Hi,

I posted my story already on the general questions site but I thought I try here as well.
I'm trying to do a Plan A for the last 8 months but since my WH is 8000 miles away and lives with the OW and her children, it is kind of hard for me to do.

He keeps telling me that he wants to come back and live with us and that he wants to fix the mess he startet over there but any proof?

No, the only thing I know is; he still lives with her and not with us! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

We can't even visit him there because of the OW and he does not visit us either, maybe for the same reason, who knows?

So now I'm confused. On the one hand I think it is time to start Plan B and on the other hand I am afraid that it will stop his efforts to get an assignment back here in Germany.

Any ideas about Plan A over this distance?

dakotamoon

Me 39
WH 34
OW 30
married 11 years
S10,D4
A startet 12/2003
I found out 6/6/2004

My Story

dakotamoon-

Love is an action, not just words.

I am in plan B. Cannot say that I am glad, but there is a sense of peace that comes with making a decision and sticking with it.

Plan B is a decision to make a decision based on the choices that WS is making. It is not only about either of you. At some point, maintaining plan A is not helpful to either of you (co-dependance you know!).

But you are the only person that can make the decision. I wish I had better "advice" but please know that others are going through the same things.
Tina

Dakota Moon

Sorry your here at this site.

I went back and read your posts on the GQ page. It is a good letter you wrote. I have to agree with Chris-Ca123 that it may need to be modified. The distance and situation of WS not having free will to move puts quite a damper on the situation.

I'm sorry I can't be too much of a help. My WS is a practicing alcoholic and she may as well be 8000 miles away. The LB's just go on and on and on. I myself do not know how long I should sit on Plan A. I am about 99% sure WS has had NC with OM but all the LB's still exist. Lots of IB. The fog??? THICK I practice Plan A when shes sober and try to stay clear when she is drinking. We are seperated at this point.

Keep searching. The answers will come when you are ready. Even by joining this site, reading, putting boundries in place I know I have become a better, more hopeful person. It appears you have also.

Trust the people here. Keep reading and posting.

We don't know what Our HP's plan is for our lives. Sometimes our best made plans are not the same as our HP's. When the time is right you will move on to where you need to be. Trust It. Trust yourself. Sitting on the letter a few days also is a desicion or choice you could make.

From the sound of your posts it seems WS is controlling the M by hurtful LB's. Not calling the children or responding to you. Sometimes it really makes the WS wonder when you become too busy to call or write letters and the reason is your taking care of yourself, WS's (his) children, house, bills etc. I let my WS know I am happily doing those things and it seems to stop her in her tracks for a short time. I also let WS know I love being M. Maybe she's thinking I would crumble without her here.
I know she does not want to hear how well I'm doing. It hurts her because I'm killing her with kindness when she is sober.

Do you always seem to be the one calling, writing and contacting him? Are the children old enough to contact your WS on there own? Be busy and away from the conversation so you don't have to get involved in it. Plan A is a place where we can change old ways of doing simple things and have profound positive effects.

Good luck. I hope I've been some help. I'll keep you in my prayers and watch for more posts in the future.

Jerry

Thanks Jerry and Tina for your replies,

I guess I'm gonna stay a little longer in Plan A and let the kids make their calls and send their emails. I need to try to stay out of it some more.
Our little girl is only 4 years old and yesterday she asked me again if she could call her Papa.
I said yes of course, helped her dial the number and went upstairs as soon as he answered his cell.

She talked to him for a while and then hung up.
She told me that my WH had asked to talk to me as well but when she told him that I was upstairs he told her he had to go back to work.

So you see, it is kind of hard to stay out of it. Also the little one always wants to send him e-greets. I let her do that too and of course he knows I have to assist her.

It's so cute; she'll sit at the computer, pick her smileys and hammer over the keyboard.
I usually put underneath in words what she wants to tell him and maybe I should quit doing that too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, Valentine's Day is coming and we all put a nice package together for him with drawings, his favourite german coffee, his favourite german sausages, scrapbooks the kids made, cards and our son also put in his favourite german CD for his dad to listen to.

I also put the requested paperwork in the package as well as a letter and pictures I found in the garage the other day. It is a letter and photos I had send to him when he was in Iraq and he always carried it with him in his Kevelar.

Or should I not send that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks again for all of yours advice, it helps me a lot.
I will have a quiet weekend now because he never calls or emails on weekends anyway since he only does it when he is at work and the OW is not around.
Why do WS allow the OP's to run their life like that, even controlling if and when they talk to their children? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
If I were to do that, he would call it controlling but how do you not be like that if somebody is passive-agressive like my WH?


However, you all have a great weekend and take care

dakotamoon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


me 39
WH 34
OW 30
S10,D4
married 11 years
A startet 12/2003
Exposed to me by OW's spy 6/6/2004

My Story

<small>[ January 29, 2005, 04:24 AM: Message edited by: dakotamoon ]</small>

Dakotamoon-

My heart hurts for the little ones. They are the innocents in this whole process. My DD is 6 going on 36. She gets WAY more than I can fathom. Only advice I can give on that is keep the line of communication open WITHOUT treating them like adults. I have found that with my DD that is a fine line.

I got some great advice to build a child's self-confidence. It was to show them their value by their relationship with GOD and within themselves. It may seem small but if you think about it, there is a big difference between saying "I am proud of you." and saying "I bet that made you feel proud." That way their self worth will come from no one else and that won't always try to seek to please. Not that I don't let her know that I am also proud...I just emphasize that her value is internal and not external.

I am not a therapist...just a mom!
Tina

Thanks Tina <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ,

I like the way you tell your little girl that she can be proud of herself, I'' try that.

Take care and have a great sunday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />