....<p>[This message has been edited by arleen (edited January 05, 2000).]

Hi Arleen. This is my opinion, but yes I do feel that trust does return. But it will take allot of time and effort on both parts. He has to tell you the whole truth, even if it's not good. And you have to believe him until proven wrong. Believe me, I know how hard this is, but over time, it does become easier and the trust does come back. Have a talk with H and tell him that you need only the truth (the good and the bad) and that you do the same for him. What have you got to lose?

............<p>[This message has been edited by arleen (edited January 05, 2000).]

Time for an ultimatum. You should make it clear that either he stops working with her and discontinues the relationship completely, or you will walk out.<P>Nobody deserves to be taken for granted, lied to, or emotionally/mentally abused like you are being by your husband. It's extremely clear that he has been (and is still) involved sexually & emotionally with this OW. If you continue to let him do this, he'll do it to you for the entire duration of your marriage/relationship. <P>It is up to you to take charge of the situation now and decide where you want to be in life... <P>IMHO the trust will not completely return until you have total honesty in your relationship. You don't have even a glimmer of honesty as it is now. His accusing you of paranoia is classic betrayer behaviour, making you feel guilty/bad for the wrongs he committs against you. Stand up for yourself and don't let him treat you like this!<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

Hi Arleen -<P>Welcome to MB....<P>I am so sorry that you have been dealt such blows throughout your life...I wish that I could do something concrete for you! The best I could offer are some BIG HUGS and some thoughts about the best way to make your future brighter.<P>First, you must read...read all of Dr. Harley's material on this site....learn it, implement it, enhance it with any other relationship materials you find that you think are helpful.<P>Then, roll up your sleeves because there is a long road ahead and you have to be the one to start paving it!! Yes, it all will seem unfair and very difficult at first....you will be overwhelmed at times. That's OK, you come here to vent about all that!! We will always listen and try to help!!<P>I think that the best approach for you would be to start with getting your own mind in the right place... by that I mean, you have to turn the focus off the OW at work and what you think may be happening and focus on you being a person that H would prefer to be with!!<P>I am sure that during the last seven years of dealing with this situation, you have had some serious self-doubts about yourself. Insecurities and resentments because of the behavior of H have taken its toll....thus the not so nice behavior on your part. Believe me - I have been through it all and I know how and what personality traits you can lose and pick up through all this hell!!<P>Have to get yourself back to being a person that you like!! Once you do that the tension in the relationship will ease some....<P>That is when you address this - what I think is an emotional affair at least!!<P>Do not get muddled in the trust, honesty and whatever emotions you think you should have right now....there's time for that later.....<P>You have to start with you!!! Make you and your home as happy, warm, loving and safe as possible. Make it so H wants to be there with you!!! That means NO LOVEBUSTERS for one thing!! You have been unfairly treated....no doubt about it. The mere fact that you are uncomfortable about H and this woman should be enough reason for him to stop all association with her.....He is wrong not to do so!!! We will deal with that after you have gotten yourself back to who you want to be!!<P>Ok, so first you read.....then you start being your old wonderful self that he fell head over heels in love with!!! It will be difficult to retrain your mind to omit so many thoughts about what they might be doing....but if you want this marriage to work - you have to!!!!<P>Show him that the woman he married is still alive and kicking and then we'll get him to acknowledge his misbehavior using the material and tools this site provides. OK? Infidelity is a process and therefore there are steps to it...your work comes first cuz you are here and open to learning how to improve it!!<P>You can do this and the faster you can get your own mind on track...the faster H's mind can be addressed.<P>Hope I have helped you some and don't forget to read!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba