Hi, I'm confused on this plan A/B thing. I posted in the Just found out forum and was told I should check this one out to figure out a Plan A. I'm reading "Every Heart Restored" and my husband is reading "Every Man's Battle" with a men's group. I need help in starting a plan A. I copied and pasted my first post here to reference for anyone who might want to help me. Thank you in advace!
Hi this is my first time on this particular forum. I have been married for less than two years and recently found out that, in my opinion, my whole marriage has basically been a lie.
A while back I confronted my husband about his viewing of pornography on the computer. It was a struggle, but he evenuntually repented and "tried" to stop. He even took all his videos and smashed them to pieces then threw them away. But, to my surprise, that was only the tip of the iceberg.
About 4 weeks ago, I found found emails between my husband and a person I thought was my best friend. They were very vulgur in nature, and talked about things they wanted to do with each other. It was written in a way to make me think these things had happened before. When I confronted them on this, they denied it at first, but then came clean. But both of them swore that nothing physical ever happened. It was all just "dirty talk". I had a gut feeling this wasn't the whole truth, but I had no proof, so I had to leave it alone.
Then, this past Sunday night I walked into our computer room to find him looking at an email (spam) pornographic pictures in it. We he saw me he said, “Look at thisâ€, like it was a surprise that just popped up on my screen. I knew he opened the email purposely, with intent to look at the pictures. Though he denied it at first, he finally admitted that he did open it on purpose. I talked to him about telling me the truth. I told him that I knew he would struggle with his addiction to porn and that he would have weak moments. I said the important thing was to tell me when he did, as embarrassed as he might be, because I want to help him through this. I told him the way I feel about his lying. I told him that from my perspective, if he feels like he has to lie about “small†things, how could I be convinced that he’s not lying about the bigger things, (ex.: he said nothing physical ever happened with him and my best friend). He started to understand what I meant and we talked more throughout the night.
Later that evening we were talking more about the value of honesty, and I said that if he tells me when he has moments of weakness that I can pray for him in the specific weakness. I reminded him how the bible tells us to confess our sins to one another. I also reminded him that He was saying that he doesn’t like to tell me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I told him that yes, the truth can hurt, but it is needed. It’s like when a person has cancer. You may not feel the cancer at first, it may not cause any pain at all. But if you don’t get it out, it can have devastating effects. So surgery, chemotherapy, etc. maybe painful experiences, but they are necessary for survival.
Then he said, “what if it was something that didn’t just happened but happened a long time ago?†I said that I wanted to know too. Then he just started bawling, telling me about an affair he had with a lady from his work that started just after we got married. He said he never had intercourse with her, but did everything else buth that. This was a woman who I have met and actually become friends with. I used to watch her child for her once a week! He also told me that physical things did happen with my best friend, on about 5 occasions. Sometimes I was just in the next room. Another time was when we were camping and I was asleep in the tent. He even told me about one night happened he did something with two separate women less than six months before our wedding. He told me he loves me so much and doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. He was so sorry and broken. I just held him that night as he cried in my arms. I didn’t even cry. I did tell him that we need counseling and he still didn’t want to go – said he didn’t think we needed it. I made him agree to at least go to the 3 sessions that are covered by my insurance, then we would talk about if we need any more, and he agreed
But now, it’s all hitting me so hard. I just can’t understand. I’m not ugly; a lot of people even tell me I’m pretty. I’m good to him too. I’m kind, loving and respectful. And although he has a higher libido than I do, we never went more than a week without being intimate. And back when he was having the affair, it was way more than that. My world doesn’t make sense anymore. My whole marriage has been a lie. One of the things I was so sure of was that he would never ever cheat on me. I thought he adored me. I feel like a part of me has died, and I want to die too. The truth is so much harder that I thought it would be. It’s hard for me to be in the same house with my husband because he’s a stranger to me. I’m going crazy now. I can't focus. I feel sick all the time. Life doesn’t make sense anymore.
It's very hard not to feel sorry for myself right now. I went through so much suffering in my previous marriage (abuse, adultry, etc.) that I have been really thinking "Haven't I suffered enough already?" I though I had learned from my mistakes, and had finally found a "good husband" - I thought he was the one who was made just for me. Now all I can think is, "Oh no, I married the wrong man - AGAIN."
I haven't yelled or cursed him or anything. The problem is that I'm raging inside. I feel like I am suffering all alone. I don't want him to feel like telling me the truth was a mistake, so I am kind to him and try to carry on like normal. But I feel so hurt, angry, sad and resentful. We will be watching TV and he he will laugh at it, make coments, etc. - basically act as if nothing happened... and I feel resentful for that. I feel like, "how can you be so "ok"? I fight to act "normal" around him, then feel resentful that I have to watch myself so I don't hurt him. I feel like... He's the one who did these rotten things and I'm the only one suffering. When he hugs me, I feel disgusted. We haven't been "together" since the night he told me. The thought if it makes me sick. And I know I am supposed to be submissive, but when he starts being affectionate, it makes my skin crawl - and at the same time I feel guilty. It's hard fo me to even be in the same house with him. Even now, I am sitting her thinking, "Is this really my life?"
