A little update: H has been home 5 weeks, he's depressed, walked out one night last week. I told him when he returned that if he wants another separation he can have one, but I'll likely give him a divorce along with it. He can also have the OW, but he can't have us both--and she will destroy him, because that is what she is good at. He told me that he doesn't think he can give me everything I want. I said I don't think he can either, but I don't expect to get EVERYTHING I want and a lot of things are not in his power. From him I need love, respect, & cherishing and I'll help him with that cherishing part (meeting my needs).<P>I can't figure this part out...he longs for the OW, but she's had several other sex partners (including his housemate) in between and during their sporadic 18 month affair. He thinks about her as being sweet, but most of what he tells me about her sounds like she's quite a lovebuster. He told me that if I had been unfaithful, our marriage would be over. I don't understand why the $lut gets all the breaks and his longing? The fantasy I suppose, that she'd give them all up for him. Since she never did, I don't think she would.<P>Okay...letting that go. The next thing you know I'll be having that fantasy where I'm shaving her head and...uh, well you know, fill in your own violence.<P>I think we're doing okay. I read the some of the "last year" happy holiday threads. Well, this year was better than last year when he left me for the 2nd time on Dec. 30. I'm very nearly at the same place as I was last year, only I know about the affair. I was deeply suspicious last year, but he denied it so well. Now it seems to be over, but work brings them together next weekend, so it could all start again. The glances, the coffee, the drinks, the lunches, the sex. Ugh. I just want to firebomb her and chain the H in the basement. Sigh.<P>I really wish our first, second, third, fourth, or even fifth reconciliation had worked. I learned to trust before, I don't feel much like it now. Sorry to be whining so much when I know the pain of those of you going through separation and wishing you had the chance(s) I have/do.<P>I just feel tired and stressed out.<P>Thanks for listening.<BR>

Lor,<BR>Maybe your weariness is just what your H needs to keep going.<P>Before when you were in fix it mode you basically ran emotional circles around him.<P>Maybe this wait and see attitude allows him to go at his own snails pace.<P>Is he still taking his medication?<P>Is OW still with old housemate?<P>How are your daughters?<P>Prayers (need to get back to P of PW forum)<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Lor,<BR>Glad you made it!! Hope the holidays were enjoyable in spite of all the reminders. <P>I can only hope FHL is right and your emotional exhaustion will get through to your H and help him stay on the straight and narrow path, which is getting narrower all the time.<P>I do know how you feel. This was "only" our 4th separation but it was for 4 months and I guess I beleived H when he said he had really thought this through - well, it is true he had but that doesn't lessen the withdrawal. I have the same anniversary thoughts - I confronted on New Year's Day 1999 and looking back H seemed more remorseful and committed then to working it out than he does now. Sigh...<P>Hang in there Lor - I think of you often and hope for your much deserved happiness,<BR>Starpony

Lor, I'm glad you made it thus far. Keep plugging, not pushing. You're doing good girl.

Lor,<P>Hang in there. I don't have any wisdom to give you but I think about you all the time. (Star Pony you too and everyone else here) I posted a sort of up date to night but as some one once said I won't belive it until I see the whites of his eyes. (In his case, all his clothes, shoes, furniture.....)<P>See Ya

Thanks for your good wishes.<P>FHL, he's taking his meds, but I think he needs a stronger dose or maybe it is time to try another one. He is talking about going into the doc. I think OW is with housemate, I try not to bring her up because everytime I do I get an overwhelming wave of hate/anger toward her and the resentment toward my H flares as well. Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness. The girls are doing great. They like having their dad here, but he has work to do with them as well on broken trust.<P>Stapony, Janie, & Hoping--it seems like we all have nearly the same H, the situations & stages just vary. I think of all of you and wish you well in your struggles with the waffling, rollar coaster, fence sitting, limbo, etc. I sometimes think it doesn't matter what tack (other than keeping those LB to a minimum) any of us take until they get themselves together.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>