Wow, I am amazed at all of the similar stories I have been reading in these forums. It is good to know that there is help out there.

I need some help if anyone is willing.

Me -> The idiot husband who put on allot of weight and forgot how to listen to his wife.

Her -> The crazed wife who lost allot of weight and asked idiot husband to join her in the process.

Both -> People who have not known how to communicate EN to the other. Ones that use anger to communicate instead.

My WW has know OM for about 7 years I think. They met at OM's then GF now BW's party. I knew that my WW had been in contact with OM on and off since we got together. I was slightly jeleous but thought it was my bad and kept the feelings stuffed inside.

Out marriage has never been 'hot' with passion since I moved in quickly (after only 2 months of serious dating) with her and her 2 children. Within a couple of weeks of me moving in we knew she was pregnant and 2 months later we got married on our lunch break. (What mis-guided souls we were then).

On D-Day I found out a couple of hours before being told that they had been having an electronic affair that had turned physical (I had a legitamite reason for looking around on our computer and found 8 months worth of emails). The electronic affar had been going on for 8 months prior to the physical affair. She pretty much made it clear from that day for the next 3 weeks that our marriage was over (even though she did waiver back to me several times).

We live 250 miles from OM so they saw each other when she went to visit family while I stayed home to be able to keep up with work responsibilites.

My WW kept going back and forth between me and him. OM kept winning out for most of 4 weeks. Finally she ended the active affair and we started over on our 4 year anniverssary.

Since D-Day I have found a reason to love her more and more every day. I think she has been a little suprised at how I have been fighting for her and for us.

I have been in Plan A mode for the most part since D-Day. I have done the best I could and recognize every day that I must do better.

I readily admit to my mistakes in the past as soon as I am able to realize them. She has even admitted some of her's as well.

I really feel that if we both get on the boat we will have a wonderful love affair for the rest of our days on earth and beyond.

We have been through many of the cycles that others have been through. Right now we are at the point of learning how to fight better. We have stopped going to be mad like we did all the time before the A.

The only threat to our marriage that I have control over is myself.

My insecurities make me obssesive and compulsive and manifest themselves by to much snooping, to many expectations of where she/me/we should be right now with healing, stupid questions that probably make her think I am a certifiable wack job, etc.

I have been doing better, but I have been hovering to much and have probably asked to often if she has had contact with OM.

I love my wife with all my heart. I refuse to be a door mat for her weird vision of her being able to keep a friendship with OM.

I am having day to day problems blending these 2 things together in a way that works for me or for her.

I have been to counseling 2 times so far. The first time was for myself and my need to stop being obsessive in my thought patters. The counselor kinda highjacked my intent and has steered me towards family counseling (which was in future plans anyway). He told me to invite WW to the second session. I did and she declined, even though since then she has made a more enthusiastic commitment to go on the next appointment.

So the next appointment is almost 2 weeks away becuase of scheduling conflicts.

I must continue to get better with meeting her EN even though we will not have benefit of a profesional for a while.

We have not yet done any of the questionnaires even though we have talked about it.

Will some one please coach me on how to continue to develop Plan A and hold me accountable for it?

My first goal is to act in such a manner that makes it manditory and safe for her to finish with the affair by changing her cell phone number and deleting all 'secret' email/IM accounts whithout me verbaly demanding it.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me on this first goal?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Plan A takes awhile. Right now the only one you can change is you. So work on that and don't expect any results right now.

She will be noticing the changes, but will probably not be too appreciative.

You can also spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together. That is advised by the Harley's and seems to help folks.

I hear ya.

I am working hard on me. Part of my problem is that I am probably ADD and I am for sure passive/aggressive. I also know that our family is locked in a shame cycle.

I come across to her as a baby when in PA mode. I feel like a little kid when in PA mode. I hate it and she hates it.

I am going to get to a doctor that can help with the ADD and depression side affects.

I am doing my best to get to a place where I don't come across as a baby or as 'big brother'.

When we actually talk I know I can trust and believe her. I just want to be able to control my unrealistic suspicions and controlling behaviours.

I feel like we are falling in love again, harder this time too (at least for me). I know that love is not enough and want to change all of my negative behaviours as fast as possible. I want to be the man I need to be for myself first and then for her and our children.

I feel like there is allot of hope for us, more than ever before in our marriage. I am also scared that I am to late. It is so confusing.

I just want someone to give me all the answers and know that no one can.

When you say that Plan A takes awhile I want to ask how long that is, but again I know that 'awhile' is subjective.

I have her with all my heart and I know she loves me alot also. It just sux it took me so long to wake up to where we were headed.

As far as her being appreciative. I judge that she is. She tells me that she is proud of me for kicking the smoking habit and starting a diet. I think she is still some what suspicious of my sincerity for behaviour changes, but I am and I know only time will prove that.

All I really know is that alot of time has passed in the last 7-8 weeks. Seems like years, but I feel that I am doing the right thing.