Does the agony lie in the ultimate betrayal or the seemingly casual disregard for the sanctity of marriage? Maybe. Is it what some call the Agony of doubt that makes the days long and the nights seem eternal? Perhaps. But agony for me lies in regret. The regret that comes from missed opportunity and potential.
I cannot seem to release the thought that this tragedy could have been averted with just a little heightened awareness and a quicker reaction. I know that it is not my fault that I am now considered a BS, with a WW. But I am aware of my role and responsibility in the vulnerability that existed. I just wish that I could go back in time and take the action that I am prepared to take today. I feel like I wasn’t given enough of a chance. Let me explain.
My W was away on a business trip (one of many) and I had a revelation. I was aware of problems in our relationship, but was not privy to the A. Alone in the house that week, I found a new energy. I was going to reinvest myself and improve the quality of our M. I was going to give it all of the energy it deserved. I felt alive again. And for the first time in a while, I was giddy with the excitement of picking up my W at the airport on Friday night. I missed her so and looked forward to it all week. And when I picked her up late that night, she was exhausted. So when we got home, I just watched her sleep waiting for the following day so that I could begin my efforts.
When I awoke, the spot in the bed next to me was empty. This was very unusual. I checked the house and it was empty. I thought it strange, but assumed that she went for a run. When she returned, I could tell that something was wrong. When I asked her where she was, she told me that she was out thinking. And then time slowed a bit, like just before a car accident. She started to cry and stated that she had done something very wrong. I immediately knew. D-Day had begun.
So the agony that I feel is that I was already in the mode for repairing our marriage. I had not known the extent of the damage, but I was energized to work on it. I am not sure if it is better to get railroaded when times are tough, or just when you think you’ve found clarity and hope.
Where the true agony comes in is that with exception of the regret shown in the first three days, she has become fairly cold and unapologetic for the situation since. I have initiated plan A and have effectively removed the focus on the A and focused on us. She actually opened up and told me all of the things that I had done to make her feel unloved. I am guilty of the actions, but not of the perceived feeling behind them. Many of my actions came from a different place of either being scared or intimidated by an issue, or just not having an awareness of my impact. Communication on both sides was a major factor.
I have taken these things to heart and realize that I want to work to keep my family together. I will fight even though there seems to be little hope of her returning to me right now. She has stated that she does not wish to work on the marriage and still has contact with the OM. The OM (out of state) is married and has also told his BW and they are working it out as I understand it. I have been told that the affair is over and I believe that, although the contact continues.
As I said, the agony is most intense in the missed opportunity and potential. We have a chance to have a wonderful relationship, better than it was. But right now she chooses not to work on a relationship of ten years, with someone who is not judging, is safe, will always be faithful, provides many EN, is willing to change to meet the missed EN, and loves her more than any other. That agony supersedes all others. Although there is contact, I do not believe that she has a future with the OM. So there is the burn. She is choosing to be alone over working through things with me. I know that this may change (the hope of Plan A) but it makes me feel like I have the appeal of lead paint.
“Thanks, but no thanks. We’re all good here.â€
I don’t know if any of you feel this way, but it has to be one of the most challenging testers of one’s faith. I will keep the course, but I needed to vent. I find this forum a source of comfort because I know that I am not alone.
“Skeptics sometimes criticize believers for supposedly having "blind faith"--an absolute belief that is immune to questioning. Ironically, though, the most authentic faith--the faith held by those believers who have the greatest impact on the world--is a faith not without doubts, but in spite of doubts.â€
- Unknown
