It has been three-and-a-half months since D-Day. I have been using my Plan A, trying my best to make a go of the marriage, especially since we have a young child together.

WH has not had contact with OW since then. We did attend 4 sessions of MC, after which, WH said he didn't want to continue. His reason was that MC can't help us, but we can work it out on our own. I disagreed but could not get him to return to MC. For the record, he did like our MC, and felt she was a good fit for us, but he just doesn't believe in the value of counseling, period. He does tell me that he is 100% committed to our marriage and wants it to work, and has no intention of leaving or wanting us to divorce.

Since then, we have both written down lists of the things we feel we need from each other - tractable, doable things. We have both agreed that the other person's items are reasonable and doable. I have kept his items at top priority and work every day to try to fulfill his needs on every level. On the other hand, he does not fulfill any of the items on my list on more than a very infrequent basis. I feel myself becoming bitter about the marriage, and wondering how much longer I should bend over backwards to love him in the ways that are important to him, if he cannot do the same for me.

I should also add that the infidelity came at a very low time for me, when I was miscarrying our second child. Both issues are tangled together in my heart.

Does anyone have advice about how to gauge the success or failure of Plan A? Also, is there any advice about how to jump-start a Plan A? Every time I have brought it up, my WH tells me that this is the best he can do.

Thanks in advance.

hss,

Plan A is a plan to separate the WH from OW. One of the task is addressing the issues that you own in your M. The other task is fillin WH's ENs s much as he allows you to. Now how successfull you are in plan A ?, you are sucessfull separating 'em up.

Now you fails to put up bounderies ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>He does tell me that he is 100% committed to our marriage and wants it to work, and has no intention of leaving or wanting us to divorce</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
1. how does he show it to you ?
2. how does it work for you w/o MC ?
3. are you sure there is NC ?

Be honest ... no LB'ed and tell him that this is not working and bring MC back in the picture.

just my 2¢.
-rh-

You are not in Plan A, but in the beginning stages of recovery and FWS may be in withdrawal. That's okay. All is not lost. We only went to MC a few times while the A was still ongoing. Recovery may take a longer, circuituous route without MC, but it can be done.

I just want to let you know that 3 months after NC was established, we really thought we'd divorce.

Are you finding ways to have fun together? Do you get a babysitter regularly? Are you taking care of you?

Although FWS does not want to see MC, will he go to IC? FWS' (as well as BS') need to recover as well. They have an agonizing amount of guilt, shame, and regret over what they've done. They feel that their M and family will always be tarnished by the A.

But at some point FWS needs to re-engage in the M. Have you heard of Retrouvaille? I recommend you sign up and tell FWS it's not counseling whatsoever.

The best thing you can do is to work on your own self-esteem. Are you seeing an IC?

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of advice on getting a FWS to recommit to the M. Are you sure there has been no contact? Perhaps you can post on the recovery board.

Thanks for your replies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When I referred to Plan A, I was more referring to the EN part of it than the NC part of it.

I know he has no contact with OW because she lives literally on the other side of the world. It was a one-time encounter during a business trip, and the only place he had written down her number, he gave to me and I threw it away.

His feelings for IC and MC are the same - he just doesn't think that a stranger has the ability to help us with such intimate problems. (The ironic part is that he has a graduate-level degree in Psychology.)

I will look into Retrouvaille and see if it's something that will work for us; I appreciate the suggestion.

I have been lobbying for a babysitter on a regular basis, but so far we're averaging about once every month or two to get out by ourselves. I need to make that a more regular priority for us.

I'll check in again soon, but would also welcome more advice about a FWH who consciously refuses to meet reasonable EN.

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: hss ]</small>

hss,

You can't change him ...

Did his effort in M before A is the same ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>His feelings for IC and MC are the same - he just doesn't think that a stranger has the ability to help us with such intimate problems. (The ironic part is that he has a graduate-level degree in Psychology.)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His problem may be fear of inimacy and bare his soul to another person ... sadly it coul be even to you too. Counseling hours might be counted toward his practicum or it is counted 3x per each hours he spent in theraphy for CA-MFT licensing requirement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I'll check in again soon, but would also welcome more advice about a FWH who consciously refuses to meet reasonable EN. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why he does this ? ... b/c he can. You have to put the bounderies to protect your M. This is my 2¢ . Follow 4 gifts of love from your side, Fillin ENs, Avoiding LBs, spent time with him (undivided), and radically honest with him. This is Harleys formula to create in-love. You are responsible for his Love Bank. For avarage Joe, he will fall in-love and when a person falls in-love he would want to make you happy too. If you have done that and you still hit the brick wall there are only 3 possibilities: 1. There is still OP in the pictures. Withdrawal is counted here, but in your case of ONS, there should not be a withdrawal. 2. Fails 4 gifts of love ... he could be dishonest about his ENs or LBs, not enough time dedicated to each other, dishonest about his emotional state. 3. He has personality or emotional disorder that he hould work w/ IC.

I suggest you to get a professional help. Get counseling w/ Harley or Cerri by yourself. They could evaluate your effort, also give a clinical opinion about him, and maybe ... you have unresolve emotional issues that you need to work on.

-good luck- -rh-

Welcome to the club. FWS is a family therapist intern and didn't think MC would help us, either. What's up with these guys? He did go to IC for awhile.

Hmmm...I guess the question then is, so what is your plan? We all need a recovery plan. Ask him what yours is. I'm glad you're gonna check out Retrouvaille. He will see that Ms do recover and can become even better after the A.

As for you, I recommend reading Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. Also, try to pick up as many marriage building books as you can, search out websites, etc.

Even though your FWS is not willing to see an MC, because of his background, he should know how to communicate effectively. He may not feel like doing that right now, but when he starts to see you change a bit, he will know what to do.

Have you guys talked about the A and why it happened? For us, FWS really needed me to see that there were improvements I had to make as well. Although, they had the A, alot of times FWS' blame the BS for what they did. That is their fog and it goes away, but I just wanted to let you know what is going on in their heads.

Do you get to seriously talk about your M on a regular basis? Ask him if he wants a good M. Just ask him why he can't bring himself to fulfill one little EN.