I have been trying to find more information on ending the *addiction* of an affair. I know there must be some *tips* someplace to help during the weak moments.

Any advice????

It depends on who you are. The BS or WS. Need a little more info.

I'm the WS...Wayward?? I am the one having the affair. I do feel this is an addiction, and with information that I have discovered today...If I dont' absolutely break this off, I'm crazyier than I thought!! I just need to know HOW, without caving in to my old habits.

You being here is a big step. It shows you want to save your marriage. I wish I had woke up and found this site sooner then I did

I know this is hard, but confess. Tell your spouse, NOW.

Read up on EVERYTHING you can on this site.

I really can't do that. I know you will think *then I don't want to save my marriage*..but I think I really do. My H has an anger issue that we are going to marriage councelling for.

A long time ago, he said in just general conversation that if somebody has an affair, they should just keep it to themselves and suffer instead of making the innocent party suffer too. I know it would devestate him if he knew what I had done.

We are getting along so much better and I have been reading books to help my own issues and am trying to accept his love for me instead of looking for reasons to justify what I have done.

Is there another step I can work on...without telling him. I know you will think I'm not wanting healed..but I am...but I CAN'T do that...not right now anyway.

Thanks for your replies. I do appreciate it.

Have you ended the affair?

Not *really*. In that fact, I mean...We live 1600 miles apart, so I don't see him but maybe once a year..but on emails and cell phones is where my addiction comes in..and those are done daily.

There are circumstances that I'm discovering about him, that he might be lieing to me etc..and I'm having doubts about if I can trust him. I want no part of what I have discovered, so I think this will be easier than I thought...but I would still like to have advice so I can be prepared.

Ok, I guess my next question is, do you want to end the affair and save your marriage or are you ending the affair because of something else?

It doesnt really matter, but if you are not ending it for your marraige you will fall into this trap again.

Both..

When I first started this post..I was ending it because his wife told him to end all contact with me...but now she is ok with it since we are just *friends*.

But...I am also ending it to save my marriage...or actually save myself is more like it. I have become obsessed with *their issues*.

I feel that I am very addicted to this person. Even though some very eye awakening events have taken place this week, in which I can actually say *I don't love you and don't ever expect me to be with you again.*...I still want to help him in his current life crisis (his wife is experimenting with *swinging*. Something he doesn't approve of ..which sound hypocritical..but he is not approving of her lifestyle and she is still doing it.. Its disfunction all the way around. I guess right now, I have been talking to him about seeing counceling, going to AA and getting his head on straight so he can make the right decisions. I guess I feel that I'm his friend in this time of need. We live in different states so the physical relationship isn't there...and I have told him "I cannot say I love you anymore" and he said he understood that, but appreciates me sticking around to help him think this all out..he has been in a *fog* with the recent events.

In the meantime, my H and I are seeing a christian councellor for his anger management. We are getting along better than ever and after this last week of feeling betrayed by my lover...I appreciate my husband that much more and am no longer looking for faults to justify my actions.

Not being rude, but dont you see a big problem here? If he doesnt like his wifes lifestyle, what does he think of the relationship with you? While you may not be having a PA and EA is just as dangerous to a marriage.

You need to end contact. For a couple reasons.

1) The relationship is a risk to your marriage.

2) OMs wife can use your relationship with her husband to justify her actions and lifestyle.

His family problems are only going to be compounded by your involvement with him. He tells you his wife says its ok with her because you are " only friends ". No the relationship is ok with her because it gives her an excuse to carry on as she has.

For the sake of both marriages end contact. You will also have to figure out a way to tell your husband. Maybe in MC or in the presence of people you can trust.

Ok...

So...if I do all that you suggest...What can I do to stop the addiction of this person. That IS the main problem why I couldn't stay away the other times we/I have tried to end it. The *missing* him is so strong, I get in such a depressed state, I can't even function. How do I get past that?? I want to be prepared so I can handle it different this time.

First of all you need to realize that its normal. Just like any other addiction. I just quit smoking on Thanksgiving, and the withdraw I went through when I started NC with the OW was almost as strong as the withdraw from the nicotine. The worse of my withdraw from her was over in about 2 weeks.

Maybe talk to your Dr about anti-depressents.

Sage

This whole situation is potentially dangerous for you. What if OM's wife contacts your H? I don't know of a solution for you but I can say that this web site and Dr. H's books and principles have saved my marriage. Read and act per this web site and follow the principles of MB.

Recovery can be joyous but only if based on honesty.

sage712,

Talk to your doctor to get med. to help you out throught withdrawal.

Identify why you did this ?, work on this w/ IC.

Identify your patterns when your are iching for contact and learn how to work it out.

I hope you see this counselor also to work on NC w/ OM. You have to tell your counselor about this A. If you admitt that you are addcited to OM then you need professional help to work it out. Fails to do so you just justifying your actions.

You did the first step ... acknowlegement, you need to take the second step ... admittance, take the secrecy out from it .... the next step is ammending everyone.

-rh-

If you read on this site and the Harley books about emotional needs, you may discover what needs continuing this relationship with the OM meets. This is a good start toward understanding yourself and why you are doing what you are doing. Any contact of any kind is continuing the A. You MUST cut off all contact immediately. Change your email, phone etc. Do it tomorrow, first thing.

At some point if you want a real, deep relationship with your H you will have to tell him. Perhaps you can enlist the help of your MC so that the anger management issues don't enter in.

sage,

If your H beleives that the WS [wayward spouse] keep the truth about his/her affair to him/herself to avoid hurting the BS, and he has anger issues that need to be resolved, then it might be prudent to hold off on telling him the truth until his anger management has progressed enough where you can feel safe in confessing it to him. But realize that while you may recover from your EA [emotional affair] enough where you are no longer in withdrawl from the OM, the affair will become 'the elephant in the living room' that will make it impossible for you to share your deepest thoughts and feelings [intimacy] with your H.

TMCM