This past December I discovered that my wife was once again having an affair with the same man for a total of a little over 14 years. The "first" affair lasted approx. 5 years and was discovered on 10-10-1994. We renewed our marriage vows one year later on 10-10-1995. This past Dec. 2nd I discovered that she was involved with this same man and had been since approx. 6 months (she says) after renewing our vows. He called on her cellphone, she was upstairs so I answered it as a courtesy to her, and he hung up on me. I wrote the phone number down, waited a week praying, hoping, etc. that it was innocent, and called the number back only to get his answering machine. It took many many months to get what truth I know about this A so far but it was a full-blown emotional, physical, almost second marriage in it's scope. I've since learned it is referred to as an "emotional entanglement" affair. She still has attachment to him although she says the contact has ended and after 11 months of reading every book on the subject, MC, journaling, praying, counseling from our Pastors, etc., we are further from reconciliation than we were at the time of discovery. The whole bloody mess consists of 14 pages on the "In Recovery" forum under the title "Any hope left after wife's 14-year affair?" Now it's on to plan B, or A, I don't know.

I have asked her to leave this house and she is slated to do so tomorrow and go over to our oldest daughter's and son-in-law's house and stay in their basement. We have 2 grown children. I don't know what else to do at this point. The pain is beyond description. Any attempt to describe the hurt would fall miles short of how deeply I hurt.

I have tried everything in the book to get us past this, and that is probably a large part of why nothing is working. "I've" tried everything. She is sitting around "detached" from most of all the hurt that I feel. She won't let the "bubble" that she stays in burst so that I can be on the inside to work on this together. It's like she's keeping her options open in case I don't get "over it". I don't want her to leave but her being here in front of me not caring if I spend every other night crying on the floor without any attempt to comfort me is more than I can bear any longer. I am literally dying a cell at a time. I've cried a bucket of tears. I've tried everything I know to get close to her again but nothing is working. This appears to be the only option left.

I hurt almost all the time. I cry everyday. She is void of any expression of feelings about us or me and I cannot stand it any longer. I just can't stand to hurt like this any longer. I will be sad as heck and may be in for many more lonely nights but I have to try to get something to either go about the business of building a new marriage (the old one is quite dead) or moving forward with my life without her by my side. I love her. I really love her. I can seperate what she did from who she is but I need to know that she is "with me" in any effort to stay together. It seems like it's too late.

I have asked her to leave for 2 main reasons. #1 is I am not the one who has thrown our marriage away for 14+ years and #2 I can't think straight with her here around me day and night. I love her and it hurts like there's no tomorrow to love someone only to have that love ground under the feet of the one you love. I am so lonely, so sad, so amazed that this is even happening.

BTW, yes, I should have watched more closely and feel free to point that out to me if you wish but I never dreamed in my wildest imagination that anything was "going on". My W is a "person of the lie" and can move from truth to untruth without skipping a breath. I am not capable of doing so. I was caught flat-footed and still find myself in denial that this has really happened. She is in a league of her own when it comes to the old wool-pulling over the eyes routine.

IF you have any thoughts out there, please let fly. 2 X 4's are welcome too. I have posted in the "in recovery" forum since mid-September and many wonderful loving people have come along side of me and offered ideas and timeless wisdom. I can only hope to find a community like that here also.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone with anything I have written.

DLee

Hello,

This is just my opinion but a spouse that has engaged in a 14 years affair has showed clearly that she has no respect for you and your marriage. Her lack of compassion toward you after you finding out about this awful betrayal says it all. It is shocking what has happened to you. One can assume that she stayed with you for her material reasons. I am sorry but only a monster of some sort could do this to a spouse for 14 years. Maybe you should ask yourself why you wish to love a person that had no problem in disrespecting, humiliating, and putting your health at risk for 14 years? You deserve better!

Lee,

It's a no-brainer. You wanna save your marriage? I'm sorry to tell you but it seems like you had no marriage to begin with...or atleast you were going solo with your vows. Dismiss the ***** (I'm sorry I had to use this word but it fits her nicely), recover your sanity and self-esteem... and find somebody who truely loves you. Your emotional condition right now puts you at risk...medically.

My W left today. I'm not sad. I'm mad as a hornet. I agree with both who have answered me, our marriage is as dead as a doornail. It should be a decent burial and be placed squarely in my past.

Here in MD, where I live, we would have to not sleep under the same roof for a year to get a divorce unless she admits to the adultery. At one point she said that she would but I'll believe it when I see it.

I guess that most who read this don't know about all of the posts in the "In recovery" forum under the title "Any hope left after wife's 14 year affair"? If you care to get the details of what has brought me (us) to this point everything is there.

As I sit in this empty house (my W is staying with our oldest daughter) I don't miss her. I think that all of the damage that has been done since I discovered the infidelity in December has driven whatever love I still had for her out of my heart and now I am ready to move on, intellectually and emotionally. I must say though, I never in my wildest imaginations thought that anything could hurt so much. I've cried a bucket of tears (not recently, though) when this story "broke". I've never hurt with such ferocity and was caught completely off guard.

My W was living a double life. All I was in the mix for was to support her living conditions and provide for her. I've been told thousands of lies over the years and still I wanted to try to make it work. I have given up and now intend to work on only me.

DLee

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

What is there to say.I appreciate your pain. I discovered without warning too.I had no idea that my h had been unfaithful. For 30 years he acted the part of a faithful husband to perfection.

I was devastated at the time, it is now nearly 4 yrs and I am just about to turn the corner. The other day I was not even thinking about it and I felt her fly away.

She has been sitting on my shoulder like a vulture for 3 + years and I had an almost physical sensation that a weight had suddenly lifted from my right shoulder and flown away.

For you at the moment things are bad but it cant be any worse it can only get better.
Good Luck with plan B.

PS It is vitally important to look after your health take the time to concentrate on getting well you are no 1 from now on.

<small>[ November 29, 2004, 12:47 AM: Message edited by: H2O ]</small>

Dennis,

Does she stop A ?, Does she in NC now ?. I didn't get it from the last 2 pages of your thread.

-rh-