was a big man in those pictures. He is small now. While my ex was living this lifestyle I did plead the blood of Jesus over him and that his life would be protected and that God would use something to bring him to his knees where only he would suffer the consequence. I prayed the Damascus Road experience over him (Acts 9) because so MANY told me he would NEVER change and I would be waiting 20 years for him to come to God.

Now that he is in the detention center he has plenty of time to read the Bible and attend all the church services there.

God hates divorce. For those of you still married believe God's word for restoration, His word is full of promises. Even if you are separated.

NC read 1 Cor. chapter 7 also. It says if you separate from your husband, remain single or be reconciled to him.

Yes I have read a lot on here of couple's still living together while affairs are going on. I couldn't imagine living like that so I tip my hat to yall who are! Your mentally stronger than me. But still living together you do have a upperhand at the fight if you follow the plans and trust God with everything.

The website I gave a previous link to has a book, one is for the wife to read and one is for the husband to read. It's called "How God can and will restore your marriage." I have read the book for the wife. It is very good!! It only cost under 15.00 with shipping included.

After the OW accused my ex of beating her, I finally got to meet her because everything was exposed. Before the charges my ex kept everything hid, so he thought. Everyone told me about her, he just would not let me "catch" him. He denied and denied. Said he wanted a divorce but never filed.

When I met the OW and talked to her (which that book I read that I just told you about says DO NOT talk to the OW) she told me so many lies. And they were easy to believe because of my ex smoking meth. I thought the drug drove him into crazy behavior. She tricked me into filing for the divorce. But I did not realize it till afterwards. Me and the OW spent like a month of many nights talking and talking and talking. I fell into the devil's trap. And it's the devil who hates families and marriages.

I know God can change people, heal people and deliver people. God is who I put my trust in, not my ex. Once the divorce was final I did try to date one guy, but it did not take long for me to realize I was not ready and God pulled me back and told me to remain single and be patient and give Him time to answer prayer. So far He is working on my ex and my ex's issues. In the meantime He is also working on me and me getting better and becoming the 1 Peter 3 woman...the one with the gentle and quiet spirit that is precious in the sight of God, who can win her husband over without a word because he observes her Godly behavior. I have 3 daughters from a previous marriage (in that divorce I did not know what I know now or that marriage could have been saved) and me and my ex now have 1 daughter together. So I have 4 daughters. They are 23, 17, 13, and 8 (almost 9).

Let me know if you visit restore ministries website and if you get the book.

And for the husband's reading this, there is a book for yall too.

Let me know what you all think of Proverbs 5 and 6.

No nagging
No yelling
No accusing
No talking to the OW or OM
No trying to change the other, change yourself
No controlling
No manipulating
No revenge (only God has the best revenge and His word is full of how He will handle the one in adultery)
No evil for evil

Overcome evil with good and life a lifestyle of forgiving.
___________________________________________
Met ex July 94
had our daughter out of wedlock Feb. 96
I got right with God Jan. 98
Married June 13,98
Separated December 02
Divorced June 04

Love in Jesus!
Leah