I put my first note out here in November under just found out and much has happened since then.

My H never stopped talking, e-mailing her or seeing – I know “surprise” to all of you but I trusted that he did and boy was I a fool. He left again in November and returned home again making the claim to be in it . In early December about two weeks later he again decided that he needed to leave and he did and after many hours of talking and the day he was to sign the lease on his apartment he said good by to her and came home to work on us. He made a lot of promises and I told him it could not be for 2 weeks like it had been so many times before he acknowledged that and was committed to me to us and to our son.

He knew what it meant – he knew he was never to talk to her he was not to see or communicate ever again with her and he told both of our families he was back for the long haul and for the first time they felt he was here. I asked him how he felt about his decision and he said “Happy” something I had not heard in a long time. He wrote her a letter and it came back unread. He wrote our families and told them he couldn’t change the past but could make the future and he still loved me and was committed for the long haul to making us work. But as with many of you this was short lived on Monday two days later she called and e-mailed him and of course told him how terrible he was for staying and how he loved her and how I could never make him happy. He picked up the phone, e-mailed her and never stopped but I did not know. Just after Christmas he announces that she called him the week prior – needless to say this went against our agreement and I was ticked but I took a deep breath and said OK how do we not let this happen again. He said it got worse – and I was not prepared for the announcement that she was pregnant.

Ouch! OK I was committed for the long haul he did not want the baby and I figured I had to accept this and deal with him having a relationship with the baby in the future. She apparently did not know what she wanted to do with the baby. Well he said he was in it for the long haul with me and so together we would face this. The next morning we called her to see how the Dr. appointment went and to see what she was going to do. He was nervous to get on the phone I asked him if he was worried I’d find out something I did not know – he said “NO”. Well the strained conversation led to the series of lies that he had not stopped talking to her and somewhere on the phone she said I am giving us so much ( married with 2 children) and my husband says to her “I Love you and I am giving up a lot too I am giving up my wife and my son” and there we were now headed down another road.

We proceeded to pack up our life and move him so he could be on with his life. We said he was in no hurry to get a divorce and still does not take of f his wedding ring and for some strange reason now signs his e-mail “your husband”. I have tried not to respond to his e-mails and calls for the past week and it has been difficult. I cannot avoid all contact as we have a son and he has visitation every two weeks. Can anyone help. How do you turn the video camera in your mind off that re-plays how stupid you were and how they were together. I have had the unfortunate/fortunate opportunity to see the e-mails. The relationship is about SEX and the feeling of feeling needed. We were partners I was not the needy one. She needs his emotional support not to mention his financial support. Also why is it that he lasts two days without talking to her or e-mailing her and he doesn’t seem to be bothered by not calling or e-mailing me like that I suppose 12 years doesn’t mean a damn thing. We had a pretty good relationship before this at least I thought later finding out there were things he told her he never told me why couldn’t he have told me what he needed? I feel like such a fool, stupid and at times worthless and a failure.

Why after all he has said, and done do I still love him? He does not appear to be happy but somber and quite these days when he is around us and at work. I suspect he is delighted when he is with her.

If (big if) ever he were to decide to come back I have so many questions for those of you who have been through plan b. How do people have a relationship when the trust has been broken so many times. How do you accept you being the boobie prize when thing did not work out – being second? How do you sleep with them and not feel like you are being compared with the lover? Does the relationship really get better I know from what I read that it can be better but is the time invested worth it. Why do I hold on why can I not just accept he has chosen her and I am now a single mom who is to raise our son alone and I need to move on. Maybe it all takes time – the counselor does not seem to work either however he did send me to this site!

I have having a really hard time, and when I had to ask for help for the first time it about killed me. How do people make it through this. Are there books out there that help regain who you were – I allowed him to destroy me as he made me out to be some monster I wasn’t. I am searching for help and am sorry this is so long!

Glad you were directed here. If you are in Plan B, did you send your husband a Plan B letter? That is a necessary step in all of this.

No I did not I am really not sure where things are right now. You see I do not feel he has any interest in coming back. He simply wants to be with her. He is so in love with her and yet continues to hang on to something here at home mostly his son. Maybe I am just I am just hanging on to something that is gone and headed to divorce a divorce I do not want and one my 9 month old son does not deserve. I will attempt to prepare the letter but am not sure what good it will do. Today I am feeling lost and hopeless.

Lost Lucy-
OUCH! Your story broke my heart. I am so sorry that you are hurting this way.

Please don't feel stupid for trusting a man that you love (now a WH) and trying to honor your committment. It may seem easy for me to say that, but I am right there with you.

No one can make the decision (plan A again or plan B) but you, because you (and your DS) alone have to live with the consequences. I looked on it as I had to do what I knew was right for me. At one point that was to work on myself and my relationships (with God, with my WH, with others, with myself). I will continue to do that, but at some point, (GASP...almost a month ago now) I decided that I was enabling my WH's addiction. He wanted to keep me and the OW(plural). So here I am in plan B...easy, NO! Worth it...yes, now, for me!

No real ADVICE..but that isn't really what you need anyway! This process is very painful...like being buried alive...but you ARE alive!

How are you working through your grief? IC, MC, groups, friends, books...obviously the MB group!

My thoughts are with you!
Tina

Lost Lucy

OWEEE!! I'm so sorry for you and your son.

The way I hang on is that I have done a ton of reading on this site and also purchased books.

A's, I have read, have a 6 mo to 2 yr cycle. The relationship starts out with lies and deception. After the shine wears off the new relationship and the reality of "what did I do" sets in to the WS,and the OW, there is not much left for the relationship to survive on. Where do you go in a relationship when WS and OP look at each other and know in there hearts where their relationship started out? I couldn't look at the OP without thinking in the back of my mind "will he/she have an A on me?
Plan A is for me to be the attractive choice but not sell myself out. I'm not a boobie prize. All the hard work I've done may not bring my WS back to me but I've got a long future ahead. I hope. Gods plan may not include us together but I know somewhere down the road I will be the best person I can be bc I tried every avenue possible to try to save the M. I need to patiently negotiate NC like you did and proceed from there. You negotiated once. Would it work again? I know, now we're talking about a baby with the OW. That would be hard to swallow. Only you can decide.

In talking with my WS I know she believes the fairy tail love story. Its like a "high" to be with the OM. An addiction. It is like she was possessed.
Its the "fog" created by an A.

M can at times be downright boring. Stupid bills keep rolling in each month,dogs need food, house needs to be cleaned, the kids need to go here there and then there is work(job). The A your WS has going was done with you meeting some of those needs. They have had no real pressure on the R up until now. If its fairy tail it will crumble fast depending on how you decide to proceed.

WARNING-It is extremely painful to watch.

I had a part in helping to create my situation. I had good intentions to try and meet what I thought her needs were but was very misdirected. Until I started reading and searching myself I never realized how far I was off.
LB'ing each other also brought the M down further.

This still doesn't make the A right and somewhere down the road if it works out with us she will have to take responibility for her actions. At this point she is still in the "fog" and the A is justified in her mind. Until the fog clears there is not much I can do but work PLan A.

I know the pain of watching your Ws and I'm so sorry you've ended up here. Only you can decide what direction you want to travel.

Keep posting and reading. Counseling? There are lots of good people here with way more experience and knowledge than I have. You will find many at all different stages-from just finding out-to several years into recovery. The recovery people truly give me hope.

Take good care of yourself for now. Hope you keep on posting.

Jerry

Thank you all for your responses.

I took plan A very seriously. I invested a lot of in me and acknowledging what I had done, what I needed to do and I worked on improving them. I read just about every book on this site, every article and each night while I should have been sleeping I was addicted to reading the many stories on this site (they provide hope and helped to fasten my seat belt for the ride - we just never expect all that comes with it no matter how many times we read it) I have been seeing a counselor and have done my best to take control of my life for my son and me.

9 days ago my husband ended things with the OW for the first time his actions have spoken louder than his words. I had implemented Plan B and talked to him only as it related to visitation and began being very scarce when he did visit - prior to that I wrote him a letter that had to make him think about the life we had and the one he was living. On January 17th she lost the baby (if anyone beleives she actually had one - long story but odds were against her and actions have indicated she was not pregnant)

Along this entire nightmare I have never called her a bad name even though I may have wanted to, I have not begged him to return, told him I couldn't make it on my own etc.. I knew if he were to return it had to be for the right reason the only reason - he wanted me, he wanted to be the husband he vowed to be 71/2 years ago I did not want to be his pitty party but at the same time I was not going to be the left overs that were good enough when things did not work out.

I finally felt in control of my life about 2 weeks ago to a point where I felt I needed to move on. I did not want to move on without him but I needed him to realize I was not just going to wait around. Just as I was prepared to do that his little world with the OW came crashing down, he could not find truth in the things she said, the sex wasn't enough to last a life time and when he looked at what he had compared to what he left and what he could have had had he turned to me there was no other decision for him.

He for today is in it. I am walking slowly and attempting not to repeat the same mistakes as the past, protecting my heart, my son and my life.

I thank God for the support I have found here, there were many days I would have all but given up but someone shared just enough to keep me hanging on!

thank you everyone. I am walking a new path today and for the first time in a long time I feel like there is someone beside me making me their priority. (I will pray that we continue on this path together) In the mean time we have agreed to MC and will particpate in a marraige encounter weekend on the 18th. One day at a time.

Dear Lucy,
I am so touched by your story. Thank you for sharing your feelings, sorrows and success. I am so impressed by you.

I do hope your marriage is going to be more loving and your family - happier, despite the tears of the past.

I posted on a different site a ? about how do you folloe plan B when you kids are involved because I have not figured it out at all.