A month ago I found out about my 25-year old wife of 15 months having an affair while on vacation in her home country (she's now back in the US).

I confronted her with a Plan A/Plan B strategy. She agreed to Plan A. The separation with the other guy is absolute (6,000 miles apart), I monitor her email and phone conversations. I also spoke with the other guy, and am confident now he won't be a problem again. So far, things are progressing well.

Now, to complicate things, my wife just got a job offer of her young life, and even I can see it as a one-of-a-kind opportunity for her career. Problem is, this job will move her to the East Coast (we're on the West Coast right now) for about a year, so our marriage will become a long-distance relationship for several months (I can't move there because of my job and certain support obligations to my parents). We have no kids, though.

I see this as a major deal-breaker for Plan A, even though technically it has nothing to do with the affair. I need her here, supporting me, my parents (my mother, who lives locally, has been recently diagnosed with cancer), and working on restoring our marriage per Plan A she agreed to. To me, sacrificing her once-in-a-lifetime career opportunity is the price she has to pay for breaking my trust by having an affair.

To her, I imagine, I am seen as an angry, controlling husband who has no regard for her career aspirations and her need for an independent identity. She's lost her parents at an early age, so the whole issue of support obligations to MY parents is difficult for her to deal with. She's friendly with my Mom, but probably doesn't see herself obligated to stick around and see the cancer saga through.

As for the move to another city, my wife says she loves me, and will make every effort to maintain the relationship. She points to the fact that we had a long-distance romance for about a year, and it was the most intense love story (I actually agree). She says she needs this high-profile assignment on her resume, as her initially promising career took a dive after she abandoned everything and came to the US with me (somewhat true). Since she would be getting a significant income boost, she promised to funnel excess funds towards my Mom’s medical bills.

However, after her recent affair, I have major trust issues about allowing my wife to take a job in a city 2,000 miles away, even though there’s no chance the other guy will ever try to join her there. So…if she decides to accept this job offer, I want to push Plan B right away and also file for a legal separation. I am not prepared to go the divorce route right now, given all other things happening in my life.

However, should we work out our problems and stay together, I am concerned about the lifetime of resentment I can bring upon myself by forcing her to abandon her dream job. I don’t want to be blamed forever for failures she will inevitably connect to not having this opportunity available to her.

How do I negotiate an acceptable compromise here? Does all this sound logical to you, or am I being too extreme? We’ve been to a marriage counselor, and she did state some concerns about my wife feeling totally dominated due to our recent move to the US, cultural adjustment issues, disparity in career, social status, etc. And, of course, as all victimized spouses, I want to be fair, but don’t feel I have to bend over backwards.

Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated.

Hi 1cg and welcome. I am sorry that you need to be here BUT it is the right place to be !

I read this and your Q on the GQ2 board and I am flummoxed as we say in the UK. I do not see a high level of commitment to you being demonstrated by your WW I'm afraid. It appears every opportunity to be apart from you is being taken eagerly.

I could be wrong, I only know what you posted.

Plan A is designed to make your WW be unable to ignore any love she has for you by your becoming the most attractive spouse you can be. Its going to be hard or impossible to do this if you are on opposite sides of the US.

Plan B is implemented after a SUCCESSFUL plan A has failed to help end the affair and requires teh utter REMOVAL of any of the benefits of you as a spouse from your WW, so she can realise what she is choosing to give up.
To effect Plan B as a convenience because you have a forced seperation because of this new job is not a good thing to do IMO. I cannot know the reasons your WW chose to cheat on you, but I am also sure you have not had time to fix those together.

If you HAD I am sure she would not be consoidering a voluntary sepration from you re: this job.

Plan B is designed to help end the affair. In your case the Affair IS not what is seperating you, it is your WWs job.

I am not sure plan B will make her change he rmond over a job. Other wiser MB folks than I may advise here.

So 1CG, I will not advise outside my experience - such is dangerous and counterproductive - but I certainly would recommend MORE pro marriage counselling for both of you by the Harleys or Penny Tupy for example.

All blessings 1CG, but know that Plan B without a good plan A to support it is unlikely to be effective.

Thanks for advice.

The way I see it, I have four basic options here.

1. Send my WW back to her home country. This will terminate her East Coast job opportunity, return her to her familiar life and surroundings, and pretty much end our relationship. I would initiate divorce proceedings in this case.

2. Force/persuade her to stay with me in our current location. This also terminates her East Coast job opportunity, with a chilling effect on her career. I expect major resentment over this. Before we got married, we agreed on being a 2-career family. The way things are not going well for her here in the US career-wise, I am seeing a big cloud looming ahead in our marriage. Plus, she hates our current locale -- transatlantic relocation is not for everyone, I guess. However, I am not in a position to move anywhere right now due to the situation with my parents.

3. If she decides to take the job, push for Plan B-type cutoff in spousal benefits and initiate legal separation. The intent here would be to illustrate what she will lose by taking the job in another city.

4. Support her taking the job based on the premise of "set something free -- if it comes back, it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was". Divorce her if she doesn't come back, gain goodwill and negotiating leverage if she does. With my job, ailing mother, etc. it may actually lower my stress level somewhat to not have my wife around. If she fails in this high-level assignment, benefits of spousal support will be highlighted.

Obviously, I cannot make her stay. I don't have anyone to appeal to in order to "shame" her into staying. Her friends are all in another country. The only living relative is a grandmother who will literally die if she learns what her little granddaughter has been up to. Leverage I see is in threatening Plan B (loss of spousal benefits -- right now she's taking them for granted), pushing for legal separation (my wife doesn't want a divorce, and knows that LS is a pre-cursor to divorce). Going behind her back to effect the company's withdrawal of the job offer is too underhanded, IMO.

What else might I have in the negotiating arsenal that I am not noticing?

1cg, you in a mess br'a. your sitch screams to me that your WW don't want to be with you WHEREVER you are.

I could be wrong but it looks that way. Get pro marriage counselling and see what a wise head thinks can be done.

Don't look good to be mate. Make sure you look after yourself while this mess is happening.

Bob, thanks for empathy and advice.

No, my wife's happy if I am with her in a place of her choosing. She's a person strongly influenced by externalities (locale, social life, career, etc.)

Any advice on the options I outlined?

Thanks.

Okay 1coolguy, I'm going give it to you from what I read here, & for the record I'm a female BS.

Reading through the lines on your thread there is a mountain of dissatisfaction with YOU from your wife she tells you she loves you & you respond by demanding she does ABC, you also put your mom - sorry about her health - before your wife.

Okay here goes
1. Your wife uproots & comes to Your country - for love of you.
2. Her career dives - already homesick & now feeling totally undervalued, worthless, non-viable, mega low self-esteem. Did you notice?
3. She goes home, receives empathy & understanding in a form she desperately needs this woman at this point may have felt like she was no longer loved by you either. It's all in the actions & words man - yours.
4. Regrettably she found comfort with someone else. That was her mistake, good people can & often do make mistakes. This was not about you or hurting you, it was about her being validated & feeling accepted as a person. I do hope you understand.
5. The affair is finished over done, you say yourself you are confident it will not come from om.
6. Now here comes the HARD part for you Mr 1Coolguy, what are you going to do to help your wife? To show her your love, to make her feel good about remaining with you? Tough questions I know, been there done that read Bob Pure's threads, it is excrutiating, and if you really want your marriage to your wife in the long run, it's worth it.
7. Plan A - do you understand the principles behind it, reading your post you sound extremely judgmental, controlling, demanding & unforgiving. I wonder does your wife feel that from you too. Sorry if this hurts you further I totally understand your anguish, but sometimes you need to step outside your situ and look at what's going on, how you relate to each other.

8. The chance of a lifetime if up for your wifes future, why would you not travel with her & organise med aid for your mom, have you siblings etc., realistically who comes first to you your wife or your mother? Yes I hear you, mom has cancer it is not an easy time. Have you discussed your marriage with your mom, that you are torn in two, whether to stay with mom or wife. I feel in my gut you should support your wife first she is to be your lifetime partner, now here is another kicker without bitterness or resentment, you can not blame her for your mother's condition or your inability to be with her 24/7.

If your wife does not take this career move you already have predetermined values for her future. Is that fair? Will she resent your controlling her choices - perhaps not immediately, but it may simmer underneath, she too is an EQUAL in your marriage, please allow her a voice for her feelings, dreams & desires, will you allow her the SAFETY & COMFORT to express them without being Told what she should do by you?

Sorry very being so harsh with you, I am not trying in anyway to offend or insult you, I recognise you distress & pain, I have wallowed in the quigmire of betrayed spouse cr2p, and did a lot of mistakes before someone kicked my [censored] into gear & helped me really see where my now devoted husband was coming from.

I wish you, your wife & your mom good thoughts.

Ps. Plan A I don't think it's supposed tobe up for discussion with your spouse. It is a plan to make YOU be the BEST YOU CAN BE. Here is the umpteenth kick in the hiney, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE!!! Yep, scary, unbelieveable at first, but big YES YOU HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO ON YOURSELF.

The idea is that there is never any excuse for having an affair. What you need to do is identify the situations in your relationship that left your spouse feeling needy and remedy it by both of you. You and your wife are equally responsible for the conditions in your marriage pre affair, you are one of the fortunate ones your wife is with you. You now have to address yourself first, and see how you can be a good husband. The thing is you have to do this without expecting your wife to reciprocate. You do it & she may follow your lead.

Wishing You Strength Emotional & Physical, remember to look after yourself, eat well, sleep when you can, it is worth taking a visit to a Doctor too, just to assess your wellbeing.

When you feel you can't handle it go for a walk, take a shower, get outta the way, stay calm, cool & collected. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Ktulu

Here are the step by step instructions posted by another <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> back in September
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation many of us have been there and we know how desperate it is for you.

Some good news is that you are in the right place here at MB to begin to recover your life and your relationship. You may want to use the busier 'General Questions II' forum though.

One big thing to realise is that short of locking up your WW, you cannot actually STOP her from continuing the affair BUT the affair is likely to end soon anyway.

If you DID lock her up this would certainly only temporarily halt the affair until you let her go.

Plan A is the most counter-intuitive behaviour on the planet but it has been proven to work in thousands of relationships over the years the Harleys have been counselling.

Look here http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
for a summary of plan A , then search on this forum for posts by Ark, Worthatry and other wise heads that explain far better than I can about Plan A.

If all this sounds 'not enough' remember it took a while for your M to hit a spot where an affair happened, you will not fix it by Saturday night.

The GOOD news is you can start Plan A'ing right away !

Be calm, and try to choke down the panic and hurt you feel. Then say to your WW something like this I told my FWW :

" I want very much to work on our marriage, as I recognice that although I'm not responsible for your infidelity, I played a part in the state of our marriage.

However before we can work on our marriage, the affair must end and you must never gain have contact with the man.

When you see him or contact him you knowingly twist a knife in my heart AND you deliberately prevent work on our M recovery from beginning.

I will not pysically stop you from continuing the affair, because I love you and would not have you SHACKLED to our marriage, but instead staying within by choice. Just know that you are deeply and deliberatly hurting and humiliating someone who loves you very much by contacting the OM."

Then, whatever her response, hunker down to making your home and your life a welcoming place for her to return to.

STUDY, do not just read the case studies on here. I will include a post of my own regarding plan A here to start you off.

All blessings to you, and know you CAN RESCUE your marriage using MB !


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Your instinct as a BS is to be angry, indignant, sad, fearful, reactionary etc and no-one could blame you. However actions supporting these emotions will REINFORCE the fantasy in your WS warped mind that you are a worse bet as a life partner than the OP and that the A was justified.

* You may feel 'better' by venting, doing the vengeance dance etc, but this will almost certainly fatally break your relationship.

* Plan A is a carefully calculated response to the fact of an affair that recognises the strengths and weaknesses of the BS position at this time, and who wants to save their M. It is NOT instinctive, in fact it is counter-intuitive, but it works if adhered to. To use MaddyKs analogy :scratching poison ivy rash feels SO GOOD but causes nothing but grief. Instinct does not always help in complex situations.

* FACT a BS cannot directly stop an affair unless they kill or kidnap one or both infidels, and thats not usually recommended by MC

* FACT NEITHER is a BS as helpless as they think they are, and has an armoury of weapons to use. Plan A bundles these for use in a proven strategy.

* Plan A recognises the uncomfortable reality that although the BS is IN NO WAY responsible for the A and that an A is NEVER JUSTIFIED or OK the BS HAS contributed to the marital environment being ripe for an A. This is a major thing to choke down for most BS ( it was for me!) , but its also a major enabler to recovery. Once you know what broke in YOU you can start fixing it.

* Using tools such as exposure the affairs bindings can be exposed to the light. Typically A's only make sense in a by-the-hour highway motel for two hours at a time when only the lying infidels listen to each others fog drivel and 'lets pretend' sex. Exposure to OPs significant other, and carefully targeted family and friends and colleagues forces this shaky, sex-justfying bag of fluff to the scrutiny of the real world. In MOST cases, the bindings disappear like vampires in the sun leaving the infidels 'love affair' looking like the tawdry, cowardly alternative to fixing a flagging marriage that it truly is.
And YES exposing is counter intuitive too, but it WORKS !! see now ?

* So when the A is exposed as a shabby thing, Plan A also makes sure that you, the BS have ALREADY and PROACTIVELY recognised the failings in your behaviour and demeanour that led to the marriage flagging and made a start at fixing them. You have also patently disarmed your WS by not being violent, disrespectful, unforgiving nor any of the other things that they expected and FEARED you would be. In fact you raised your game SIGNIFICANTLY as spouse material and they begin to notice it, really.

* WSs fear that with the death of the A, they have no safe place to go, not the OP and certainly not home to face the judgment and wrath of the BS they have hurt do much....except the BS has done everything possible to provide a place of calm safety for the WS to return to. My own FWW thought it was a trick! She couldn't believe the loving and non-hudgmental "nest" I'd made for her when she felt she deserved it so little...through Plan A I'm a better Dad than I've been in years, a better listener and more thoughtful of my FWWs needs. Plus MUCH slimmer, fitter and more buff ( GgrrrrOOOWWWLLLLL ! )

* SOME A's bindings are stronger than others and SOME WSs find it harder than others to return home, so plan A may not always work at killing the A and providing a sanctuary for the WS to recover in. Thats when plan B kicks in. Plan B REMOVES the sanctuary , love , forgiveness and support so carefully built and demonstrated in PLAN A from the WS. You do a good plan A and you will be REALLY missed, while OM looks everyday more like the unreliable, lying betrayers they always are.

* See how it works ? By choosing to lay down your righteous indignation in plan A you are in NO WAY a doormat any more than spying for the Allies made brave intelligence folks in WW2 Nazis. You are bravely and deliberately overruling your primal instinct in support of the marriage God gave you and you gave to God and each other.

* STUDY(not just read) SAA, HN/HN , this site, the old heads stories and become aware of the dynamics of affairs. Deconstruct your own situation and apply the principles to it. Knowledge is power. Understand that affairs are JUST LIKE medical conditions, the symptoms, prognosis and cure are all utterly predictable in most cases. Your sitch feels unique BUT IT AIN'T ! THIS STUFF HAS WORKED FOR THOUSANDS OF COUPLES IN EXACTLY YOUR SITCH !

* Finally I have said before that Plan A is a heroes gig and I still think so. For a 'silverback' like me the easy way is to go crashing around hitting people , suing people and making lives bad. Instinct isn't bravery.

Bravery is doing what is needed, however uncomfortable, frightening and counter-instuitive to rebuild a stable loving platform for all involved in the mess of an affair.

Even if Plan A and Plan B doesn't recover your M , it will leave you a much more "examined" person able to move on in life and not repeat the errors that contributed to the problems in the M.


I hope I have helped explain my take on Plan A. And to close, Plan A has worked UP THE WAZOO for us so far so I'm not talking theory.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Man, you are so controlling and judgmental. You have no emapthy for your wife whatsover. And as somebody already said it here - who are you married to? Your wife or your mother? I'm really sorry your mother is sick but you need to put your wife first in every situation. She left her whole life, friends, everything she knew and loved for you. You have no idea how magnificent that is. Would you be willing to do that for her? Honestly? Maybe this is your turn to leave everything for your wife?!!! You have no right to demend her staying with you and giving up her dreams for you. That's not right.
And what's upi with the line that "you will send her to her home country"? Is she a package, a thing? Man, you have serious issues! I'm not very suprised that your wife had an affair.

Ktulu, thank you for generously donating time and effort to provide a weighty response. I appreciate it. It's very difficult to get all of the details posted here, and, as a result, many of your observations don't apply. Some of them are helpful, though. Thanks.

The intent of my post was to explore MY options. My wife can do whatever she wants (she obviously has done that so far), the question was, in essence, can a marriage be realistically repaired after an affair, when the wayward spouse's priority is not on rebuilding the marriage but on her career, especially with the long-distance element thrown in.

Thoughts on this subject are much appreciated.

MTD, thanks for posting, although I haven't found your advice very helpful.

To answer your last question, the US immigration law will require my wife to return to her home country if we proceed to divorce. I will not be "sending" her home per se, but the final effect is pretty much the same. Being that English is not my native language, perhaps I made a mistake in constructing this particular sentence you took an issue with.

Re being judgemental and controlling, I hope you recognize that everyone who has an opinion (including you) has a judgement as well. As for control, all I am trying to do right now is to control myself. That's why I invited this discussion of MY options.

In any case, thanks for posting.

MTD
It is clear that 1CGs situation has triggered bad thoughts in you.

If I may say 1CGs situation with his Mom ill is very different to the needful and unhealthy relationship your husband has with HIS mother that is causing so much sadness in your life.

You are entitled to your opinion of course, but you have done nothing here with your comments than make a person who is as sad as you are even more sad.

Please don't make your hurt a communicable disease by posting unthinkingly on these boards.

Why not try discussing your own situation more widely here, maybe on general questions 2 where there is more traffic ?
All blessings

Hi 1Coolguy

Glad you are able to take only what applies.

Here to help if at all possible.

Have you tried the Emotional Needs Questions?
Print them out - it's very interesting to see our spouses view of how they feel we are being 'there' for them, the flip side is, if she is on form, she will get a glimpse into how you feel she is 'there' for you too.
Emotional Needs Questions

Note on marriages & distance - you already know it works - YOU BOTH DID IT - YOU BOTH HAD IT - YOU CAN HAVE IT AGAIN.

The big question can it happen with only one spouse interested?

Are you sure she is absolutely NOT interested?

Can you do anything now, to increase her interest in being married with you & support her in her choice?

Sometimes you have to let someone go to be free to come back to you.

I know I wished at the time anyone of my husbands friends would have sat & listened to him, helped him find reality, and do some deep soul-searching as to his own reasons & justifications for the choices taken, years later he now says he so wanted that too at times.

His friends did offer to help him get his brain into gear in a non-surgical way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I wish you luck

Hello KTulu,

Ironically, I discovered the Emotional Needs and LB Questionnaires several weeks before finding out about the affair. I filled them out before she got back to the US, she did it shortly thereafter.

Interestingly, she rated her satisfaction with our marriage much higher than I did, probably because I wasn't happy with her being gone for three months at the time I filled the ENQ out.

Re marriages & distance, my question is, does it work after BS' trust is shattered? Or, is substantial recovery of trust absolutely necessary before letting go?

"The big question can it happen with only one spouse interested? Are you sure she is absolutely NOT interested?"

Of course she's interested. The problem is, she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Much like in the situation with the affair, this job situation highlights her inability to give up smaller things, no matter how destructive they may be to the really "big" stuff she wants as well.

Re "Can you do anything now, to increase her interest in being married with you & support her in her choice?", she does want to be married to me. She won't agree to a divorce. To her, being married doesn't necessarily mean looking out for my interests, but rather subordinating them to things she wants, so she can get what she wants, sometimes at my expense. She told a marriage counselor that her top priorities were 1) career, 2) romantic relationship that provided unconditional acceptance and friendship, 3) exciting social life. When queried by MC on 2, she said our marriage fulfilled it.

With this set of priorities, do you think letting go makes sense? Or, am I just kidding myself thinking this marriage is salvageable?

Re her friends' role, her closest girlfriend is 100% supportive, unconditionally. In other words, she justifies everything my wife does. I see this GF as a big negative influence. Unfortunately, I don't know how to lessen her role in my wife's life. Any suggestions?

Again, thanks for empathy and helpful advice.

Hi 1Coolguy - just feel like this icon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> is now yours <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ps your language is brilliant, better than mine at times, & I'm a English speaker when not using Anglo Saxon (native for cursing) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Down to the Biz:

The questionnaires applied at that time sorry to say probably do not represent the current feelings in both of you.

Perhaps do them again. Then take yourself off for a walk... it can be hard not to feel defensive and especially hard not to react so, be as you are calm, cool & collected. Stick with facts in response if you feel yourself getting agitated.

"she does want to be married (romantic relationship that provided unconditional acceptance and friendship), to me. She won't agree to a divorce." hello did you read that?

Oh yes I see, you are not No.1 on the list right now. You have no children, she has been dependent on you for the last 15 months, screwed up badly, is scared of being divorced and now has a chance to make something of her career which you have called one-of-a-kind opportunity & she understandibly wants to take it - upsetting yes, the end of a marriage not necessarily.

I have no experience in rebuilding trust with long distance, but I am thinking there are a lot of service/military etc. people on these boards who have faced similiar situations & have pulled through successfully. General Questions has a lot more traffic & may catch one of those experienced with distance & rebuilding trust.

Plan A was to end the affair - that's done.

Is your job structured in a way that you could move with her & support her in her new career & strange lonely city? Would she welcome that you?

Reading your words, I can see you both love each other very much, & both want to make every effort to maintain the relationship.

There are a few things going on here you need to break it down to specifics for your self & wife, and what is best for both of you, & especially how each of you are going to fulfill your roles as wife & husband, your expectations may not be the same right now, but what are your independent & joint goals for 2 years, 3 years, 5 years, the next decade, right upto & beyond retirement.

The urgent decision for your wife seems to be get back to earning an income, where she feels respected & capable & employable."she needs this high-profile assignment on her resume"

There is a secondary notion here that a lot of women feel, it is to be financial self sufficient. Giving that the threat of divorce & repatriation is looming over her head. She is young jumping for the job first - purely for security seems logical - it's garunteed. Remaining at home may seem unbearable, dreading the day the divorce papers might come, sent penniless & unwanted, tarnished, away.

I hope you have expressed to your wife that you really do want to be her husband, love, honor, work through this cr2p together, and support her in being the best person she can be.

Seems unfair I know the betrayed party suffers, so does the adulterer, loss of dignity, integrity, self respect, shame, guilt, your wife may not even be able to express those feelings right now, she could actually be afraid to trust you with her heart.

Can you step back & be her friend/confidante again?

"we had a long-distance romance for about a year, and it was the most intense love story (I actually agree). " - this may be your hope.

Best of luck K

Hey Bob Pure and the Author of this Post!
You are absolutely right - this post triggered a lot of emotions in me and what I wrote sounds kind of bitter. You're right. I apologize for that!!!!
The truth is though that we both know that the real issue here is not The Author's relationship with his mother. That's minor. In the end of the day it doesn't really matter if the married couple will move to the other coast together or The Guy will stay where he is at. The point for me is that She has an incredible opportunity and it's just not right when somebody has to give up their dreams for somebody else all the time. She already left her home country, her family, her friends, her life to start all over again here. My friend did that and I tell you it wasn't easy. Four years later she still feels out of place and lonely.
If they had kids, it would be a bit different - if you have kids, you do what's best for the whole family. But if you don't - you always have to work it out so that both people are happy with what they're doing. One cannot expect the other to always accomodate to his needs. It's a two way street.
And I just don't like the way The Author writes about his wife - "I will send her to her home country," or "the grandmother wouldn't believe what her little granddaugther is up to." It's just sounds very sarcastic and sarcasm is not a good medicine for healing a relationship that has been through so much already.
The Author of the Post!!! If I was you I would let your wife take that job. She will resent you if you don't - sooner or later. And if you love her and she loves you it won't be a deal breaker.
You guys survived the affair!!! You forgave her, right?! (Which is a huge deal in my understanding - not many people would still want to be in a marriage after something like that!!! I admire that. I don't know if I could do that. Honestly.) You have to understand that your forgiveness should be free, no strings attached. It's not like she has to pay for the affair by not taking the job. If that's your way of thinking - forget it! Believe me, if that's the road you will choose, you will soon realize that the job is not enough for you and you will want her to pay some more. And that leads nowhere.

The affair and the job are two different things that unfortunetaly happened at the same time. But if you love your wife you have to want the best for her. And believe me, it pays off. When the wife is happy, the marriage is going to be happy too!!!!!

Greetings, KTulu, and thanks for continued posting.

Ironically, your observations, guesses and thoughts about my wife are what I badly want to hear to make myself believe in the future with her...yet I cannot close my eyes to some realities that run counter to your optimistic and hopeful suggestions.

Unfortunately, my wife's value system included infidelity as an unpleasant yet common part of marriage, as based on her parents' and friends' experience. She never intended for me to find out, and her being upset and scared had more to do with acute embarassment than hurting me per se. Now she says she wants to change and be a "moral person"...can such change occur overnight, with no viable accountability plan and her loved one 2,000 miles away?

Her "one-of-a-kind opportunity" is indeed that, at her particular TV network. She doesn't want to put in the effort to get a job elsewhere, thus the need to move to the East Coast, since her network doesn't have an opportunity here.

Re "a lot of service/military etc. people on these boards who have faced similiar situations & have pulled through successfully. General Questions has a lot more traffic & may catch one of those experienced with distance & rebuilding trust", I posted my message on 5 boards, and got quite a few bits of advice from "experienced" people to just divorce her. I guess experience produces different kinds of judgements.

"Plan A was to end the affair - that's done."
Regretfully, what really ended the affair was not Plan A but me intimidating the other guy into dropping the whole concept of going near my wife. Plus, he spilled his guts under pressure and told me things my wife thought were going to his grave. Once she found out and talked to him, it made her believe he thought of her as a whore -- which he did. She became disgusted with him, thus ending the affair.

"Is your job structured in a way that you could move with her & support her in her new career & strange lonely city? Would she welcome that you?"

No, my job does not allow me to move. Further, it's my job that makes her able to accept this offer (her immigration status/job authorization is derivative of mine, and mine is through my company). Plus, with my mother's cancer diagnosed as metastatic, the situation is grave enough to postpone any travel indefinitely.

Re "There are a few things going on here you need to break it down to specifics for your self & wife, and what is best for both of you, & especially how each of you are going to fulfill your roles as wife & husband, your expectations may not be the same right now, but what are your independent & joint goals for 2 years, 3 years, 5 years, the next decade, right upto & beyond retirement.", I AGREE!!! I am always the one to bring all of this up. She doesn't have a clue, doesn't want to think about it and only wants to live in the moment. Our careers are divergent, mine is far more advanced than hers, so in my analysis things don't look good.

Re financial things, my wife is 100 times more affluent than any other 25-year old I know. She has substantial income from her inherited real estate and stacks of money in the bank. When she gave up her paycheck by moving to the US, I set up a TV newsgathering company for her so she could freelance for her network. How do you think she got to the position of being offered her dream job? She didn't invest a penny of her own money, yet replaced 100% of the income she used to get back home.

Forget "Remaining at home may seem unbearable, dreading the day the divorce papers might come, sent penniless & unwanted, tarnished, away."...she's got everything -- a job, money, etc. -- she just wants more.

Re "Can you step back & be her friend/confidante again?"...I never stopped being that. I even advise her on job offer negotiations.

Bottom line, regardless of what I wish for her, how do weigh risks and rewards of supporting her decision? Do I deserve a break too?

coolguy,

My husband's career has repeatedly meant that we have been separated over and over for long periods of time to advance his career (which is very important to him). The worst...was for a year. I would be lying if I told you that those times weren't challenges. They also resulted in some pretty icky infidelities. We did survive and are now happily married...but long separations, especially for marriages already in crisis are a really crummy idea, of course expecting your wife to give up the chance of a lifetime is a pretty crummy idea too.

BUT...and this is a huge BUT....I'm not sure what is the bigger threat in this scenario (and my situation was similar) the RESENTMENT that passing up a fantastic once in a lifetime business opportunity will bring, of the ESTRANGEMENT that long separations often cause. START to figure out where the WIN/WIN scenario is in this. If your wife stays with you and she is extremely unhappy...you don't win anyway.

If I were in your situation...mine was complicated by children and pregnancies so we had very little freedom/flexibility....I would consider coming to an agreement using the POJA (just because your wife cheated doesn't mean you get to make demands or make threats) to make this separation as workable as it can be and the least damaging so that your marriage can survive. Here's what I mean. She'll make more salary right? Okay...instead of using that to pay off mom's bills...consider using it for TRAVEL. Make a POJA agreement for how many visits you can afford...you and your wife travel to see each other X times a month/year so that you two can remain connected. In between those trips, you make an agreement about how often to call and write. You agree on what kind of recreational activities will make you feel insecure or safe while she is alone. You each do your best to fill ENs from afar...and have long weekends when you can do that in person. The truth is...that if your wife becomes unfaithful during this year away...there isn't much hope for your marriage of only 15 months in the first place.

This is a nasty quandary. Oh, and I wanted to say....your English is very good my friend...better than many of the native speakers who post here!

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))

I sure know how you feel....I've had to make this same decision MANY MANY times over my 21 year marriage....3 months here, 6 months there...evacuations, coup d'etats....family and marriage constantly challenged. Your wife may get to this new job and never want to come back...and that's a very difficult option to face. But if you read my tagline, you'll know that there is absolutely nothing you can do to control that...and if you try...you lose anyway.

Good Luck and blessings

<small>[ October 30, 2004, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Greeting, star*fish, and thanks for advice.

I appreciate your sharing the story of your marital challenges. If I may ask this, was infidelity considered a deal breaker when you got married, and if so, how did you overcome it?

Re "expecting your wife to give up the chance of a lifetime is a pretty crummy idea too," my wife and I see this very differently. To her, this is something that is given only once, a Godfather-type offer you can't refuse. I treat my wife with respect and do not challenge her perception of reality, but to me, it's clearly faulty. To me, this offer is a direct result of her hard work and my able efforts to promote her talent. She couldn't get to the position of getting this offer without my help. If you're good at what you do, offers will continue.

Frankly, I don't see WIN/WIN here with POJA, because I can't understand how a troubled marriage can recover with 2,000 miles thrown into the equation.

The truth is, as you write, "...that if your wife becomes unfaithful during this year away...there isn't much hope for your marriage of only 15 months in the first place." Absolutely, and I can't really say I want to find out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

To protect myself legally and financially if she decides to go, I want to ask for a legal separation. What do you think of such an idea?

Hi coolguy,

Yes, I always felt that infidelity was a deal breaker. My story is long and the conditions that occurred to make me willing to move forward are just as long.

Re "expecting your wife to give up the chance of a lifetime is a pretty crummy idea too," my wife and I see this very differently. To her, this is something that is given only once, a Godfather-type offer you can't refuse. I treat my wife with respect and do not challenge her perception of reality, but to me, it's clearly faulty. To me, this offer is a direct result of her hard work and my able efforts to promote her talent. She couldn't get to the position of getting this offer without my help. If you're good at what you do, offers will continue.

You've made many good points here and this is one of them. And I have zero qualms about you weighing the needs of your marriage against the needs of her career. I was not successful in doing so. Oh I tried....but during those stages of his life, my H was very unyielding about his career. I probably should have stood my ground firmer....but we had very small children and the risks were very high. That's something you don't have yet to worry about.


Frankly, I don't see WIN/WIN here with POJA, because I can't understand how a troubled marriage can recover with 2,000 miles thrown into the equation.

It DOESN'T help a troubled marriage to separate the spouses with 2,000 miles...but neither does creating extreme resentment help a troubled marriage. The win/win would be in creating an enviroment where your spouse doesn't resent you and you still put the planning in place to remain connected by travelling. If that's not possible...then you can pick the hill you want to die on...but you have to remember...that sometimes you die.

The truth is, as you write, "...that if your wife becomes unfaithful during this year away...there isn't much hope for your marriage of only 15 months in the first place." Absolutely, and I can't really say I want to find out. [Frown]

Yeah...you're right...and who would. But my sense is that your wife is extremely unhappy and that if you try to make a her choose between this job and you....you'll choose the job. What do you think? If she's determined to go...you can't stop her...but why not look for a solution that takes her feelings into account...and leaves the door open to the marriage?

To protect myself legally and financially if she decides to go, I want to ask for a legal separation. What do you think of such an idea?

I think that this must be your choice chere. But I'd like to see if you two can weather this challenge before you give in. If she insists on going....see if it's possible...if it becomes strained and awful, there's time enough to file. My big worry is that if insist she stays...things will still be strained and awful.

Look cool....you aren't the bad guy here. Your wife is going to try and paint you as one though. There is a huge risk for letting her take this job...but are you sure the risk for insisting she stay is less? How is she reacting? How angry is she? How much is blaming everything on you?

You do have one other strategy to try. How can you make her enthusiastic about staying? What do you think make her vulnerable to an affair? What began as the romance of the century has turned into a life of lonliness and obligation and that job looks like a nice ticket out....what can you do to make staying more attractive than that?

And can you do it....while you're this angry?

(((((((((((((cool))))))))))

Star*fish, greetings, and thanks for helpful advice.

Re your comment "Look cool....you aren't the bad guy here. Your wife is going to try and paint you as one though. ... How is she reacting? How angry is she? How much is blaming everything on you? , interestingly, we are treating each with a weird, yet civil, mix of affection, criticism, frankness and humor. I feel we are on the level with each other, and do not detect much blame directed my way.

My marriage boundary is not set in concrete at "IF your wife leaves you, after she's cheated, and while your mother is sick...you will consider that abandonment and will end the marriage." What I am hesitating about is being way too flexible. In one of our frank discussions, my wife told me she fell in love with me because I had a solid moral core of principles that was not corroded by travails of life. Since she did not not view herself as a moral person, she felt she needed somebody like me in her life. Now, what would be the effect of me basically compromising my principles and accommodating her to the hilt, to the detriment of our marriage?

After I read your comment, "I also get the sense....that by cheating your wife was trying to tell you this: "I feel neglected and lonely. I am isolated and experiencing culture shock. My only joy is my job. The idea that I have nothing to look forward to besides caring for your mother who is dying of cancer is very scary for me. Now I have this job opportunity, so on top of how bad I was feeling before the A, the shame of you finding out...now I have to pass up this great opportunity too! I'm ready to walk away if you tell me I can't.", I asked myself whether I could be so wrong after talking with my wife about the subject matter for hours. I really don't think I am, though.

Very simply, my wife had an affair because it was OK in her value system, she felt like doing it, and never thought I'd find out. Now she says she wants to change because she knows she loves me, the affair was not worth anything because the guy thought of her as a cheap whore, and that she is doesn't have a future without me. She tells me that, should our marriage fail, she will never have a family, and her love life will be reduced to a string of one-night stands. For whatever reason, she doesn't want this outcome.

So, knowing all I do, what is a sensible course of action here? I hate to see our lives diverge without a reasonable path to come together again.