Greetings,

Please be patient, I haven't brushed up in all of the abbreviations and acronyms, I have been tore up and stressed for over a month now. Where to begin... About three years ago, my wife and I had some problems, and we both got depressed, and she thought I didn't love her anymore. She moved out with my daughter, and pregnant with my son, into another man's home and had an affair with him. I was trying to be tough about the situation, but quickly became utterly sad, hopeless, faithless, depressed, and angry. Eventually, I convinced her to leave him, and we moved back in together -foolishly- without a plan for marital recovery. I love her so much, but I also despised her at the same time. How could she do that to me? So I regrettably became verbally and emotionally abusive. This lasted off an on for about three years or so. During that time, I made the mistakes of being demanding, disrespectful, etc. I now understand that I was trying to get revenge, and make her feel pain, in an effort to cover up my pain. We split up again during those three years, and she was with at least two other men during the split up (the split that time was between 1yr/3mo. to 1yr/8mo.). I got a job out of town, third shift, and wasn't always able to see her and the kids. But I would call her and the kids often. We then moved back in together, again, without a plan for marital recovery. We go along, but we were both a little different from all the times apart, and we still argued. I got better and better over time, and the pain started to go away, and I wasn't nasty towards her, unless she refused to compromise and negotiate.

We eventually moved to another state, very close to her family, most of whom have affairs with thier significant others. I was paranoid, and nervous about it the whole time. I went into counseling for depression, anxiety, and panic attacks that had been happening since the original affair. We had a lot of stress living in the new area, but got along for the most part. Then, almost three months ago, we started renting a huge six bedroom house. Her brother moved in, with promises of getting a job, and splitting the rent.

Well, her brother turned out to be a freeloader, didn't look for a job, and ate a lot of our food. He also screamed at my kids, and is basically a total jerk. Also, during these times my wife was working "extra long", 12+ hour shifts at her job. I start arguing with her about her brother, she's arguing with me about the house being unclean, though her brother was the main cause. He also had friends over, drinking all of the time, and crashing there. Our home became a flop house.

She then had two male coworkers move in, and sleep in her brothers room. I immediately had suspicions about the one dude. She came home one evening with a dozen roses, and said that they were from a secret admirer from work. I knew right away they were from the one coworker, now reffered to as the OM. Lots of suspicious activity insued, and I confronted them numerous times, but they kept lying through thier teeth. Then, about 3-4 weeks ago, my W blurts out "I don't love you anymore, and I want a divorce". It hit me like a train. Before her "long hours", I thought we were getting past everything that was bad, and we were going to be happy. I told her she couldn't have one, and she said that she was going to move out. We then discussed who would move out, who would stay, etc. I start crying to her, telling her how much I love her, but she wouldn't hear me.

I then found this website, and started doing research. Believe it or not, I became a changed man in an instant, and had many epiphanies. I tried applying some of the things I have learned, but she resisted everything, and made me move back to my hometown, where we met. She kept lying, and let the OM move in. Since then, I have been trying not to pressure her, but if she doesn't call me, I call her. Sometimes, she acts annoyed with me when I try to talk to her about everything. When I see her, I give flowers I have picked myself, try to get her to go out to a movie, things like that, and she sometimes seems to like that. I wrote her some poetry, and she almost cried. If she doesn't love me, the words wouldn't mean anything to her, and she wouldn't almost cry, would she?

Well, the other night, I was talking to her on the phone, when she admitted the OM was living there. I asked if they were have a physical relationship, and she said "Not really", or "Not exactly", or something like that. I ask her what she means, and she said "There are problems". I say "problems?" and she said "Thats all I'm going to say about it, you are a man, so you should know what I mean". So I am assuming the OM is having ED problems, and I say "Well I must admit that I am kind of relieved". She replies with "I kind of am relieved too, you know?" Then she says "I have to go, I'll call you back later".

About twenty minutes later, I get a call from a friend near where she lives, who tells me that he heard on the scanner, that her house just got raided, and that the cops found MJ plants. I call there, and she puts a cop on the phone, and he tells me that "People here are swearing up and down that these are yours". I couldn't not believe what I was hearing. So it turns out that the OM is on probation, involved with illegal crap, and they are trying to blame it on me to save thier own skins, even though I haven't been anywhere near there in 2 weeks, was kicked out, and live in another state. So they arrest the OM, and not her, no charges or anything. The next day, she tells me she is mad that I didn't lie and say that they were mine, she thought I loved her, etc. I said I wouldn't in my right mind say something untrue like that to put me at risk for a lifestyle she chose to have (which also includes lots of drinking parties, and other things she never did before). As of now, I am awaiting to hear from her again.

Sorry for how long this is, but I wanted to cover the brunt of it all. Even after all of this, I still love her so much, that it hurts. I think that she is emotionally confused, and has not been thinking clearly. I get mixed signals from her, but she tells people that she may wait for the OM to get out of jail (a man with a criminal record, where as I have a clean one). I don't know what to do, how to do plan A with all of these complications, her living 2 1/2 hours away...I only see her when she picks up the kids, and brings them home. So I see her for, if I'm lucky, about 2 hours a week. Also, my family doesn't support me at all with reconciling with her, they all hate her for what has transpired. I know my W still loves me, deep down under all of the fog.

If anyone could give me any help, advice, insight, etc., I would immensly appreciate it...I feel half dead inside, sort of hollow, like half of me has been ripped away.

Dimmu:

Gadzooks!

Nevermind your W. What about the kids? Who has custody? If she does, how did that happen?

Talk 2 a lawyer and get help getting sole custody of your kids. They're in a dangerous environment if they're living with her.

Think about the welfare of your kids first and foremost. I don't know if your M can or should be saved (it sure doesn't sound like it), but in any case your need for reconciling with your W should take a backseat 2 what happens with your kids.

-ol' 2long

The children are living with me. I have to have the children in my state for 6 months before the court can assume jurisdiction over a custody case. When she made me move out, she brought me and the kids here. She does loves them. Even with her current mental and emotional state, she won't jeopardize them. A lot of people have told me the same thing-kids first. I love them dearly, and thats why I talked her into letting me have them. I have been Mr. Mom to them for a long time. I have been enrolling them in school, filling out applications, and have three different babysitters lined up, so that I can get work for any shift. We are temporarily living in my Mom's house, so one of my goals is to save a few paychecks and get a place of our own.

But I cannot forget the love and happiness my W and I had. I still love her, I cannot help that. She is not the same woman I married. When she had that first affair, I became rotten for quite sometime. Looking back, I see that she just wanted to be forgiven, but I was far to angry to do so. That is how we became emotionally divorced. After reading a lot of the Q and A's on this site, I can now see the mistakes both of us have made. When I married her, none of these issues existed. I vowed "For richer or poorer, for better or worse, and in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live". I was sick from her affair, and she is sick now.

My goal is to give my children a proper life, a proper place to live, to give them stability. In turn, I want to show my W what that life can be like. While she and I aren't together, she can observe our lives from the one she has now. Maybe it will open her eyes, I don't know. She definitely needs to get away from her horrible family, and all of thier friends. They are some of the worst kind of people. My W used to say how she never wanted to be like them. Only because of our problems, her low self-esteem and low self-respect, and thier negative influence, are we in the situation we are in. Thats why I know she is all mixed up inside.

So I'm basically looking for help in what to do, to help my sick W, and to show her I love her (she doesn't believe that I do), and to help her want to help herself. I would do anything for things to be the way they were before the A. According to the Q and A's on this site, a person who hates one they once loved, can learn to be totally in love with them again. If that can happen, then I have faith that my W can be rehabilitated, and that one day, down the road, we can be happy together again. I just don't know how to go about doing it...I have a lot to learn about plan A, though I am trying to wing it. Its hard with the distance between us.

While reading other posts here on MB, some other things came to mind that I wanted to share.

I talk to her dad, he and I have been friends the whole time, even during the worst moments of my M. He told me that he spoke to her on the phone last night, and asked her why she told the cops what she said. She told him that she didn't mean to lie, but she panicked and blurted it out. Earlier, sometime after my first post, I spoke with her on the phone. She mentioned that she really didn't mean to do what she did, and basically told me what she told her dad. That made me feel good. But she also told me that the OM doesn't have any new charges yet, but is still in jail (probably due to probation violation). I guess he is hoping for a work release, where he'll work at his job, but spend nights and/or weekends in jail. My vindictive self hopes he rots in there, I don't want my W anywhere near him, but if he gets work release with jailed nights, that doesn't leave much time for them to be together, which helps me work on Plan A easier.

She has also been nice on the phone. She usually starts out by asking me how my day was, then asks about the kids. I don't know if she is asking me about my day because she thinks of me, or if she is just trying to be civil. I did ask her a few days ago, if she thought about me at all. She said "Of course I do. After seven years together, its hard not to." I am unsure how to take that.

Thank you for your advice 2long, my apologies for not thanking you sooner...with everything thats happened over the past three years, especially with the past few weeks, I am not always able to think clearly.

Dimmu:

"So I'm basically looking for help in what to do, to help my sick W, and to show her I love her (she doesn't believe that I do), and to help her want to help herself. I would do anything for things to be the way they were before the A."

You can certainly "Plan A" remotely, which is what you're doing now. It's harder than if the WS is home, but many have done it. I wouldn't even think of taking her back or moving back with her until she's ended her A and proven that she's done so. Realize, though, that the best way 2 help her is 2 just do plan A by the book. You can't help her any direct way. If she's going 2 get help, she's going 2 get it herself. She's the only one that can "save" herself in the long haul. Nobody else can.

I know you'd like things 2 be the way they were before the A, but the never can be. They can be better, though. As change your lives permanently. The naive innocence you once had is gone, and probably rightfully so. Look what trouble it can get people in2.

best,
-ol' 2long

2long-

You are certainly right about my naive innocence. I am glad its gone. Because I will be better able to protect myself and the children without it. Also, there is no way I can live with her again, anytime soon. It hurts terribly to say that, for I miss her voice, her face, the feeling when we embrace, and the nice things she used to do. But she and I would need to start over, to get to know each other again. One of my boundaries will have to be that she stays away from those in her family that influenced her to embrace thier lifestyle. Its not like the W I met and married to be like them. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep my children away from them. Now, I just have to figure out how to properly plan A, especially remotely.