I've been reading Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving An Affair." Alot of the information and examples point directly to what my husband and I are going through. My husband and I live 3.5 hours away from each other due to our careers for the past 8 months and during the time away he had his affair. I've known about the affair because he came out and told me 2 months ago. During that time he did tell me that the affair was over but couldn't understand why I kept insisting that he needed to cut all contact with her since they were still friends. When he told me that, gut instinct kicked in and had the feeling that he was still having the affair - confirmation came 1 month ago when I caught him at her home. For the past month, it's been so difficult and I just don't know what to do.

I've asked him if he knew what he wanted and all he tells me is that he wants me in his life, but doesn't know if he wants us together. That's not an answer. I've told him that we needed to talk about us and all he tells me is that he knows. I did ask him to rank the 10 emotional needs but with his answers, how are we supposed to work on fulfilling each other's emotional needs when; 1) we don't live together? and 2) when he doesn't want to talk about our relationship?

I'm at my wits end. Feels as though he is just stringing me along. Any advice!

how are we supposed to work on fulfilling each other's emotional needs when; 1) we don't live together?
Do everything to move back together (not "close" but in the same house).

2) when he doesn't want to talk about our relationship?
See above answer.
Which is more important. Career or marriage?
(most people don't lay on their deathbed saying, "I wish I had spent more time at work!")

The problem with moving to his city is that I would be unemployed and with the holidays and economy, I wouldn't be able to find a job probably until after the first of the year. I have been looking for a job in his area for the past 3 months and unfortunately haven't had any luck.

When I've asked my husband if he wanted me with him, he tells me that he doesn't know. I've even gone to the extent and asked if I could move in with him so that the job hunt would be easier - no reply on his part - he's still finding an answer.

So in your experience, am I barking up the wrong tree? Should I give him his space and wait until the affair dies a natural death? Right now, I don't know if the affair is still on-going. I have no gut instinct on this anymore, I can't seem to read him and since we don't talk on a daily basis, I basically don't know what's going on in his life. I haven't talked to him since last Tuesday. And everytime I get the courage to call him, I back down because I "feel" as though I'm intruding on his life. Any advice?