Hello all...

I hope that your situations are working out better than mine did. I do have to say that I was not capable of following the rules of Plan A or B, so I still wonder what might have happened if I had. It has been many months since I have posted on this page. As of now, I am divorced. I forget all the acronyms, so please forgive me.

I guess a short recap of my history is on order here:
August 10, 2003 I found out my wife of five years had feelings for another man.
August 17, 2003 I found out she had been having an affair with OM for at least a couple months.
December 2, 2003 we separated completely.
April 2004 I left town and did not communicate with her until recently.
August 2004 we were officially divorced.
My ex-wife has since broken up with her "soul mate" and is now dating a new guy.

We met for dinner a couple weeks ago and it went well.
We laughed...we cried.

Since then, I have been on the roller coaster again. One day I am okay with things and the next I am depressed and want her back.

I have been restraining myself from contacting her. It seems that I have three options here:
1. Tell her I still love her and try to get her back (probably a bad idea).
2. Pretend to be cool with things and try to be her friend (that is what she wants).
3. Discontinue all contact and try to forget she exists (not sure if this one is possible, but it is easier not to think about her).

Honestly, I do still want her back. I feel like there are so many things that we never had a chance to try in order to make things work. The fact that we even had any problems was not known to me before she decided to give up on things/me/us. I feel like I was never given a chance to work with her to create the relationship we both needed/wanted. That is why I still want her back.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I am on the inside looking out and would appreciate an outside point of view.

Let me be clear here though...I still love her very much.

Thank you

I wish that I had wise words, but I have to admit that you are much farther in this process than I.

It is difficult to see a person that you love very much and know that it is not the right thing to reach out to them.

The defining moment for me was when I realize that by continuing to meet my WH needs, when he was still refusing to turn away from the choices, I was actually not being loving. It was actually selfish of me (HEY, I was getting somethings from him!) and was destroying me and my true feelings for him. It was co-dependant and not healthy. All that said (keep in mind, I have followed these rules for 4 DAYS!), I still love him and fight daily wanting to "SHOW" him how much.

You are much further in this process. Marriages can be rebuilt, even after divorce, but only if committment is there from both!

The best advice I have heard in this process, is "Don't lisen to advice and take it to heart!" This is true. You are the only one that has to live with your choices.

Keep living, Glad you are back!

"It is difficult to see a person that you love very much and know that it is not the right thing to reach out to them."

So this is what you think I ought to do?...Not reach out to her? Plan A?

Do I even belong here anymore? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well, you asked...

You say you still love her, and you think you'd like her back, but you get the feeling that she'd like to "see" you, but, maybe just as friends?

My take is that you should do some serious introspection into the depths of your heart before you make a move.

You should jot down a list of all that you think you'd need from her to consider "another try". Things like apologies, remorse, explanations, possible marriage counseling or coaching. How much of the above would be enough for you to give her another chance.

What if she only wants to be friends? Is this enough for you? Or would it fall short of what you'd really want? If you opened up to her, hoping for romance, and friendship was all she had to offer, could you stand the wounds of the affair being reopened, or the current "rejection" bearable?

Did you both do all you could do to save the marriage? I get the feeling you don't believe that's so, but what would you change, or require?

Have you been through the MarriageBuilder's site, or read Surviving an Affair? Are you familiar with Dr. Harleys critical points for a good, healthy marriage? Are you willing to read and understand all of this information, and then re-evaluate your feelings for your ex?

Are you reluctant to move on in your life, without your ex? If so, why?

Was her affair properly exposed as part of Plan A? Was there colateral damage to family and friendly relationships as a result of the affair and ensuing divorce? Is that damage reparable?

You don't have to answer these questions to me, certainly, but these are questions that I would have to give serious consideration to, if I were in your shoes.

My brother had an affair that ended his marriage 10 years ago, and 6 years ago, he re-married the 1st W from that marriage, after the marriage with his OW failed after less than 2 years. Stranger things have happened.

Best wishes,
SD

<small>[ January 09, 2005, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Neb,

Why do you want her back ?. don't tell me love, tell me specific reason.

You do belong here.

Meanwhile I will reply to you here.

-rh-

Neb,

Try Here

-rh-

Neb-

I was not at all trying to tell you what you should do. Of course you belong here, you need support and I think that abounds here.

I was really speaking for me. My husband was "keeping me on the back burner." No matter what my feelings are, I have to respect myself enough to "love tough."

T

Woops...

<small>[ January 09, 2005, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: Neb ]</small>

"My take is that you should do some serious introspection into the depths of your heart before you make a move."

You're right...I guess I am mostly lonely <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am not sure anymore if I want "HER" back or if I just want somebody. I am not good at being alone. We were together most of my adult life. I find that I rarely let myself be alone. I am constantly visiting friends and family and keeping myself busy. When I stop is when I really miss her. Of course the holidays were not easy. Everything felt empty...alone. I guess I miss the companionship more than anything.

My logical side tells me that a fresh start with someone new would be better than trying with my ex, but my emotional side takes hold and remembers all of our history and I miss her.

I miss her so much and I feel so alone. Will I be able to ever not feel alone when I am by myself? That would be nice. Honestly, I am not sure I would want "HER" if that were the case.

My goal is to somehow find a way to be happy alone and then find someone to share my life with again.

Any advice on how I might do this?

Thank you all for the help...It is nice to be back here where people are all so caring. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've always heard that you fill the void in your life by giving what you need to others.

For what it's worth!
SD

I wish I had some deep profound advice to give. Unfortunately I am not really in any position to give advice.

I have to say that I am struggling with many of the same fears and self-doubts.

I have had an interesting thought. After much self growth and soul searching, I put plan B into practice last week. During that time I have been thinkning that the woman I am now, much more whole and emotionally grounded, would probably not choose to be with my WH, likely not the man he is now or the one he was when we meet. That is a hard thing to admit.

I wish I had better insight or advice. Just don't give up on yourself.
Tina

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Neb:
<strong>My goal is to somehow find a way to be happy alone and then find someone to share my life with again.

Any advice on how I might do this?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sit back and do a self reflection. What do you want to be given this single life and new beginning ? Don't find anyone before you find the answer.

-rh-

Redhat, that is a great point.

An opportunity to truly find a person that matches you. And Neb, you have known love. You know what you want. As you grow to know yourself better, you will also know what you want for in a life-partner.

Not to make that sound easy, but life is a journey!
Tina

Thanks for the wise words. They are wise. I will consider what you have all said and come back when I figure something out.

Please take care...all of you.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />