My H and I are (well I am) in Plan A. Things have been going okay, except for the fact that he can't seem to quit talking to OW. He mostly does it behind my back. Since they have a 1 year old son together - he "claims" that's the reason. Maybe it is, maybe it's not - but I can't stand the lies and deception. I found a card in his glove box from her that said how much she loved him and how she was sorry she had being such a b*&%# lately and that she had such a wonderful time when she was with him, etc. etc. He "claims" that it was from over a year ago and that it was mixed up in some papers that he went through. (yeah right). How do I know? Then I find out this weekend that he got a different cell phone # (one that just works locally) and OW put the message on there for him. Then when I discovered it - he lied again and said it wasn't her voice! ugh - just acting like I'm an idiot. I feel like such a fool- he apparently wants a way to be in touch with her without me knowing and he is not going to stop at anything. It hurts me so bad that he gave her the # and she got to know that he had this # and I didn't. He said since I knew it was free I would be calling him 24 hours a day and just wanting to stay on the phone constantly so I could see what he was up to. Probably, but there are reasons for that - he can't be trusted. Ever agreement we have made he has broken. I know I lovebust a lot - but His constant lying and deception (especially while it relates to her) is totally killing me. And then he acts like . . . no big deal! Please help me - I asked him to leave Sat. night after I found out the phone thing. He wouldn't leave. He just tries to act like I overreact about stuff and that that is why he keeps things from me, yeah, yeah yeah yeah. I'm just so tired of being hurt and after a while it's like "you are allowing him to hurt you!" idiot! I love him and we have a 3 year old daughter that adores him and he her. Sometimes I feel like perhaps that's why he stays home - because of her - I don't know. And I guess the not knowing is the worst! Please give me your thoughts. Thanks a bunch guys. (sorry to be such a downer today).<P>------------------<BR>

Oh man...I truly don't know how you put up w/him, you must have nerves of STEEL !! Love is a strong thing, isn't it?<P><handing you the sledgehammer of love> Whack 'im on the head with it.<P>Are the children still attending the same daycare, and is she still working there? I'm sorry if I've missed some posts.<P>Not sure what to suggest. It's like he's leading a double life. How about we start out with what you WANT to do, feasibly, and work from there. What are YOUR thoughts?<P>Laura

Thanks for posting - I'm desperate. Yes she still works at the daycare - and both children still go there - and it's getting totally embarasssing going in there anymore. Whether I'm being paranoid or what - it seems that everyone is talking, whispering, etc. And daycares are the worst place for that sort of stuff.<P>I want her out of his life. I want him to have a relationship with his son (now she won't let my H see his son, except without me). He can see him anytime but cannot see him when I'm around. She got MAD because I wouldn't let our daughter come to his birthday party (at her house! with my MIL)Ugh. So now she is playing her little 2 year old games.<P>I want him to have contact with the OW's mother to ask about him (they live in the same home) and to totally avoid her. He doesn't see that the longer he has ANY contact with her the longer it will take for us to get past this. I can't get him to do anything I ask. (but it seems that she sure can). All I want is my life back. I'm willing to include his son but not the OW - now way hosea! And the not knowing. Not knowing what their relationship is - still intimate or just for the sake of the child - I have no way of knowing and the fact that he keeps lying and is talking to her - what am I suppossed to assume?<P>------------------<BR>

Okay, here's a suggestion...and do forgive me if this has been discussed before.<P>A discussion with your H concerning how you can best deal with this situation. You feel that you CAN deal with it as OW being like an ex-wife. She is the mother of his son, but that doesn't mean he spends time with OW. That's ridiculous. AND you are the step-mother of that little boy (I do believe that's kinda/sorta technically what you are). You are a family. And it works ONE way--his son can easily blend into your family, but you are under NO reverse nicety to include your daughter in ANYthing having to do with OW. <P>Perhaps if he's having difficulty "choosing," you should decide if you still feel comfortable continuing with Plan A. He doesn't have to choose between the children, you've only helped him with that. But he has to choose between you and OW. Depends on how much you can tolerate.<P>(Get a different daycare!!!) <P>Laura

Yes....definitely get a different daycare. I remember suggesting this in one of your previous posts.<P>As Lucks put it...this OW should be treated as if she is an ex-wife (only because of the OC that is involved).<P>Your H is NOT being honest with you and is waffling is going to destroy what recovery you have.<P>In my honest opinion, I don't care if this is a Lovebuster or not, but I think that ultimatums & guidelines have to be established in order for your marriage to work.<P>Your H needs to do things that places your marriage FIRST. The OW has no right making any demands that you cannot be present when the OC is brought around. You are his wife. She is NOT. That should be made clear by your H to the OW.<P>Are you both going to counseling? I would suggest calling Dr. Harley on this one. Prayers are with you.

Thanks guys for your words of wisdom. My devious mind (and it is devious where OW is concerned). I was at the daycare first and had my reasons for going there - I feel that I shouldn't have to leave. I want to report her to her employer and have her asked to leave. (I know that is immature) but I don't want to further traumatize my D because of OW. I asked my H this morning - why do you abide by the rules that OW sets forth - yet you won't abide by my rules? He just said "do we have to get into this now?" I told him "how dare she tell you that - she knew you were my H when she slept with you - so she will surely have to know that I'll be around her child - since I am married to his father! She, in turn, get's no specialties from me - I don't have to let her see my child (even though she babysat her for a long time and she got attached to her - too bad!) My H just acts like a total idiot on this situation - "I can't tell her what to do with her child!" You see, he is not paying "regular child support" because he doesn't feel that is fair to me and our D so he simply butters her up and gives in to what she wants and then he doesn't have to come off with the $$$$$. That makes me sick too - No I don't want him giving her any $, because she's only 21 and she would spend it on herself. Her parents take care of the $$$ needs of that child (as well as my in-laws). He needs nor wants for nothing! I have made demands, ultimatums, tried the joint policy, thing - nothing works with this man. He is literally sending me to the cuckoo cuckoo ward and I am at my wits end. He will promise to be honest at all costs and then it won't be a week and I find out "another" lie. He will not accept the fact that I have to have honesty - especially if nothing else - concerning the situation with her. So now - my daughter has gotten close to this OC (as I have) and now SHE is calling the shots. I told my H he was a wimp! He is - or he would stick up for me and our family!<P>------------------<BR>

Please I need some more help here - I'm having panic attacks. My H just called me and acted like he couldn't talk then and I left for lunch and soon as I'm down the street he calls me back. It's almost like he was making sure where I was at! Ugh - the non-trust thing is a KILLER.<P>------------------<BR>

Your situation sounds so horrific-I do not know how you have stood it this far.<P>Since you have tried everything else maybe time for Plan B?? Since he won't leave you and your D will probably have to go. Do you have a friend / relative to stay with? I think they call it "Doing a 180". since what you are doing is not working you need to do somthing totally different. You need to take care of yourself. Maybe others won't agree but no marriage is worth losing your mental and physical health over.