Help,

Let me introduce myself as Rob. I’m in a real pickle right now. I’ve read the books and the articles that are concerned. The thing is I have a situation on my hands that does not follow the guidelines of any of my readings. It is however, close to what is in Plan B. I’m 34 years old and my wife Colleen is 32. We have been married for 12 years now.

I found out on the 14th of January that she had an affair with Tom. Colleen and Tom work together in the same office. They have been working together for about 4 years now. In 2 weeks my wife is being transferred to another department but in the same building. My wife came clean and told me about it. They had been intimate for a month and I suspect they started the emotional affair about 6 months prior. Colleen and I have a 6 year old son and Tom and his wife Jen have 3 children ages 1, 2, and 4. The problem is that the affair hasn’t stopped.

The reason I am posting is because I need comment from people who might be familiar with the subject matter. Colleen and I were best friends with another couple and they refuse to be a part of it. Other than that I have my own family. The problem is that they have a one sided opinion. My 3 brothers said just give them the go and they will duct tape him and throw him in the trunk and take care of it. This is my family’s way of showing love for each other. Now you see why I am posting. Haha.

When Colleen and I first met it was great. Just like when people first fall in love and they know they are going to be together forever. I was 23 and she was 21 when we married. A good note here is that we were both our first lovers. First and only until recently. I had 2 girlfriends before her but not seriously. I was her first boyfriend however. We talked for hours everyday and we could not be separated. To me things seemed to be fine.

At the beginning of the summer of 2004 I started to notice a little change in her. Nothing drastic but enough to notice. She starting doing things that she never considered before like sky diving. Her more adventurous side started to come out. I also noticed that we weren’t as close as we used to be. I take most of the blame for that. However, Colleen’s biggest problem is expressing herself when needed. She never sat me down and told me that our marriage was in jeopardy because of certain issues. I found out about these issues after the fact.

Now that I have read the book “Surviving an Affair” and read other articles I realize that this affair happened because I was not giving my wife what she needed at the time in the form of affection and recognition. However, Tom did. The interesting thing here is that Tom and Jen were going through the same thing. Very little affection and time together.

Now let me lay down the facts of what is currently happening. Colleen is moving into an apartment within 2 weeks. We are currently still living together. She is taking our son with her. I’m staying at the house. I’m not fighting this because if there is a chance for us to get back together in the long run I believe that this is the right choice. I’ll explain later.

Tom is no longer at his own house. He is staying at one of his friend’s house that is unoccupied. Up to now Colleen has been coming and going as she pleases. It’s like raising a teenager. I think that the current arrangement is not helping things move along. As long as Colleen can go over to see Tom when she wants and can come home when she wants she will not get to know Tom well enough to get past this stage that he is perfect. I also believe that Tom likes this arrangement as well. This is why I have agreed to let her get her own apartment and take our son with her.

I know it looks like my son is a pawn in this but I fully realize this it is going to have an effect on him one way or the other. I know my son and love him very much. I also believe that when they move out that reality for Colleen may finally work its way in.

You see, up to this point I feel she is incredibly blind to everything that is going on. She has no concept of reality and doesn’t realize the pain she has caused a lot of people. I ask her about certain things and she seems dumbfounded when I do. Tom and Colleen continue to avoid family members and continue to try and hide in the shadows. Right now Tom seems perfect to her and everything else is irrelevant.

What I want to do is for the two of them to see what is actually going on and they are not necessarily the perfect people they think they are. Both continue to blame myself and Jen for the situation. From what Jen has told me he isn’t that great of a guy. She has to mow the lawn because he is too lazy. She takes the 3 kids to baseball practice because he won’t. You get the picture.

I believe that when Colleen moves out with our son things will start to happen. Our son is going to start asking why dad isn’t living with us. He is going to want the three of us together. Hopefully, Colleen will notice all the things I did for her. I took care of all the outside work around the house and half of the chores inside the house. Obviously, I did the majority of the work. That doesn’t bother me at all. I did it so she wouldn’t have to.

The next stage is if Tom moves in. Tom doesn’t realize this but I know how much he gets paid. After taxes and what he will owe Jen in child support he will have about a $1000 a month take home. Not too much at all. He is also leaving a nice house and 3 children to live in a 2 bedroom with my wife and son. I know my son and him will not get along. There will be resentment if not hate. I have also learned a lot about Tom since Jen and I remain in constant contact now. He is short on patience and is a selfish individual. Colleen doesn’t see that yet but I think that it is coming. The romance stage has to wear off first.

This is what I feel to be the right move. Let this happen and don’t interfere. Colleen had to really get to know Tom to understand what she has done. If anyone has an opinion please let me know.

According to the book it could easily be a year or two before there can be reconciliation between us. But I am willing to weather the storm for my family. I just hope that there is a chance of this happening. I am also fully willing to commit myself to correcting any issues she has with me.

Thanks

BMS

So sorry you have ended up here. There are a lot of people on this site with more insight than I but I get the feeling your giving up the battle before the fight.

I’ve read the books and the articles that are concerned

What about working Plan A for the 2 weeks she is still there? Have you been working it up to this point?
It sucks and hurts when you know the WS is with or has been with the OM but you need to leave your WS with the idea that you are either worth staying with or returning to. You still have two weeks to make an attempt.

Colleen is moving into an apartment within 2 weeks. We are currently still living together.

The longer you can keep WS with you the better. The better you work Plan A for WS to see the better. Set a time limit for for-you-to Plan A so contact with OM does not continue endlessly. Plan A is to try to get NC with OM without you LBing your WS.

Are you trying Plan A at this time?

According to the book it could easily be a year or two before there can be reconciliation between us.

Or maybe Ws will never come back. Do you want to risk that? What about your child?

There may be other people here who have worked a good Plan A and fast. It may detour the A for all you know and lead back to MR.


I would suggest posting on the General Questions 2 section and ask if any one pulled off a Plan A in a short time and detoured a painful road trip through HE11. There is a lot of traffic on it in the evening.

Jerry

Thanks for your input jerry1128. Plan A went out the window pretty quick. I tried to see if she was willing to give it a try but that failed. I was stunned at the fact she wouldn't even consider trying. I told her that if the shoes were reversed I'd give her a second chance just by being the mother of my child.

The biggest problem with Plan A for the next two weeks is the conflict we have going on. I almost have to hide in the house from her so we won't have an argument. She is actaully trying to initiate the arguments. I'm really puzzled by this one. I keep telling myself, be as nice as you can and don't start anything or be pulled into anything. But sure enough she seeks me out and starts pushing those buttons. That's why I believe we need the seperation.

I'll take your advice and post it on the general question 2.

Thanks

Um, where do I go for the General questions 2?

You need to read Surviving an Affair, and understand you need to do a great Plan A before you can do a Plan B. Otherwise, Plan B is totally inneffective.

Have you EXPOSED the affair? Critically important to do so. Concentric circles from your WW outward based on those peoples abilities to sway your WW's thinking. Critically, the OM's wife should be told immediately, if she doesn't know.

You should get a phone counseling session with the Harley's, founder of this site.

You are still in the early stages of this battle. Don't expect too much too fast. This all takes time and patience.

Learn about what Plan A means to you and accepting your responsibility for what might have left the marriage vulnerable to an A. Think of changes you should make in your own behaviours, that your WW would have asked that you make, and other changes YOU know you should make in your own best interest.

There's a wealth of information in the book. It is by far your best chance of learning how to "survive an affair".

Post here with questions, or to vent. This whole business is terribly hard and consuming, so eat well, sleep as much as possible, and learn from our experiences. YOu'll get lots of support here.

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks for the support Shattered Dreams.

I've read the book. It's a funny story on how I came about the book. The other wife Jen gave it to me to read. We have been in contact and are trying our best to salvage both marriages.

All family members now know about the affair. My family, Colleen's, Jen's and Tom's family all know about it including close friends. However, no one has been able to sway their opinions so far. Colleen's dad even gave her a piece of his mind and she became pissed and took it out on me. She claims I have been trying to isolate her and I'm trying to manipulate everyone against her. It's like temporary insanity. So far, neither Tom or Colleen want to see reality.

You are right, it is still early and I need patience. The toughest thing is not knowing what the future holds and having to just sit this one out and having no control. I have been told by a couple of people that I have to sit back and wait for this Infatuation stage to end.

I've taken a close look at Plan A and Plan B. I've tried Plan A. In order for it to work the wayward spouse has to be willing to give it a try. Right now neither wayward spouse is willing. So, I'm sort of forced to go to Plan B. The only reason I've even considered it is because I do see signs that this affair maybe coming close to ending and that Colleen is starting to see some reality. Slowly but surely.

For example, I went to go spend the weekend at my brothers. He happens to be the wild one in the family. Colleen was concerned that I would go out and hook up with one of his female friends. Funny but true. There are other things as well that lead me to believe that she maybe having second thoughts. If not I might have given up already.

Hi Bobbymilkshake,

to get to the General questions Site, just click on Infidelity and then on General questions instead of Plan A/B and there you are.

Much more traffic there, so good luck!
Another good book to read is "Divorce Remedy" and "Love must be tough".

Take care and keep your spirits high <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Raven

Me 39
WH 34
OW 30
DS10,DD4
married 11years
A startet 12/2003
DDay 6/6/2004

Please look at this post by Bob Pure, which includes links to some things that may be really helpful to you.

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Rule 1: Don't try to make sense out of what's happening. You are not dealing with rational people, so your normal thought processes won't work. This is exactly why you're confused. Your spouse will act as if he/she has been abducted by aliens and had their brains scrambled. Just watch and don't take any of this personally. If you can do it calmly, confront your spouse with any solid evidence you have of the affair, but expect denials and lies beyond belief.

Rule 2: Don't be in a hurry. There is little, if anything, you can directly do to separate the affairees. They have to do this on their own. The affair will end. To hasten it's end, do not interfere with it. The fact is that there may be almost nothing you can do right now to make it better but there is a WHOLE LOT you can do to make it worse. On the other hand, there is a LOT you can do indirectly to compel the affairees to end the affair on their own. Read this post and all its responses: On revealing the affair to the light of day

Rule 3: All snooping is good and necessary - but be ready for an ANGRY reaction if your snooping is detected. Refer to Rule 1. Think NOT of snooping as disrespectful spying, but as necessary affair research. If caught, you will be accused of "invading my privacy!" Respond, "No, I was revealing your secrecy." In some cases, contacting the OP may be beneficial, but in other cases, a disaster. Read this post and all it's responses: On contacting the OP

Rule 4: Don't beat yourself up for "causing" the affair. You are partly responsible for creating the environment which made the affair possible, and you need to examine yourself critically to see what changes you need to make, but you are NOT responsible for your spouse's decision to have an affair. Nonetheless, your wayward spouse will likely accuse you of all sorts of misdeeds, rewrite your marital history exaggerating trivial issues, and shift blame to you in their attempt to lessen their guilt and justify their decisions. In affairs, culprits abound except in the mirror.

Rule 5: This will likely be the worst experience of your life. You are a prime candidate for depression, so see a doctor if you feel like you're having difficulty coping. You may need anti-depressants. You are also a prime candidate for your own affair. DON'T DO IT!

Rule 6: Do not recruit your spouse's family in an attempt to "help." If they ask questions, answer honestly, but in the long run, do not expect their support - if you get it anyway, consider it a bonus. Blood IS thicker than mud. Read this post and all its responses: On involving/informing the WS's family

Rule 7: Do not expect too much right away from the wayward spouse even if they have already ended the affair. It may feel like you are they only one who is trying to save the marriage. You are not a doormat, just a loving, faithful spouse.

Rule 8: You will be told by well intending "advisors" to "Throw him/her out!!!" or, "Say good bye and don't look back!!" Instead of following this advice, learn everything you can from books, websites like this one, and counselors about the ways to find the silver lining in this cloud. Seek advice as soon as possible.

Rule 9: In ongoing affairs, if your spouse's OP is also married, consider informing the OP's spouse if you know their identity. The purpose for this is to reveal the affair on the other side which may motivate the OP to end it. This should not be done without guidance. Read this post and all its responses: On informing OP's spouse of the affair

Rule 10: Your situation is not likely to be unique. The actions and statements of affairees are surprisingly similar. You can gain understanding and support from just about anybody else who has experienced an affair.

WAT (another poster here)

Here are some other links giving insight into Plan A. I'm not sure you fully understand what it means to be in Plan A. Please give these threads a read!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=002527#000014

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=031692

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=031692

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=031266

Hopefully these will help you along this roller coaster ride.

Best wishes,
SD

THanks SD & Ravenclaw.

Sometimes you have to hear these things from rational people. Unfortunately I'm surrounded by irrational people right now.

I'll take the quidance you posted and formulate a plan. I also have "Surviving an Affair" which will also help guide me. I'm going to check out the books Ravenclaw suggested as well. Any good information right now is helpful.

Bobby...here's a few more thoughts.

Plan A is about taking actions to help end the affair. (Exposure)

Plan A is about self-improvement. Changing those things about YOU that were not condusive to a healthy marriage. LoveBuster's is the number one thing to eliminate COMPLETELY. No more Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements, etc.

Plan A is about appearing (no matter how hard it is) to be strong, self confident and able to "deal" with the A in a pro-active manner.

Plan A is empowering yourself by taking actions in self-improvement.

Plan A is done without informing the WS that you are doing it. WS's have no plan. You are empowered because you do have a plan.

Plan A is about NOT constantly confronting and pressuring the WS into relationship talks.

Plan A is NOT about telling her "I Love You" all the time.

Plan A is NOT about appearing weepy and needy all the time.

Plan A is NOT about laying down and taking all her actions in stride and just "doing nothing".

Plan A is NOT about enabling her A by moving out, loaning money, giving her space, giving her privacy.

Play A is about reaching a point in personal PAIN where you can detach somewhat, emotionally, and think with your mind, rather than with your heart. Your heart will tell you to do things that are counterproductive. You mind, coupled with Surviving an Affair, and these boards, will keep you within the boundries of Plan A.

Plan B is designed only to follow a great Plan A.

Plan A has a timetable, set by you, and typically can run from 3 to 6 months.

Plan A is not for wimps. It takes strength and resolve. There is a horrible amount of pain involved, and you must bear the FULL load of the work that must be done to save your marriage.

Plan A is about "reverse babble". Search Orchid's threads. How to amaze and confuse a WS with reverse babble.

Plan A is about showing your WS that you are the better choice for them, because you LOVED them enough to apologize for your part in allowing the marriage to become vulnerable, and to be the ROCK, by keeping to your principles during these times.

Dust off the book and re-read about Exposure, Plan A and Withdrawal. Very important information.

Lastly, keep a positive mental attitude. This can be successful. It was for me.

Best wishes,
SD

Shattered Dreams, Thanks for an excellent review of Plan A. I am still struggling to avoid mentioning OM, but one day at a time appears to be successful.

Thanks again.