I guess I'm a newbee . . . again since it's been over a year since I posted by depressing story. I honestly thought my troubles with my WH were over, I thought wrong.

My WH began his emotional affair on a business trip in 10/2002, which continued via cell phone when he returned. He promised no contact and we went to counseling. Then in 5/2003 I found he purchased his own secret cell phone and was still talking to her. He moved out for 2 days, destroyed the cell phone and back to counseling. The past few years were up and down, but I felt we were on the road to happiness.

It was difficult to see him go on business trips again to the same area where the EA started, but I had regained trust and actually began to fall back in love with my husband.

He recently took a 10-week trip (of course to the same location where the OW lived), but he was considerate and caring to my concerns and everything was good. We attended our last counseling appointment together on November 20 (2004) and WH decided (and I did too) that we were ready to stop counseling and begin our live.

Fast forward to Christmas Eve, I was sending e-cards to family and friends when I noticed the e-greeting login was different. I clicked to see who it was and it was 5 Christmas e-greetings to, you guessed it, the OW from my hubby! I researched back to November and he sent 12 cards in one day to her - and they were very detailed and graphic.

He admitted he loved her and missed their sexual encounters. Needless to say, I was speechless. He seen me reading them and had nothing to say. He admitted to me he DID love her and they had sex several times during his last business trip and he's had contact with her for the past 2+ years via a calling card from work. I didn't want to upset the kids during the holidays, so we struggled to be "happy couple" till after the New Years, when he moved out.

So as you can see (sorry this is so long), I've been through so many “Just Found Outs” and “Recovery” I don't know where to begin. Plan A worked (or so I thought) for DD #1 and DD #2. Now I'm implementing Plan B. I just need some reassurance from other's who has been through Plan B. I've read the SAA chapter 4x on this, but am struggling.

I truly love this man! We have been married for almost 18 years (together for 20), but I'm so lost and betrayed. He says he still loves me, but needs time to work things out. I have an individual counseling appointment tomorrow - so I'm hanging by a thread until then.

Any support or words of encouragement is appreciated.

Hello....

Just saw your post and wanted to say that I was sorry for what you've been through.

I personally am a big believer in Plan B, but that's just from my personal experience.

You may also want to consider posting in the General Questions forum, as there is way more traffic.

A few questions:

Is this your WH's first affair?

Have you given a Plan B letter?

What do you want out of this?


Best wishes,
Ethan

I sure hope plan B does work. I don't think my WH expected me to react the way I did. I honestly think he thought I would say, "oh I forgive you and trust you, and . . ". Not this time.

To answer your questions, I gave him a Plan B letter when he left. Since we have kids, he calls them every morning so the only communication is a brief "hello - here's the kids". I told him in the letter that if HE wanted our marriage to work he had to (1) make a firm choice who he wants - me or the OW. Once he can completely commit to that, then, and only then (2) would I think about him returning to my life.

As far as I know, this was his first affair - same person for over 2 years. He calls it a "mid-life crisis".

And as far as what I want, I really don't know. I guess I'm confused. I love him and would love to spend the rest of my life with him, but could I after all of this? I guess only time will tell.

Thank you for your response and encouragement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by steffany5:
<strong> I sure hope plan B does work. I don't think my WH expected me to react the way I did. I honestly think he thought I would say, "oh I forgive you and trust you, and . . ". Not this time.

To answer your questions, I gave him a Plan B letter when he left. Since we have kids, he calls them every morning so the only communication is a brief "hello - here's the kids". I told him in the letter that if HE wanted our marriage to work he had to (1) make a firm choice who he wants - me or the OW. Once he can completely commit to that, then, and only then (2) would I think about him returning to my life.

As far as I know, this was his first affair - same person for over 2 years. He calls it a "mid-life crisis".

And as far as what I want, I really don't know. I guess I'm confused. I love him and would love to spend the rest of my life with him, but could I after all of this? I guess only time will tell.

Thank you for your response and encouragement. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds so familiar. WS are cliches from what I can determine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

steffany5,

What do you mean by working ?.

You need to sick to your boundry and put a proper steps before even taking WH back. This is his 3rd <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

-rh-

WH came to visit the kids for the first time this week. He was an absolute mess (which in a way was a little satisfaction for all my pain and suffering). We are now on day 7 of Plan B. It's been so hard, especailly today because the kids' emotions are so high from missing their dad.

He e-mailed me today and said he had told the OW that he wants to spend his life with his wife and kids and to make things right again, then he stated he's asking his boss for a transfer to a position that requires less overtime and less travel. He said he knows it is just a "start" and knows there is a lot more that needs to be done for me to take him back.

So as you can see, my emotions are on a roller coaster, but I'm still staying strong and not giving in . . . he needs to fix things, not me. I need time to figure out what exactly I want.

Good for you. Your story gives me encouragement. I started Plan B 6 days ago. However, I'm so angry at my husband I did not give him a plan B letter. I feel he doesn't deserve it. Shouldn't he have the fear of losing me and the kids to someone else? Can someone give me there thoughts on doing a Plan B, but not giving a Plan B letter?

My marriage counselor strongly recommends a plan B letter. She says you need to S-P-E-L-L out exactly what you want to say because the fog your WS is head is in might be too thick for them to hear you. This way it leaves no room for misinterpretation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Simpli:
<strong>Can someone give me there thoughts on doing a Plan B, but not giving a Plan B letter? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A very bad idea. WS will take it as LB since you want to "punish" WS. Worst, WS will take it as no return and no hope thus have no choice but keep going w/ OP.

-rh-

Well, WH came to visit the kids this weekend and as I was heading out the door to my sister's house to "think about things", my WH told me to remember he loves me and wants to make us his priority. I said we would talk about it when I get back.

When I returned, he had sent the kids to grandma's and we had the BIG talk about our future. He tells me we wants to end it with the OW (with a letter - me reading it and mailing it). And want's to make our marriage better then ever. I told him that we can't go back to our old marriage because there was no spark - but would be willing to "start a new relationship" if he can show me (EN) that I am the one and only in his life. He agreed.

He is still living elsewhere until the letter is written (and I've read/mailed it) and think I still need a few more weeks apart for him to show me he's serious about fulfilling my EN. I don't want to push him away, but need to know. So if this is good, I'll guess we'll upgrade to Plan A.

Wish us luck! I hate this emotional roller coaster ride. But I have to admit, I'm such a stronger person and really know what I want and need from this relationship.

Hi Steffany,
I'm so glad to hear you're doing so much better and have to say from what you are writing here it sounds like your WH really gets his head out of the fog.
I'm in a Plan A kind of situation right now but my problem is that I don't know if I can work a Plan A because my WH and the OW are some 8000 miles away from me and the children.
Most of the time we are the ones initiating contact and he has not seen his children since july 2004 for 1 day.
To understand my situation better you might want to read my other posts first <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I'm also wondering, although my WH keeps telling me that he put in paperwork to get stationed back here in Germany again if that is really what he wants or if he is just buying time.
He just recently moved again with the OW and her 2 children to a new home and that really makes me sick.
Hearing all that talk about wanting to come back to live with us but on the other hand not even coming home for Xmas to see his children and try work something out, I don't know. He does not want us to come visit him (of course not), nor does he come to see us. Ysterday he send an email to the children telling them how much he loves them and that he hopes to be back here with us by summer and if not, he'd come visit.
Is this something to believe in or just bubbling?
Should I still start a Plan B or would that maybe hurt his efforts to come back living with us?
Any opinions?
dakotamoon


me 39
WH 34
S10,D4
married 11 yrs

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: dakotamoon ]</small>