Hey Everyone - it's been a while since I have made a posting, hope everyone had a nice Christmas. <P>The holidays have been really good but I am sad to say that tonight was the last of the 'visiting and celebrating'. I am a huge family person so the Christmas season is my favorite time of year. It is such a let down when everything is over (now it is back to reality). It was also nice to see the new year start but I am a little nervous about what is in store for me. I'm kinda in a glum mood right now so posting may not be the right thing for me to do at this moment...but I feel like I need to.<P>I'd love to just sit and cry right now - and I have no idea why. I've read some other posts and the emotions and tears went rapid. I felt so bad for the people who are in pain. Then I started thinking about my whole life and now I am so lost.<P>I have been trying to narrow down why I am feeling like this and nothing comes to mind. It has been a long time since I have spoken with my OM so maybe it is a part of the withdrawl process??? Am I feeling lonely??? Is that what this is? Maybe it is the anticipation of my H going away for a few days that is scaring me. Maybe it is the wine that I have been drinking tonight - making me think too much.<P>I don't expect anyone to reply cuz I didn't really ask for any advice or anything - just had to type a few thoughts out so maybe they won't be in my mind anymore.<P>Thanks for listening -<BR>Brynn

For a lot of us the holidays are so painful....it is wonderful to hear how well yours went. I hope that next year I can say the same. Family is so wonderful during this time and it makes you feel all warm inside that you are so loved.<BR>Nancy

Is there any way you can travel w/your H?<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

It is probibly a combination of all the above.<P>In your Christmas celebrations and gathering with family, did you ever feel a sense of "this is us" or "this is my life".<P>Somehow this year, as we celebrated events or just did something we "always" do, I got a feeling that everything would be all right, somehow. That this was our life together and both of us built it and neither wanted to lose it.<P>Hope you had those kind of moments with your H.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks for your replies. I posted this letter right before I went to bed last night and ended up awake half of the night because if it. I did manage to sleep in a bit so I feel better. Each day will not be the same and I understand that. I just have to be thankful that the holidays went really well for my H and I.<P>When I awoke this morning, my H had already left on his trip. I wasn't sure how I would feel when I got up but the fact that it is snowing put a smile on my face. Not many people like the snow but I don't see it often. It is so beautiful, innocent, and peaceful (kindof what love should feel like) and makes me feel comforted. Strange analogy but it works for me.<P>I will be busy today and won't let myself 'think' too much.<P>Nancy, family is so special. Glad I have such a loving one on both sides.<BR>Bill, I do go on some sledding trips (only when we go to our family cabin). The three day venture that he went on this time is to an area that I don't know and to a cabin that I am not familiar with. He also went with 5 other guys so I would be the odd one out. I don't mind staying home - gives me a break once in a while.<BR>FHL, I did have those moments with my H over the holidays. Thanks for reminding me.<P>Looks like it will be snowing for most of the day - that means good thoughts for me all day.<BR>Brynn<P>

Try not to think that your down mood has to do with missing the OM...I'm sure he has nothing to do with it.<P>I know for me I always confused my depressed moods with thinking that I was still in love with the OM...he had/has nothing to do with the fact that I can be down from time to time.<P>I'm sure you're just bummed because the holiday season is over and things are back to the same old thing.

Thanks Holly - You are right.<P>IT'S STILL SNOWING SO IT IS A GOOD DAY NO MATTER WHAT! <P>Take Care,<BR>Brynn

Dear Brynn,<P>Don't have a whole lot of time to write this (working 7 pm to 7 am tonight) but here goes ...<P>I remember feeling down for seemingly no good reason. I suppose I still do from time to time. But, mercifully, it isn't quite as often as when everything was so fresh.<P>You have finally slowed down and now you have time to think. Even though it's painful and difficult, now is the time when you may do your deepest exploration into who you are and why what happened happened. (And you and I both still have a lot of figuring out to do!) The worst thing to do is put on a great big happy face and pretend nothing's wrong because you are not dealing with your emotions that way. You have a right to be down, you have a right to let those wheels in your mind turn.<P>Even though being sad really bites (ha) sadness is part of life. I believe that you still are going through withdrawl right now - mine lasted for quite some time - even after we moved over 1800 miles away. <P>Here's a suggestion for you: while your husband is away for the next few days, is there a project or task you can think of completing or at least starting around the house? It will be a source of outlet for you, instead of maybe thinking up ways you can maybe get away with just a little contact with OM (aka creepazoid) while you are alone. Even though you may feel H can trust you, if he comes home and sees you have been busy with something, I'll bet it puts his mind at ease.<P>Just a thought, just a suggestion. Don't take me up on it of you're already overwhelmed! If you want some ideas, I have a huge basement full of boxes and boxes of junk that needs sorted thru .... JUST KIDDING! That's my big project, but I'm the biggest procrastinator! Good luck, stay in touch. <P>PS here's my e-mail traumangel@yahoo.com<P>Carrie <BR>

Brynn:<P>Just read your profile for the first time and saw that you "told him everything". Did you really tell him everything? Or, did you simply tell him you had an affair? For me it was easy to forgive my wife for her affair because I believe God allows things to happen for a reason. It is just up to us to make the good in us surface in order that we can live again as He wanted us to. The difficulties I face in our relationship are the unanswered questions from me and the memories I dream up about her affair. It isn't fair to her or me for that matter but I am only human.

Hi Brynn,<P>CRC,<P>Telling him that the affair occured may be enough without going into details. I made the mistake of wanting details, I thought that I needed to know so I could deal with what happened. I was wrong, its hard to say wich was worse my imagination or the actual facts. Now I wish I had not wanted details, your imagination can be dismissed as just parinoia, but you can't dismiss the facts in such a way they always come back. <P>Brynn, only tell your H what he wants to know too many details can be alot to deal with. When he is ready and if he wants he'll ask.<P>P.S. Cheer up, things WILL get better, stay strong, we're all here to help<P>later,<P>Jason

Carrie, thanks for your support and suggestions. I've been wondering how you have been so it was nice to hear from you. The task that I have chosen to do while my H is away is to paint our bedroom. I have three coats on already and the colour is a really dark green (most beautiful colour). I know that it is hard to leave me at home by myself because he still doesn't trust me. He said a few extra "I Love You's" before he left. I will e-mail you - thanks.<BR> <BR>Jason, your support means a lot to me as well. You and Carrie are two people that I can relate to so well and it helps. My H didn't ask for details. He didn't want to know a thing besides when and where - and if he has to worry about anything medical. I approached him a few times after about telling him more but he didn't want to know. He said that details would only give him visuals of the whole thing and he doesn't want that. He has told me that all he needs is time to get past it. He will never forget and neither will I.<P>CRC, you amazed me when you said the phrase 'things happen for a reason'. You have no idea how much I believe in that saying. If I was the one who was betrayed, I think I may have op't to know everything. I am not sure but can see your point. I truly believe that if my H wants to know things, he will ask me and I will tell him. I wanted to tell him more but he stopped me - it is his choice not to know details and I respect that.<P>Thanks guys - Carrie/Jason, if you are in chat later - I'll see you there.<BR>Brynn