About 4 years ago I took a job promotion that included a relocation. I have four young kids. I know I took my wife for granted and ignored her emotional needs – big time. It was never intentional but looking back on it; I know how I neglected her and am ashamed at my behavior as a husband. About a year after the relocation I knew my marriage was suffering and rededicated myself to restoring my relationship with my wife. I was using the book "What Every Woman’s Desires" as my bible (a book my wife bought for me) and was seeing a marriage counselor. We went to two marriage counseling sessions together but my wife felt is was doing us more harm than good. I continued to see a counselor on my own. I was putting my heart and soul into our relationship for over two years. However, the harder I tried the further she pushed me away. My counselor said that she strongly believe my wife was having an affair. My counselor was right. Unknown to me, my wife met an unmarried man while at a bar when she went back home to visit friends. They soon began having a "long distance" affair. My WS would travel home for a week every 6 to 8 weeks to "see friends and family" or for "work". I normally took vacation or used a sitter to watch the kids when she was gone. This physical and emotional affair lasted for over 3 years. I suspected this for quite a while but had no "proof" and was frightened of the consequences of confronting her. About 10 weeks ago I found proof positive of the affair - love letters, pictures..ect. I was crushed. I confronted my wife and she admitted to the affair - how could she not with the evidence I had found. I begged her to forgive me for neglecting her and not giving her the love and attention she deserved. I begged her to stay. She had broken off the physical part of the relationship about 6 months previous but was still emotionally involved with this unmarried man. My wife said she was sorry and wanted to make our marriage work.
I am again working hard at rebuilding our marriage. I believe my wife loves me, but I can tell she is struggling. She shows little affection towards me, never initiates physical contact, and I believe she blames me for "pushing" her into the affair. She maintains contact with her ex-lover and keeps his love letters, cards and photos. This is almost more than I can withstand. I have told her so but she said she just can't severe contact with her ex-lover.
We were seeing a counselor but after 90 minutes of counseling he basically said that we both knew what we had to do and our expectations of marriage were basically congruent. I was shocked. During the two sessions my wife hardly said a thing. I admitted my fault in our difficulties and my responsibilities but she only said she was looking for the emotional support that I didn't provide.
Prior to D-Day, my wife expressed her desires to relocate back home. I knew at that time our marriage was in jeapordy and was willing to do almost anything to help save it. Thus, I began a job search to get back "home".
Shortly after D-day, I was offered a job back "home". Despite this putting us 45 minutes away from the OM, I agreed to accept the job since that is what we thought would be best for our family. It is what my wife passionately desires. I am giving up a solid reputation built over 12 years with a fantastic company but I feel as though I need to make an investment in our relationship.
However,over the past few weeks, I find myself more and more depressed every day. Although my wife and I talk more than we have over the past 4 years, she still does not confide in me or does not initiate any physical contact with me. I feel like I am falling into another deception. Once we relocate back to "home", she will start her physical relationship with the OM. She has already "deceived" me at least twice since D-Day concerning her communications with the OM. On both occasions when I confronted her she did not deny the incidents but significantly "downplayed" the situations.
She has said that her counselor said that I am being to "Controlling" and that I have an anger issue. She is seeing the same counselor who said we were fine after 90 minutes - I told him to his face that he was "missing the boat" and that he "had to be kidding". He also said it was inappropriate when I lost my temper during a discussion with my wife shortly after D-Day. (It was the one and only time)
Despite all of this I love my wife. I will fight for her and endure almost anything to prove my love to her. If she walks away then I know that I will have done everything possible to save our marriage. It is the most painful experience of my life. I have tried to put my ego, pride and self-respect aside.
I just don't know how long I can go on like this - waiting for "intimacy". In one month we move home. This has me scared as hell. I have told her that. She will not commit to not seeing the OM once we move home. She said he was too important at such a critical time in her life.
Any advice on how to handle my emotions, the situation, or how long I should wait for her to end her "emotional affair" with the OM would be appreciated.
