Please help if you can. My partner of 14 years and I separated in June this year after I suspected him of a second affair (since confirmed as true). I did all I could for the first 4 - 5 months to try to help him to understand that I am willing to work through this. He remained distant and focussed on the other woman. I began to get on with my life and get legal things put in place. Hey presto he reappeared asking to reconcile. That was 2 weeks ago. After a few days of non contact with the other woman he began to vacillate and I grew impatient and despondent. He kept telling me that it didn't feel right and it all felt too difficult. It lead to some demands from me about what I wanted to see happen followed by some angry exchanges. It felt like, having got off to a good start, he was then doing his utmost to sabotage the reconciliation so that he could say "I did try" and ease his guilt. He used our angry exchanges as his "proof" that things cannot change between us and now he is back with the other woman, claiming that they are now stronger than ever etc.

On the one hand I feel that I was wanting things to happen far too quickly but on the other, apart from the evening that he actually asked to reconcile, I never felt that he was trying, doing or saying the right things.

What now? I am at a loss to know what to do. I love him so much - unfortunately I never told him that before we separated - and we have three children who are being torn apart by this.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. You might want to post under the general questions thread, as weekends are slow.

Have you read the information here? Start in Plan A. You can read about it on the link in my sig line. There is still lots of hope for your relationship.

Is the OW married? If so, have you let her husband know what is going on?

I don't know very much about the OW - she lives 1,000kms away. She is 11 yrs younger than him and was his trainee (he is a sales trainer). His first affair was with a student who was 10 yrs younger than him. A pattern here maybe?

The first affair was 7 yrs ago but he only finally admitted it recently. For 7 yrs I tried to get him to the point where we could resolve the issue but he would not confront it with me; as a result I treated him very cruelly at times. I wanted him to either confess or leave - either one would relieve the pain I was feeling I reasoned.

In addition to the 2 affairs he has also been concealing credit card debt from me. All these things have come to light gradually over the past 6 months even though I have asked him "is there anything else?". The fact that he has continued to lie until there is no alternative but to confess makes it all feel so much worse. I've even discovered that he lied to the current OW about still being in a relationship when they first got together and that he didn't tell her he was meeting with me to discuss reconcilition.

When I look at the cold facts I just want to give up and run.... except that I still have feelings for him and think that he's worth it. In my heart I believe that the OW thing will burn out quite quickly given the circumstances, unless of course she moves here (he won't move there because of the children). I think he needs more from a relationship than just weekends every so often. They have been on/off a few times already, three I believe, in 6 months so it doesn't look promising. So my dilemma is what to do in the meantime - back off and leave him to reach his own conclusions or stick to plan A.

His latest opinion on reconciliation is "I'll think about it and call you on Weds" - that is after his attempts to patch things up with OW this w/e. I think he's hedging his bets and playing for time or just can't bring himself to say that there's no chance and for that reason I think I should back off and just see what happens. It feels like he's playing a game and enjoying being the only person who knows the rules. From his perspective this appears to me to be about power and not love.

He sounds like a cake-eater to me. He wants to have both of you.

I would put him on the back burner and continue with my life. Make the changes you can in yourself. That is all you can do. Try to enjoy your life, and maybe he will join you.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. He is really putting you on an emotional roller coaster here, isn't he?
Has he ever attempted counseling? I know that when my H and I attempted to start marriage counseling, she told us that we each needed to seek individual counseling first to help each of us decide within ourselves if we were truly committed to saving our marriage. That is where we are now. She told my husband that he can't have his cake and eat it to and if he wasn't willing to stop contact with OW, then there was no point in marriage counseling.
I thought that was a very good point. As long as OW is in the picture there is going to be thoughts of confusion on your husband's part.
You said you don't know much about OW.
Well I think you should do some investigating to find out more and get in touch with her yourself. I did that and we had a two hour chat on the phone! She was very receptive to my questions and told me that I have a really big heart to even consider thinking about forgiving her and my husband for what they have done to our lives. We have two children. Now not every OW is going to be like that but it's worth a shot - really, what do you have to lose at this point?

Once and affair is exposed it seems to really change things and if your husband thinks he wants to reconcile with you, then this will just speed it along. If not, at least you will know.
Your husband will probably be mad at you for doing this. That is normal. My husband was upset but later told me he was actually relieved once it was done.
At this point we are still in IC and haven't started MC yet. I doing plan A and I really hope there has been no contact between him and OW. It hurts so much not to know for sure and of course when you'v been betrayed, they really have to earn your trust again. It makes it impossible to fix things as quickly as we'd like to!! I'm like that too. I want it fixed now!! Best of luck to you!!