I am in Plan A with my WW. We are about five weeks from D day. She has said she will have NC with the OM, but has fallen off the wagon three times now. She just said she will do it again, but she's angry about it.

Help me know what to do in Plan A:

1) Do I keep telling her that I love her?

2) Do I try to hug/kiss her..show affection?

3) Do I keep doing nice things for her, bring her a flower every now and then, etc. even though she says she doesn't want me to do anything nice for her?

4) Do I call her and leave a message when I feel like it during the day, or do I give her space...

I feel your pain. My D-Day 9/19/2004. 17-years, 4 kids 10,10,7,5. My WW would not commit to NC. Although she has stopped the PA, She has admitted to contacting the OM after I asked her if she had. Hurts like hell. My WW A has gone on for almost 4 years. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. NO,NO,NO Love Busters! I have gotten "angry" once in the past two months since D-Day - made one LB comment and it set me back big time. I know it seems "backwards" but your WW is suffering also. She has a deep sense of loss and is in pain. I know my WW is. She has told me so. She cries for her OM.

I have told her how much her contact hurts me - drives a stake through my heart and that I don't want her to contact the OM. However, I said that my love is unconditional, and it is her decision. I just wanted to make it clear that it hurts but I still love her.

She initiated physical contact with me for the first time in 18-months. She had gotten home late from a board meeting - I put the kids to bed, fixed her her favorite cup of tea and rubbed her shoulders while she discussed her day. I didn't say a word. She turned and huged me. Quite possibly the best moment I have shared with my wife in the past 4 years.

Ask her what she wants. Be the same loving man you were when you first got married. Remember that high school crush you had?! Re-live it! Be yourself but be loving - unconditionally.
Keep making those love deposits, stay strong with plan A. NO LBs!! It is truly a roller coaster ride and I know I will continue to struggle but I won't give up.

God Bless.

HH, behaviour in each sit is different but:

1) Do I keep telling her that I love her?
I didn't. What does that phrase mean while an afair is active? I changed early on to say " I care for you". " " I want to be married to you". etc. THINK about what "ILY" actally MEANS while her affair is on going...

2) Do I try to hug/kiss her..show affection?
I did early on, then changed 180 degrees when she backed off. Again, it can make a BS seem needy and pathetic. bear in mind she is trying with all her vitality right now NOT to love you and so will not openly welcome affection even if she DOES deep down.

3) Do I keep doing nice things for her, bring her a flower every now and then, etc. even though she says she doesn't want me to do anything nice for her? absolutely ! I persistently bought flowers, did chores, ran candle baths...lots of very thoughtful things. When Squid spat out her unappreciation or threw the flowers in the bin I said " I'm doing these things because it pleases me to. You can accept them in any way you decide".She tells me NOW that she was VERY touched by my gestures and not a little hurt as it broke her self-delusion that I was an unromantic freak while OM was a charmer.

4) Do I call her and leave a message when I feel like it during the day, or do I give her space...
I found TXT messages were perfect. Partly because they were the main facilitator of her affair and I needed to reclaim them and partly because the format forces brevity and allows but not mandates a reply.

In fog squid would not accept calls from me.

You must monitor your WWs responses and change accordingly.

All blessings...