hey bud...

you are right, keep it light, keep it bouncy baby....lol...and read the books for yourself and really I wouldn't bother trying to get her to read the books or to read here...BUUUT...there is NOTHING wrong with her seeing YOU reading the books..get it? And you can print out the emotional needs surveys after you read the books and keep them out near your reading material...fill one out yourself and leave it next to a blank one...she'll read what you wrote, she won't be able to help herself...My XW read mine and filled one out on her own out of the blue...I left the reading materials out and about and she glanced at them but remember for the most part they don't want to see how wrong it is what they are doing...aliens don't want you making judgements and they don't want to be judged.

Let me find a letter that a FWW spouse wrote here...print it out and leave it with your reading material. as a matter of fact there is nothing wrong with printing out a few things from here that you find useful and leave them with your stuff...just leave it out where it isn't obvious but not tucked away so she has to snoop to see it.

I don't know how much I'll be around this weekend, have to go out of town so you keep your chin up and stay strong...If I get a chance I'll check in.

take care of those kids and yourself, it'll all work out in the end Mr.

Plan A, Light and Bouncy family time. That is a lot easier to say than to do at times. One day at a time. . .

A follow on question. In Plan A, the goal is light and bouncy with no comments about OM or A. But, in the absence of an NC agreement it keeps coming up. Now I find out that she implies to our teenage D that it is OK with me for her to go back to the gym where they meet. That is NUTS. Do I confront on the contact or stay off topic and wait for a change.

I expect to do more exposing later in the week. Perhaps I will do all of the on topic discussions at that point. Should I tell her about exposure or let her find out? I am not sure which is more cruel.

"Do I confront on the contact or stay off topic and wait for a change."

Stick to your plan - Plan A.
Don't confront, don't bring up OM.
How long have you been in Plan A?

"I expect to do more exposing later in the week."

Good. More exposure will help end the affair sooner.

"Perhaps I will do all of the on topic discussions at that point."

Stick to Plan A and don't bring up anything affair-related yet. That will come later in either recovery or Plan B.

"Should I tell her about exposure or let her find out?"

It's not a good idea to discuss exposure plans beforehand. You don't want to appear to be threatening to expose. Also, sometimes WS's and OP's get pretty irrational, dangerous even, when threatened with exposure. Just do it and let them deal with the aftermath.

"I am not sure which is more cruel."

Neither is cruel! You are in no way obligated to keep their nasty little secrets for them! They are in no way entitled to commit adultery, compication and consequence free! You are trying to save your marriage and family. Secrecy helps them destroy your marriage and family. They felt entitled to contact each other behind their spouses backs, right? So they have no logical justification to oppose you contacting whomever you choose to discuss this threat to your marriage and family.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking the secrecy of their affair is somehow sacred and nobody's business. Focus on protecting your marriage and family. Secrecy will help to destroy two marriages/families; exposure will help destroy the adulterous relationship.

Thanks for your comments. It is almost 7 weeks since D-day. I have been in plan A for about 4 weeks. There are still more bad days than good days at this point with silence being the primary mode of communication right now. But, she has made some good decisions too.

She just seems fired up for divorce. I told her that I will support whatever decision she makes, but that I have decided to fight for the marriage as my first choice.

I am now reading the Surviving an Affair book. Wow. It really hits home. I wish she would read it and we could discuss it. But, I don't think she is ready. Any ideas on how to interest her in reading it? She just insists there is no use since she has not loved me for years.

MrMom:

These EA's are hard to break. My FWW put a deposit down on an apartment and was planning on leaving the house, the kids, and the dog. The fantasy to them is real and they really fall in deep love for their OP.

Exposure worked for me but I stairstepped it. I exposed her and told her who I told. I exposed some more and I told her who I told again. We were in MC and her OM showed up in the parking lot to lay claim to his lover, my wife. In front of the MC, I told her it was time to choose, him or I. I told her the next day, I was going to her mother's, all of her family's, and to her work place and to expose her to everyone she knows. I told her I was going to ruin her job and her OM's carrear. Since I had exposed her on two past occasions, she knew I was serious. She agreed to give her employer two weeks notice the next day. She told me how much she hated me but the fear of exposure caused her to abrubtly end the affair. She had portayed herself as a real strong religious and moral person at her workplace and exposure would have been embarrassing and humiliating for her if they all found out about her. She was dating a guy young enough to be her son and only a few years older than our kids.

Exposure causes the relationship to crumble and it brings out the price of having the affair. The price is greater than so many even think about and it can cause the affair to end. If I had to do it over, I would expose again. You must end the affair or you stand to lose her. So many EA's lead to sex and they even become harder to break after that happens. Good luck.

TooSoon

One more thing, the WS will lie to protect her feel-good relationship and you must force the ending of the relationship because the WS is so addicted to their lover. They actually feel they are with the wrong person and their lover is the true love of their life. The fog is hard to cut thru, but it can be done, but not without much pain.

TooSoon

OK, so your FWW was moving out. Sounds familiar in terms of planning. But, when did she turn back? All the signs that I see show that she is moving out and wants a separation agreement. In her words, D is inevitable even though OM does not seem that interested anymore.

This is a very tiring exercise. At what point do you just walk away. . .

Good Question MrMom...Good Question

Lean in real close and I'll tell you the secret...

When do you know it's time to pack it in?

The sad truth is there is no answer to that question, at least not one you are looking for. I know it isn't the first time you throw your hands in the air in frustration, but then it isn't when you are ready to throw your hands up and clamp them around her throat either.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

If you think you can last 6 months without losing (or emptying) your love bank then do it. At some point however, if your spouse does not break it off, you are going to have to go into planB. Listen though, Plan B won't work without a meaningful Plan A...that means Plan A strong for as long as you can..no love-busting (if you need examples I can provide some because i sure had a few) no DJ's, work on improving yourself and generally showing life goes on but you want them along for the ride.

It isn't easy, and think very carefully about what YOU want, what you want for you, your spouse, and your kids. Think very carefully about what kind of marriage you want and how your spouse and children will fit into that picture.

Either way it goes MrMom, if done right, you will be a better man, better Father and, a better person to be in a relationship with.

None of that changes the facts or reverses the agony or undoes the damage but their is a rainbow whichever way it goes and trust me, that will be a comfort to you on those hard days ahead.

The work you are doing now is going to pay off whichever way things end up. Thats the only thing I can garauntee.

Your Friend
Rebornman

Mr. Mom,

Have you exposed the A yet? If not get off dead center and do it NOW. Whether she stays or goes, you owe it your best shot is to expose the A to OM's W. Further, you can expect a lot of anger. It is like you popped a balloon with a pin right in front of your face. It stings, a lot of air comes rushing at you, and then it is NOT there.

Do it, and do it NOW.

God Bless,

JL

I have exposed to a core group including family. I have talked to OM's wife enough that if she wanted to know, she would know. I know that OM has done this numerous times in the past and she has thrown him out, but taken him back everytime. I have spoken to two previous WS's that were pushed away or left as soon as exposure started. It is really in OM's wifes court if she wants details.

I think my WW wants me to tell OM's wife, because he won't. That is not my problem. I have done enough. At this point, we appear to be in NC mode with WW vacilating in the fog. But, she is really making great strides at focusing on the kids.

On the bright side, we are having some fabulous conversations. Most are about the kids, separation, and moving out. But, I think that communication is good. I just need to hang in there and be supportive while she works through this. At the same time, I am feeling much stronger, working out 3-4 times per week, gaining a much better perspective on my self and the world around me.

Reborn man asks about what I want from life, spouse, family. That is a fabulous question and we all need to continue to work on that. I don't know exactly where I will fall on that one yet with respect to WW.