I have told him that ending the relationship with the OW is key to resolving our problem. THE problem is that they work together not side by side and not in close proximity but I don't think it can be avoided. Quitting is not an option at this point because we depend on the income.
I know she still contacts him because I see the calls in his the cell phone bill.

Should I come right out at this point and ask him if he has ended it with her? Or should I wait and give him time to tell me he ended it? I have finally calmed down enough to not have angry outbursts, but how am I to know he stopped the contact?

Ultimatums won't work I am so close to calling the *&$%# myself and telling her to back off or else!! But that would make matters worse won't it? It is something HE has to do not me I know right? Does the fact that he may not have make our chances of reconsiliation less?

I have already written him a letter spelling out my feelings I don't know if he read it or not. So any tips and advise I would appreciate.

Destroyed1/11/05
I am new to the sight but the book Surviving An Affair (SAA) may help to answer a lot of questions. The MB bookstore carries it. I found it at Barnes and Noble.

I've known about my WS A for several months and made some critical mistakes before I got here. Violence of any kind-verbal or otherwise toward either person only gives fuel to support what is going on. Keep the relationship between you two.

Take care of yourself the best as you can. Search the site postings and readings as much as possible. The answers are here. The answers will help you to do what is right for yourself and your marriage.

Good luck

Destroyed1/11/05

After reading all the posts you put out and the replies it seems to make sense to me that exposing the A may work out IF YOU CAN BE OPEN TO THE RESULTS.
In my experience the OM lives close by. I verbally assulted him in front of his friends. I beat the crap out of him. I ripped a slider door out of his house. I had her parents visit her when WS was on a "no date" with OM. I knew where they were at. Parents also visited the next morning after WS spent the night with OM and staggered home drunk. These thing have happened over the last six to eight months. Was it right or wrong? Its what happened and if it drives them nuts (WS/OM) thats OK with me. A quote from other postings "who wants to be pondscum?"

OM is single with no kids living with him. Has no real GF. What has OM got to loose? I'm grateful the cops were not called in anything that happened but I would have taken responsiblility for my actions. At the point I was at the only thing I had to loose was possibly some money and maybe sit a little jail time. Since seperating I've settled down because I have a daughter to take care of. My focus is off OM and trying as best as I can to meet S ENs. Try doing that with an alcoholic. About ready to go to plan B when I get my poop in a group.
Normally I am a non-violent man but the A (which never happened) and S's alcoholism really take a toll on the anger management. Move carefully and be willing to accept the results. From what I've read it can take 6 months to two years for affairs to die, if things are done right. Then still to come is reconciliation-if it gets to that point. Settle in, settle down and plan the road you want to travel. Read all you can and keep checking MB
Good luck

I agree SAA is an excellent book as well as reading, posting and seeing an IC.

As much as it might seem wonderful and gratifying to contact the OW, it might not work out as you want. If the OW is married, definitely contact her H and let him know. If she is NOT, contacting her will probably result in her telling your WH YOU are harrassing her.

This is what happened to me. I e-mailed the OW and she immediately contacted my WH and "cried" that I was harassing her. Of course she never responded back. The OW played the "poor me - everyone's blaming me" story. Give me a break - if you are going to play with a married man, you should be able to handle the ramifications that come with it!

Good luck and stay strong!

As a veteran Plan A'er, I thought I would chime in. Sometimes you don't know if contact has ended when you are in Plan A. Sometimes you go by feelings, but it's a good idea to verify.

Did he say he was going NC?

Yes, try your best not to call the OW. I'm so glad I took the high road and never tried to contact her.

Destroye

Found a notable post/thread that you may want to read.
I'm not a computor guru so I don't know how to put the link in.

Go to Forums/acronyms smiles ubb/go to notable posts threads/ Wats quick start guidelines for BS

Good post
Take care

Jerry

Destroyed,

Have you exposed this infidelity to everyone yet?
Is that your intention?
Do your parents know?
Do his?
Does his boss know?

Here's the thing, if you don't believe in the "scorched earth" policy (telling everyone to expose the secret)you might want to consider it. I personally believe you have to but every situation is different.

Secondly, DO NOT CONTACT THE OP!!!!!

I cannot stress this enough, you will accomplish nothing. You know why? The OP KNOWS they are messing with a married person and they obviously do not care. Now, if that OP is married themselves then having a talk with their spouse is completely acceptable, and even morally correct because that person may not know what they are dealing with.

Exposure is up to you but DO NOT contact the OP...you will just push them closer together...their whining and bellyaching to your spouse while your spouse comforts them because you are so mean....get it?

Peace and Tranquility
BH

I am very depressed and don't know how to handle this Plan A. I did make the mistake of contacting the other women after I saw an e-mail from her and a Fed-Ex he sent her. I couldn't control myself. He promised me no contact then violated it. He has threatened me with divorce more than once in the last 8 years, so I don't know what to believe other than I can't trust him to be honest. He finally agreed to counceling, but I think he is just going to help me with my depression not end the affair. My therapist told me that contact is inevitable. He hasn't seen her since Oct.I can't stand that he won't stop talking to her. I've given myself until May. I'm on medication too. Please help me cope!

Lonely Wife

Sorry that you've ended up at this site but there are wonderful posts, readings, articles and support here.
Dig around hard and you will find answers and people just like yourself that are at all stages from just finding out-to recovery.

For myself it was hard to settle down and decide exactly what I wanted to do. I over-reacted and "made mistakes" along the way. I now see that there is not a black or white or a right or wrong way to apply the principles on this site. We each have to decide our course. We each have to decide for ourselves how we want to navigate the course and when to do it.

Is the OW married? You may want to talk to her S rather than her. Dig around the site you will find posts from people who did just that.

The Plan A design to me is to arrive with your S at an agreement of N/C with the OW. We need to refrain as best as possible from all the LB's we can and provide the best we can with meeting our S's EN's. A time limit also is a good idea. It is emotionally draining, especially when you know there has been contact. A person can not go on forever if agreements are not kept.
That is where plan B comes into play. If promises or agreements are not kept then we need to progress to Plan B-No contact of any kind with the WS. We write a letter asking the WS to have NC with the OP and to let them know what we are trying to accomplish. There are many examples of Plan B letters on postings and also in SAA. We write these to the WS so there is no mistake in letting them know we love them, we will not continue the M with another person involved, we would be willing to work on our M if there is an agreement to N/C with the OP. People do slip along the way. None of are perfect. We are all human. This is a journey your on-Not a destination. No single magic event is going to just happen and everything will be back to "normal"-whatever that is.

Please try to concentrate on yourself. LB's will drive your WS to the OW. In fact it adds fuel to the fire. That is why we may have to move to Plan B-To preserve the love we do have for our WS's. We leave them on a good note instead of bad. We enforce the boundries we need to for the sake of trying to save the M but we don't endlessly hang in limbo forever. We also place a time limit on Plan B but we do not let the WS know what the time limit is. Its hard to totally seperate from the person you love but they need to know you mean business.

Please try to continue your counseling even if your WS doesn't come. The Harleys, on this site have talked about the use of anti-depressant drugs. I think it is in the article How to survive infidelity #1 or 2. You may want to read it. You may want to talk to your counselor or doctor to see if its an option that might help you.

Hope some of this makes sense. I looked at your previous posts and there was some gap in your postings. I hope you will come back a little more often. There are plenty of good people here.

Take care

Jerry

Hi, I am Bob Pure !

My story gets referred to quite a bit on these boards, not because I am special but that my story was TYPICAL. The untypical bit was that everything happened pretty fast and I managed a close adherence to MB advice thanks to the wonderful people on these boards and some grit I never knew I had. Oh and God's intervention of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

With so many posts and the search facility not being so brilliant I thought I'd gather important stuff together that may help new BS.

These links are not to show up MY posts but to READ the FANTASTIC advice I received in these threads and the outcome that was achieved. I hope they give you confidence that you are not alone, that your life WILL get better SOON, and that MB applied properly CAN help get your baby back.

God bless you in your efforts to recover your marriage.

Firstly an intriduction, who the heck am I ?

So who is Bob Pure?

My dear wife of 18 years ,Squid, had an affair that I found out about on d-day July 22 2004. I wasn't in good shape

then , maybe just like you now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> :

How did I feel on D-day ?

I was blessed by finding Marriagebuilders only three days after d-day. My early posts show my state of mind and

heart. My dear Squid had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a snarling, spitting thing that made no sense,

and hated me, our kids, friends, relatives...everyone but OM. The fog was thick and I had no idea what to do: Look at

my desperation and misery BUT ALSO at the WONDERFUL advice and care this stranger got from MBers ! You are NOT alone

on MB ! There are Angels here ! And they were not talking only to me but to every desperate Betrayed Spouse that

ever reads this !

See my early posts show hopelessness BUT see the uplifting advice from MBers, old and new alike !

First hopeless mess thread

I was soon pointed at a FANTASTIC resource on this board - WorthATry's Quickstart for new Betrayed Spouses. This thread has saved more than one life I am sure.

New BS READ THIS and digest it. THIS and prayer are all you need for a while.

WATs WONDERFUL guide to new betrayed spouses

It made me read every word on the site which made me buy "surviving an affair" by Willard Harley. I soon began to implement 'Plan A'.


Plan A advice from experts

Plan A is an exercise in hope and fear control as it is in stopping the affair. It has a massive secondary benefit of delivering self-control and self-determination to the BS too !

BS can get impatient with plan A, when really exposure is needed.

Experts stop my impatience with plan A

Here is a wonderful reasource again from friend WorthATry describing the process and benefits of exposing the affair to the OPs spouse and others.


WATs guide to affair exposure 101

Exposure was the most effective and satisfying tool against teh affair that I used ! Melody Lane , Pepperband and WAT almost bullied me into doing this when I was weak and felt like exposing would drive my wife away from me into the arms of her lover.

Wierd affair dynamics with WS
You can expect nastiness from your WS BUT exposure is important for all parties affected. And tell me the thought of OP dodging crockery for a day or two doesn't make you smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WS and OP don't like exposure much...ot;images/icons/smile.gif" />

Fog from WS after exposure....

Remember that you are not the only innocent hurt party in the affair Doesn't OPs spouse ( if there is one) deserve to know what they're married to ? In my case sending proof of PA to OM s GF was the catalyst that sent OM into therapy and their relationship on the road to recovery. NEVER feel that exposing is immoral JUST BECAUSE it feels good.

OM GF begs for proof of affair

SO...if starting plan A and exposing gets your baby back home with you (as I was blessed to find) you have work ahead of you, dear BS. You may be tempted and think " is it worth it?"

Is it all worth it? temptation of BS in Plan A


You think " I don;t want this betrayer back"

Don't particularly want her back


You will wonder if your FWS will ever love you again...
Will she love me again? Am I second choice?

You may find you are tempte dto settle for teh easy way, and cease recovery as soon as your WS is back in yoru arms BUT DO NOT ! Strive for a GREAT marriage for both of you !
Do not give in too easily through loneliness

After a while, MB concepts like POJA and PORH become part of your vocabulary with your FWS
POJA even important stuff like contact with OMW

And you find yourself after WS withdrawal in recovery. In Plan A or plan B you had only one objective - stop the affair. Recovery is just as hard, but less easily targetted.

You may feel that although life is imporving yoru WS is not as contrite as you would hope for or expect, they may be affected by one of the many complex emotions suffered by FWS. You may not see it now,but affairs are hard on them too. There are no easy lives after an affair.


Get inside a FWS head

As a FBS, you will find everything against your instinct that is successful. Amongst the hardest things I did was forgive my Squid. But I got back more than I could have dreamed.

Discussion on total forgiveness

And you may find yourself taking more blame than you deserve for the poor M which may have led to your WS affair

Isit all my fault ?

If you have scanned through for some of these I hope you may have seen parallels with your own seemingly hopeless sitiation.

Well, I am here to tell you that you CAN get your baby back and be happier than ever. My Squid loves me again and is working on our marriage in a loving and mostly fun environment.

Take heart, new BS. Your heart CAN be mended. Follow the advice of the wise folks on this board.

All blessings

bob

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: B0B PURE* ]</small>