My husband has said his affair is over. But he still isn't willing to come home. He said he has lost all desire for me. He works out of town most of the week and usually only sees us on the weekends. We have two kids (ages 6 and 10). When he is in town he spends the night at his apartment.

I don't know what to do next. Is it just over? He says that he has no desire for me but wants the kids. Yet when the kids and I went to the movie last night, he wouldn't come along. He was too tired.

I am confused and tired. I don't want my marriage to fail but feel at a loss. It has actually gotten worse since the affair ended. He still won't work on us. He said he would work on us but then he won't even spend time with me. He won't go to counseling. Advise please.

Thank you,
Alesa

Alesa,

Have you tried plan A or B?

Yes, my husband won't really talk to me but I'd like to think that plan A is why my husband left her. Although I wouldn't be surprised if she just got tired of him not committing to her.

I found out about the affair around Christmas last year. He has said he had left her then but never emotionally came home. I found out in July that he was still seeing her. He moved out of our house in March because he just was so unhappy here. His apartment is here in town althought the affair occurred in a town about 3 hours from here. From what I know, she hasn't been up here to visit. He kept the affair down there. He spends atleast 3 to 4 nights a week, sometimes longer in that town. He does that for work and unfortunately that won't be changing soon.

Because of some behavioral changes, I think the affair is over. But he still isn't working on us. He still isn't accepting me at all. He said he just has no desire for me anymore. He doesn't know how to come home. He doesn't want to come home and just be angry but he doesn't want to talk about what is bothering him either.

In the past year, I have had two friends have marital problems and both have ended in divorce. Both thought that filing for divorce was their only/best option. When both filed their lives became really difficult, both husbands resented and used against them the fact that they filed. Both are having difficultly with the fathers taking part in the kids lives.

We are already seperated, so I am concerned about going any further. I think he has only been away from her for about three weeks. I am at a loss about what I can do next.

Any advise is appreciated.

Thank you.

I would advise that you do a Plan A for 3 months. Although living apart is not ideal, it is telling that he has not just up and left to be with OW. From what I understand, he could just move to the town where he works, right?

For some reason, he hasn't. It might be that he is no longer seeing OW, it could be that he knows she is not the answer, either, OR it could be that he knows what he did was wrong, but really wants to stay married to you.

I would assume the latter. Okay, Plan A steps:

1. Take care of yourself. Take a walk. Read a new book. Call up a friend. Go out for a coffee. Is there something you've been meaning to do, but didn't have time? Find someone to watch the kids for a couple of hours a week. Figure out how to get your own needs met. This is very important if you are going to do an effective Plan A. WS will not be able to meet your needs for a while, yet.

2. Stop all LBs. How has that been working? Do you constantly bug him about seeing OW? Do you keep begging him to come home? Do you whine about how sad you are? Stop. Right now. Plan A is about working on your own self esteem and part of that is to learn how to ask for what you need straightforwardly without any neediness or apology.

3. Accept that you cannot control your WS. We all come here wanting to make the A end, wanting WS to fall in love with us again, etc. You have to let all of that go. First of all, it makes us crazy people. Crazy people are not very attractive. Secondly, it doesn't get us anywhere. It's all wasted effort. Learn to be calm, assured. Yeah, it sucks that your WS had an A, but you are a strong woman who will do the right thing for her, her family, and her M.

4. Learn to be a friend to WS. That is what he needs right now. We think that the WS is out having fun with the OW, but alot of times they are so very torn. It sure doesn't feel like fun alot of the time. WS needs a safe place to be. Be that place for your WS. When you get a chance to talk to him, just ask how he is. Prepare yourself well enough that you won't get mad by anything he can say. Tell him that you understand he doesn't desire you right now, but you know you can find that passion again. He just needs to work with you a little.

5. Show him the way home. WS' can carry alot of guilt. First of all, they just can't understand how we can take them back. It just boggles the mind! So you may have to be patient. They can't believe you are serious until you've said it 9 million times or so. But most of all, they can't believe it until they see it. So be gentle in all your dealings with WS. Tell him you are willing to have him home even if he is angry. Tell him that you know it's mostly hurt and it will take time to heal, but you want to heal together.

6. You may have to wait awhile until he can talk to you about what happened. Are you still able to talk about other things? Can you talk about serious subjects such as your kids, etc? Work on talking about other stuff, you will get to the A soon enough.

7. Ask him to go to MC with you. And sign up for Retrouvaille.

((hugs)) to you.

Thank you IBC. That is just the kind of advise I needed to hear. I do recommend reading Janet Evanovich's books starting with One for the Money, they are a great diversion from life.

I finally have gotten to the point where I am not just a crumpling mass of emotion. I am getting stronger and unfortuately less caring. But until the last few weeks, I hadn't been able to control my emotions very well. I really was surprised and devistated by this whole thing. Then I saw an Ophra Show that was about affairs. The lady on the show was being so mistreated by her husband, she cared so much and he was being so bad. A psychologist told her she was being abused by her husband. It really hit home, I hadn't thought about it in those terms but it is true. That mind shift has given me strength.

You are right he could have moved to the town a few hours away but chose not to. Instead he moved into an apartment complex that we had lived in several years ago. We can talk about other things, he calls daily to see how the kids are doing. We talk then about his day and anything happening here. But we haven't really had a genuine conversation for a long time. It's more like I am the one who is asking questions, he is the one answering.

Thank you again for your advise. I am taking it to heart.

Alesa

I think sticking with your plan A is really good advice. While you say its you asking questions and him just answering them, its a step in the right direction.

Thank you. I will keep trying with Plan A. Your reassurance is nice. This is all so hard.